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Original poster

Expectation of partner

11 replies

Namechanger1404 · 10/05/2018 11:36

Is it ‘normal’ to have an expectation of a partner. DO and I together a few years now, both late fifties. He’s retired, I work FT, we don’t live together, not financially viable at present.

I only have weekends to do all my chores and catch up with people. Is it unreasonable to think he could help me during the week while I’m at work, ie mowing my lawn/DIY stuff so that we get more of the weekends doing something together? He always wants to do these jobs at the weekends, believe me I’m eternally grateful but just think it’s a waste when he has lots of spare time.

I know if I was retired, I would do all his housework etc so he didn’t have to worry at the weekends.

All I want to know is whether I’m being unreasonable to think this way?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/05/2018 11:45

He wants to do the jobs at your house or his house at the weekends? Why do you expect him to do your housework for you?

dirtybadger · 10/05/2018 11:48

I think its unreasonable to ask him to do your DIY. He probably wants to do it at the weekend because he wants to spend time with you, and he knows it needs doing so he may as well help. I dont imagine its because he loves mowing lawns. At least if he helps you out, you get it done quicker.

itallhappensforareason · 10/05/2018 11:55

I can see how that arrangement would be nice but I think you are BU - it's YOUR house, he shouldn't be expected to mow your lawn/do your DIY at all let alone with you dictating when he can and can't be doing it.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 10/05/2018 11:55

Yabu. He isn't your handyman he is your partner. He doesn't live with you , so I'm thinking just be grateful he wants to help out with odd jobs at the weekend.

purplelass · 10/05/2018 12:00

I live apart from my DP and despite him being a fantastic handyman and gardener I would never ask him to do my jobs for me, especially when I'm at work, what a cheek!

I might very occasionally ask him to help me with something but expect to do at least 50% of the work. As a PP said, he's your partner not your handyman.

mindutopia · 10/05/2018 12:03

If he genuinely wants to help you out and has offered to mow the lawn, yes, I think it’s reasonable to do it at a time that works best for you, if he’s going to do it at all. My husband and I live together, but when he can, he makes time during the week to do jobs around the house (he works ft but is self employed and does the school run certain days, so lots of flexibility and he’s home a couple afternoons a week with our dd, for instance, then does business admin in the evenings). In fact, he’s mowing the lawn today and tidying the house for house guests, so that this weekend we can go to a fete and do other family things with our dc.

So while I don’t think you can EXPECT him to do your household tasks, if he’s offering because he wants to have more time to spend with you, yes, it seems polite and sensible he’d do it at a time that’s best for you. I think most people would do that if they really wanted to be helpful. Do you think maybe he enjoys tinkering and doing diy and wants to do it with you? I know I wouldn’t spend my weekends on chores if I had other times to do it.

Wanderwall · 10/05/2018 12:05

YABU. He's retired. Why would he want to do unpaid work for you when you're not even there?

Why is it not financially viable to live together? Wouldn't that be cheaper than running two homes?

Original poster
Namechanger1404 · 10/05/2018 17:28

Thanks for your replies, very much appreciated.

“he’s your partner not your handyman”. I’ve already said that if I was retired, and he worked FT, I would do whatever I could for him during the week so we could spend weekends doing something more pleasurable. I am certainly NOT a selfish person, and whenever I have said I will get someone to do X, he says he will do it. I am merely suggesting if he spent the time in the week, we could be free at weekends, he isn’t building extensions etc, just very small jobs.

I’m glad I asked this question, as I am very independent and never ask for things, he always offers. But it’s given me food for thought.

It’s strange you see, I would do anything for my DP to make his life easier, going to do stuff for him if he was working would give me great pleasure, and I certainly wouldn’t see it as’unpaid work’ nor ‘a cheek’. I guess we are all different though.

Thank you all very much

OP posts:
category12 · 10/05/2018 17:41

It's easy to say you would do his housework if it was the other way round, but actually doing that? I doubt it. You'd probably end up resenting it and people would think you a bit of a mug.

His retirement is his time to spend as he pleases. So yes you're unreasonable.

redexpat · 10/05/2018 21:29

I think you two should read up on the 5 love languages. Yours is time together and his is acts of service.

Presentinp0st · 11/05/2018 11:39

Why don't you check the weather during the week and cut your grass before or after work. Can you afford some weekends away or go to some local events. Is it the lack of planning that you are not doing anything exciting ? A walk in the park, woods, cinema, local fete, etc

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