DH has a habit of disregarding my wishes

[Invisibility101]

DH has done several things that irritate or upset me over the years but I’ve probably only pointed out about 1% of the issues with him. (Issues range from large things like being unromantic to small things like not rinsing beard shavings away.) He has wittingly or unwittingly engineered things to be this way by demonstrating various ways of not listening to me.

(Issues range from large things like being unromantic to small things like not rinsing beard shavings away.)

His most infuriating habit is when I bring up a problem I have with something he’s done, instead of addressing what I’ve said, he will go straight into giving me a list of things that are going wrong for him that day. As if to say “I’m already having a bad day so I don’t have time for your trivial grievances.” Is this stonewalling? Or being selfish and immature?

I can understand not wanting to deal with something if you already have a lot on your plate but it’s not as if he’d say, “let’s put a pin in this until I have time to listen properly.” He just wants me to forget about it and don’t trouble him with it ever again. I know this is a tactic of his because he does it with his mother. The difference is, she doesn’t let his list of problems stop her from airing her complaints, she just goes right ahead. There’s no point in me taking a leaf out of her book because I’ve observed that he just gets upset that she ignored his sob story/list of problems but he still doesn’t actually address whatever it is she was complaining about.

Not being listened to in my own house is really getting me down. I barely say anything to DH these days as it seems pointless and he’s probably happy about that. We have an 8 year old daughter and I’m also having problems with her not listening to me. She’s old enough to see that her father ignores my wishes so it makes sense that she now has the message that mum doesn’t need to be listened to. Sometimes I wish I could move out and leave them to it. We are certainly not modelling the kind of marriage that I want my daughter to look up to so I wonder what the point of my existence is.

How can I become more assertive? How do you make someone listen when they don’t want to listen? I’ve always been a quiet and reserved person but not a complete doormat. But since being in this relationship I feel my self-confidence has diminished year on year and definitely more of a doormat. An angry doormat full of bottled up rage, but a doormat nevertheless.

We are certainly not modelling the kind of marriage that I want my daughter to look up to
Then stop it.
If it's not good enough for your DD when she's older, why is it OK for you to put up with?
Why didn't you leave years ago if it's always been like this?
Life is waaayyyyy too short for this crap.

Why stay with someone with so little regard for you and your feelings?
Why stay with someone that disrespects you so much it's rubbing off on your DD?
Please get yourself away from this.
It's not good for you at all.
You leaving may be his wake up call but I highly doubt it.

And no, that is not stonewalling - that is being a disrespectful cunt!!!!

When you have tried to talk to him before, how did you do it?

Did you sit down at a quiet time, look him in the eye and say "Listen to me you bastard, I've got something I need to talk about?" .

Demand that he gives you a time you can discuss this extremely important matter. Be direct, clear and focussed. Believe that you deserve this conversation and a mutually satisfying outcome.

Sometimes I wish I could move out and leave them to it

What's stopping you? Genuine question.

101

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. What is the payoff here that is still enough to keep you with this person?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
What did you learn from yours here?. And look at what is being imparted to your DD now:-

" We have an 8 year old daughter and I’m also having problems with her not listening to me. She’s old enough to see that her father ignores my wishes so it makes sense that she now has the message that mum doesn’t need to be listened to. Sometimes I wish I could move out and leave them to it. We are certainly not modelling the kind of marriage that I want my daughter to look up to so I wonder what the point of my existence is".

Its not you, its him. Being more assertive with him is not going to solve this because he is a selfish and inherently unreasonable person who sees you as a domestic appliance. He does this because he can (look also at how he treats his mother here) and because it is tolerated on some level. The very last thing your DD needs is for you as her mother to move out!. That will just heighten the damage already being done to her by her dad.

Its very damaging to her and you to be in such a toxic environment, by staying with her dad you are showing her that yes, this is how men treat women. Unsurprisingly therefore she has started to model this same behaviour on you. If anyone moves out here it should be your so called husband. Your DD in turn could well go on to marry someone just like her dad; do you want that for her?. No you do not.

You have a choice still re this man, your DD does not. Make
better choices for both her and you going forward. Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here on 0808 2000 247

He is behaving in a way that gets him what he wants. It always has and still does. Your DD has seen this and is mimicking. Nothing will change unless you leave and take your DD with you.

Thanks all for your responses. I haven’t figured out how to quote people yet so I’ll be general. I sort of agree that as things are, I should just leave. But I also wonder if it’s a trivial reason to leave. There’s no infidelity or violence so surely this should be something I can fix.

SeaCabbage - I certainly wasn’t that direct! I wish! Believing that I deserve this conversation is key. Or else I make excuses for him (hard time at work/headache/tired etc) and resign myself to addressing it when the kids have left home. He did say he wants me to always talk to him and say what’s on my mind so I should. It just never works out well. Or rarely does.

AttilaTheMeerkat - what is the payoff? Not rocking the boat. Not upsetting children and extended family. We have a 2 year old too. The kids adore him. Everyone thinks he’s great so I would come off looking bad. So, I know these are not great reasons for staying but I’m not strong enough to deal with the flack. Do Women’s Aid really deal with situations like this?

And yes, my own parents modelled this put up and shut up crap and I never thought I’d replicate that. But there was violence and infidelity in my parents marriage so the injustice of that was more obvious.

OliviaStabler - yeah it definitely works for him. I don’t know why I just roll over.

I think you need to sit down and tell him that you are walking if he doesn't agree to counselling with you.
You need to be heard and he's just not listening.
Unless you fully address it, you never will be heard and you'll be back here when LO is 8 with the same issues.

Please take charge of your own life and your own value.
Do NOT let him walk all over you.
Do NOT be afraid to stand up for yourself.
If it would help you then maybe solo counselling for you would be a good start. Address your assertive issues and address why you are putting up with this treatment.
But initially, you need to spell it out for him.
In black and white in a letter if necessary.

A 2 YO complicates things a bit more so do some work on yourself then you can tackle the thoughtless twat!

I will definitely look for a counselor. I do need to unpick why I've become like this and be a better role model regardless of where this relationship ends up. Thank you for your encouragement.

I agree that counselling might benefit you. If you’ve only raised approx 1% of the things that bother you (I do understand that’s because of his response) then it’s probably fair to say that he has no idea how angry and resentful you feel?

If you say to the counsellor that he needs to start listening to you, and you need to be more assertive, then a good counsellor should be able to help you move out of these negative patterns.

If he refuses to go to counselling, or if you try it and it has zero effect on his behaviour, then you can start thinking about ways to leave this relationship.

101

re your comment:-

"AttilaTheMeerkat - what is the payoff? Not rocking the boat. Not upsetting children and extended family. We have a 2 year old too. The kids adore him. Everyone thinks he’s great so I would come off looking bad. So, I know these are not great reasons for staying but I’m not strong enough to deal with the flack. Do Women’s Aid really deal with situations like this?"

The payoff is about you and your needs; what needs of yours are being met here by him?. None from what I can see and you have put yourself well and truly last as if you do not matter. That is just how he likes it. Abusive men too can appear to be plausible to those in the outside world but they are not married to him "the street angel house devil". Children adore parents anyway no matter how rubbish they actually are. And there's that wretched word adore again. They do not so much adore him as fear him in not too dissimilar ways to you either.

You're right; they are not great, let alone anywhere close to good reasons for staying. Is this really what you want to model to your children re relationships?. Look at the rubbish you were yourself taught when you were growing up and see how that has emotionally harmed you. It has harmed you immensely.

"And yes, my own parents modelled this put up and shut up crap and I never thought I’d replicate that. But there was violence and infidelity in my parents marriage so the injustice of that was more obvious".

Again look at what you learnt about relationships here from them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You are basically replicating that without the physical violence (what he is doing here is working for him, he does not have to hit you yet to further control you). But he is being verbally abusive towards you and your eldest is copying his mannerisms. You want your now 2 year old to do that as well to you?.

If counselling is considered here I would go on my own. I doubt very much he will deign to go because he feels he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you.

The thing is this shit wears you down over time. The one person who expect to listen and support you is your partner, so it’s no wonder it takes time to realise how damaging it is to your mental health.

Would he agree to counselling?

He’s really not that bothered about you. He seems like a lost cause.

I agree with AttilaTheMeerkat, children always love their parents, because they don't know any different. My siblings and I loved our abusive father, because we didn't know any different and our DM kept saying what a wonderful father he was. But he messed our lives up, as did she for not seeing what he was actually doing to us.

Children don't know what's best for them. It's our job to make the best decisions for them, even if they don't understand.

IT took finding out about an emotional affair to make me far more confident in stating a point. Sadly I tend to get now 'why are you being horrible' about xyz, when I am not at all, just stating something and not going along with stuff to keep the peace. I genuinely think some guys just cannot cope with any conflict of any kind from a partner

Mannix - yes, he either doesn’t know how angry I am or he has an inkling but hopes I’ll just get over it if he leaves well alone. Over the course of our relationship I’d say we’ve had more downs than ups but I think if anyone asked him, he’d say we’ve had more ups than downs.

AttilaTheMeerkat - I really am struggling to determine what my needs are, let alone whether they are being met. I’m feeling neglected and undervalued but aware that I’ve put myself last.

Sharon - I don’t know if he would agree to counselling. We went years ago when our eldest was a baby and it helped a lot. I was able to get a lot of things off my chest and our relationship improved for a while. He said then that he wanted me to feel able to talk to him and tell him anything without needing a counsellor. His actions don’t match his words though and I struggle to be direct when obstacles are put in my way.

I am worn down. Every so often we would have a Big Talk where we seemingly sort things out and make plans for improvement. Then weeks or months go by and things slip and the same problems arise again. I don’t have the appetite for a Big Talk with him now, as I know any improvements would only be temporary. I’ve immersed myself in the 2yo so that I don’t have to face my marriage problems. I don’t have the energy to spare. It’s only the fact that I’ve noticed low self esteem is affecting other areas of my life that I recognise I should get some form of counselling.

Soap - often think he’s a lost cause. It’s complicated by him saying he wants to listen and he does value me. Maybe he doesn’t know how to demonstrate that he values me. I give the benefit of the doubt a lot.

Lizzie48 - along with AttilaTheMeerkat you’ve raised some uncomfortable but very important points about the children. It’s a huge responsibility trying not to mess their lives up :(

Yetmorecrap - I definitely recognise the “why are you being horrible?” line. If he has something to say it’s “talking” but if I have something to say it’s “hassling”. He would fall into the camp of those not wanting to cope with any conflict from a partner.