Splitting up

[FesteringCarbuncle]

I've name changed for this as H knows I use MN
I'm in such a turmoil. I know we have to split but I can't stop crying
It's not where I thought I would be at 50.
I'm so afraid. We have 2 SN children. 1 an adult but still needs a bit more support than most. Other DC is very challenging and can be very violent towards me and destructive in the house
H has changed into someone I don't recognise. He is so angry. He can't ask anyone to do anything nicely. It turns into a rant. He blames me for everything
If he is watching football he gets angry if we walk through the room to get to the kitchen
DC needs a calm approach. If DC has a meltdown H escalates it. I am so tired of managing other peoples emotions
He is low paid and I work PT. Without his support I can't work. I'm not sure he can even afford to live alone
I told him we can't carry on and now he is acting like I'm splitting up something good. He will not recognise how unreasonable he is
How do I do this

I feel there’s a lot of levels to this so not easy to give an answer.
Do you definitely want to break up or do you want him to stop being angry? Why is he now so angry if he wasn’t that way before? Will he talk to you about it? Do you get any respite care for the DCs? Financially are you getting all the allowances you're entitled to, such as carers allowance etc? He could afford to live alone as there are benefits that would top up his wage. Same for you.

I would have said I want him to stop being angry but I don't believe he can sustain it
We have talked before, well I have he doesn't talk, and things have improved but he slips back into his old ways
The level he has reached now is new

I think I need to get a grip. I've cried on and off all day
Him blaming me for wanting to split feels so unfair. He is impossible to live with and it's not fair on the kids either
We don't have respite. There hasn't been any that DC could cope. I have asked before and have done again but it has to be what DC can manage

Ok, I think no1.. it doesn’t matter if he blames you for the split. You know In your heart that you’ve tried to make it work and his behaviour has just got worse. That is not your fault at all. He is just trying to make you feel guilty. You have a huge amount to cope with and instead of supporting and helping you, he is just adding to your load.

Don’t feel bad for being upset, anyone would be in your situation. I don’t know, but it’s quite possible that his anger is making your sons behaviour worse, and he may well calm down a lot if your husband wasn’t around. I think you would cope better without him too.

I do think that you do need to ask him to leave for all your sakes. I mean he can’t be that happy either if he’s raging all the time. Do you have a social worker for your son? Maybe speak to them too and explain that your struggling.

Would he be open to counselling to help deal with his anger?