Possible to get over emotional affair

[Bexta147]

Never ever thought I would be in this position but here I am. I have always been one who says I would NEVER stay after an affair, but actually I think that is exactly what I want. OH has been having an emotional affair. He swears they haven’t slept together and I believe him.

It’s been going on around six weeks. I have known deep down for pretty much all of that time. I knew something wasn’t right. We had a huge fall out three weeks ago and I asked him straight up if there was someone else he obviously denied it all but I knew he was lying.
I’ve been having problems with my phone contract which he pays for so he had give me the password for the account. Something told me to check his bill. Hundreds of texts and late night phone calls. This was last week. I decided not to say anything until I’d seen his latest bill which was Tuesday.
He admitted everything straight away, he’s not tried to lie or deny it. He says he doesn’t know why he did it, that he enjoyed the attention, he thought we were over and I didn’t want him anymore. (He acknowledges this didn’t give him the right to cheat)
He’s also admitted they have met up twice for a drink on his way home from work.
Is it ever possible to get past the hurt and the anger? At the minute I feel broken and don’t see me ever feeling better.

How do you even begin to move forward?

My DH had a 3-month emotional affair 2 years ago. I’m not over it and actually it looks like the repercussions are catching up with us now. Should’ve ended things then, but we have a child and back then I didn’t want to rip the family apart for a stranger/push him into her arms.

Well technically he didn’t admit it straight away. You asked him before and he lied. He only admitted it once you had proof. Why did he think you two were over? If he felt that way had he talked to you about it?

On the face of it, I wouldn’t trust him again so would have to end things but it’s hard to say without knowing the background. So only you know whether he deserves another chance.

Why did he think it was over with you?
Do you have DC together?

And no, it's very hard to get over this.
Living with the person who betrayed you is torture.
Every time you look at him you will see him with her or wonder if he's thinking about her.

Why do you think you want to stay?

I've been thought this 2and a half years ago, I didnt suspect a thing he came and told me, I was 7 months pregnant at the time, said I was pushing him out and felt he couldn't talk to me, we split up for a while but got bk together and we are working on it, but it does take time and a lot off effort

No offence but why would he admit to having sex if you don't know, of course he will deny it; you believe him, well more fool you OP.

He lies to you easily, so lying about sex will not be difficult for him.

He's being truthful now because he's been faced with facts; bully for him.

Late night calls but it's platonic, sorry do not believe it.

He is still lying to you, he thought you were over, what, when you are blindly unaware of that, he's some cookie.

As I keep saying, tell him to go, give yourself time and space to process it all and actually decide what YOU want, which, whilst he's out your face, you may realise he's not someone you want a future with.

It all sounds very easy for him to do exactly the same thing again to you, sorry but I don't know just does not cut the mustard.

I'd be telling him to come back and talk to me when he's actually ready to stop lying.

We have three DC so it’s not as easy as just telling him to go. Trust me if the kids weren’t here he would of been out the house but it’s not fair to disrupt them when I don’t know what I want. Our oldest has behavioural issues and issues with anxiety which means I need to tread even more carefully when I decide what to do.

Adora10 I didn’t believe he hadn’t slept with her at first, I do belive him after speaking to her. He had told her he was single, he told me this himself. I have spoke to her, she confirms nothing happened, she has no reason to lie, she didn’t know about me, I don’t know her, have never met her and probably never will.

He thought I didn’t want him and we were over because he feels I have spent the last year or so pushing him away. As a family we have had a shit couple of years, numerous deaths, family fallouts, DS1 issues. Instead of talking about things, I push people away and block everyone out, I always have, it’s just the way I cope with things. I see how he felt I didn’t want him and that we were over I would of felt the same if I was him. This was what the argument came down to three weeks ago, we spoke, cried, shouted but in the end we both agreed the relationship was worth saving and to try and work at things. He says he wishes he had just told me then but he didn’t want to hurt me.

I know he is being fully honest with me now as he is and always has been the worlds worst liar. Hence how I could tell from the beginning pretty much that something wasn’t right.
He knows I’m no pushover and whatever I decide to do it will all be on my terms and he will have to deal with that.

If I thought for one second he wasn’t being honest with me now he would be gone without a doubt. I expected him to lie and try and worm his way out of it and make excuses but he hasn’t.

I laugh now when I look back at my conversations with my friend who went through the same last year. I told her if you don’t pay you man any attention someone else will. Maybe I should of paid attention to my own advice! I’m pleased I have her to
Speak to in RL cause I know I can speak to her without judgement and know she fully understands how I’m feeling.

I think you can recover from things like this but it’s imperative that your relationship gets the attention that it needs to grow and develop in the right direction.

The plus is that he told you everything and you feel assured you know the truth.

My advice would be, once you have decided to let this go - really let it go, don’t bring it up at every opportunity.

You’ll be hurt and angry but if you stay focus on the future and not the past.

It is easy OP, he can find himself an Airbnb, a room somewhere, whatever, a grown adult man who works can find something; people do it every day!

You don't have to disrupt them, you do want to disrupt him though after him fucking up your life, least he can do is go and give you space; but they never do, they just put on the tears and ensure they keep their comfy lifestyle at home.

They have every reason to lie actually.

You continue to make excuses for him, you were not over, you were very much in a relationship; it's all just excuses, fact is he's a cheat, I'd put money on it being sexual, not many men would risk their lifestyle for less.

Sorry OP, but you are completely in denial, understandable though but honestly, why would they not have had sex, or some kind of intimacy, their late night calls were probably sexual in nature, they could quite easily have had explicit chats online without actually meeting face to face.

As i keep saying, no matter how stale or shit things had got it does not give anyone the right to cheat, they cheat because they have no respect or value for their relationship, simple as that, and he won't change that opinion, he's showed you it loud and clear.

Brush it under the carpet, let him carry on without any consequence, be prepared for it to happen again is all i can say.

Has he offered to go to counselling to try and work out why he thinks it's ok to cheat on you and give you actual answers, nah, didn't think so.

Funny how, even though you have gone through family issues and problems, you never went off and got intimate with another man.

Hundreds of texts and late night phone calls

Talking about the weather then i guess.

He only admitted it OP when you had unrefutable evidence.

Ok being totally objective here. OP believes he didn’t sleep with this woman. We can’t assume he did. Many people do have emotional affairs where this is no sex, that’s exactly why it is an emotional affair!

If I think about how I would feel if someone shut me out for a whole year, then I can see why it happened. That’s not to say I blame OP or excuse his behaviour. But this didn’t happen because of the family issues. It happened because he felt shut out.

I think you can both move forwards from this if you both make some changes. If someone cheats I do usually feel the relationships over. But you have 3 kids together, and have been through some very difficult times. In that scenario I think I would potentially try and make it work, whilst making it very clear to my partner that if I ever got a whiff of anything like it again he’d be out the door! I think it’s very easy for people on the internet to just say “kick him out” but your the one that would have to deal with all that, and the fallout, not us. I think that if you both still love each other then it’s worth giving it a shot at least.

The easy way out for him is letting him go! He then doesn’t have to face the hurt and concequenses he has caused! His lifestyle will be far from comfy at home!

Or course him leaving will disrupt the children. I have an 8 year old that threatens to kill him self if dads not back before he has to go to bed!
There is another reason how I know he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else but that is not for this thread. He has had no real opportunity to either! I keep track of all overtime worked for financial reasons, I see his time sheets and his payslip. I know exactly what time he leaves work and how long it takes to get home! Even on the two nights he had admitted to meeting her for a drink, there certainly wasn’t long enough to allow for sex! He had been seen at the pub on both of them nights, so I know that is not a lie.

I am not stupid, I am well aware the texts and phone calls were not innocent, he has never claimed they were.

Actually he has offered to go to councilling, he asked the other week to do it to. It’s me that has refused it as I have had bad experiences with councillors in the past. He wants councilling I don’t.

Utter BS, he never had an affair because he was pushed out, he did it because the opportunity arose and he took it with both hands, there is never ever any excuse or reason to cheat on anyone, it's a personal choice, he had free will.

But yeah, you take the blame OP and he has zero consequence; you know he's a liar so re the no sex, how on earth do you know this is not a lie also because if it was me, I'd not admit to it either, doesn't make it not a lie though!

Just think you need to take the rose tinted specs off; you want to believe it but you shouldn't be believing a known cheat and liar.

Work it out if you want but I'd not be allowing him his cosy life uninterrupted, he'd have to win me back from afar and prove to me he was worth it, you are just doing the pick me dance which gives him all the power and a slapped wrist.

Let him go arrange his own counselling then instead of paying you lip service; let him go figure out why he thinks it's ok to cheat and lie then he can tell you exactly why he did it cos I don't know basically means, because i wanted to.

I’m not taking the blame. I know non of this is my fault. He has been told in no uncertain terms that there is NEVER an excuse for cheating and he is responsible for his actions. Trust me he will have plenty of concquences, just because I have not thrown him out of the house does not mean he will have it easy! He will suffer a hell of a lot more at home than he would if he was put out!

As I said there has been no possible opportunity for it and there is two other reasons/issues why I feel strongly he wouldn’t not just with this one, with anyone. I am not going to go into these as one of them especially is far to outing. I certainly do not have rose tinted specs on!

I think people are giving OP a bit of a hard time, she says there are reasons she knows they didn’t sleep together so replies insisting he must have done aren’t helpful. I had an ex who had an emotional affair and there was a medical reason why he absolutely did not have sex with the person. No need for me to go into it, but let’s just say it wouldn’t have been possible. But if I had been here asking for advice you would have all been saying the same as your saying to OP.

It also went on for 6 weeks, although probably everyone here doesn’t believe that either! It wasn’t some year long affair. I just think that if a poster asks for advice we shouldn’t all jump to massive conclusions.

If I thought for one second there had been any sex, I would not be here posting any of this as it would of been over without a second thought.

And that's exactly why he is withholding the truth, he does not want you to end it. Not trying to give the OP hard time, it's him my beef is with and yes I do think you are minimising and making excuses for him but I do understand why when you want to work it out.

My point is, do not give him any trust until he has actually proved to you that he's worth a second chance and I'm afraid that means accepting that the no sex, just chatting, 2 drinks etc cannot be taken as truth, he is not deserving of your belief in him, not until he has moved heaven and earth to show you he is repentant and will spend he rest of his life making it up to you.

I'd worry, if, when you hit another blip in the road like we all do it will be another excuse for him to be a shit.

He’s not withholding the truth about sex, I know that for a fact. One of the issues why he wouldn’t is medical. I am not minimising and make my excuses for him at all. He has offered to leave, if I tell him to go he will go. He knows he will have to deal with whatever the consequences are.
Trust me I am not the type of person to give him an easy life. In fact I am the complete opposite and he will suffer big time for this. He will need to put the work in and he knows it!

I think that if OP believes him and feels that he has now told the truth, she can get over this and move on. If she finds anything that differs from his story, or if there is any further reason for doubt, then this will go on forever. He needs to be fully open and honest about everything from now on. Just one small lie, even not related will bring it all crashing down. It took nearly a year to get to a version I believed with my wife's EA. We are still together, but it will never be the same. In some ways we are closer and definitely learnt more about each other, but as for unconditional love.... I doubt it will ever happen. I thought the world of her and thought she was perfect, I was wrong.

Your choice of course OP, we are all different, I just wouldn't be able to believe or trust him at the moment, about anything he told me, esp around what happened between him and her; everyone that is caught cheating minimises and lies, that's a fact.

I do actually wish you well OP, just be very careful that you do not invest in him too quickly, I'd also suggest not making his life a misery as I don't really think he needs punished; I think him going would have been a better idea, to feel the loss of you and the loss of his lifestyle as he knows it but yes we all handle things differently.

I hope he turns it around and becomes a better person.