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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gutted Ex partner seeing someone else.. and she’s perfect.

19 replies

WhendoIgetadayoff · 10/05/2018 00:41

Just that. Man I was with after splitting from Exh and father of my kids (we get on well) is seeing someone else. We split a year ago as not getting on. Too hard with full time work and three kids. He had no ties worked part time and I had hardly any time. Even splitting kids with exh - I have them slightly more than him - still didn’t have much time as three kids means often both of us with all or some of kids due to activities or seeing friends/family. There just wasn’t much time to see each other or do much in terms of planning and holidays more than the odd weekend a no go. He always felt he was waiting for me to fit him in and he was right really.
He was love of my life though. And even though it’s been ages I’m utterly gutted he’s with someone else. A mutual friend/acquaintance - who assumes I’m over it as been so long and didnt probably realise depth of feeling -has spent evening saying how great she is how they’re perfect for each other. Upsetting though it is she does sound just that. They’ve loads in common from their jobs to hobbies and seems to be genuinely lovely. And no kids or baggage. And it’s been 8 months or so I gather.
And even though it wasn’t realistic I still daydreamed of day we’d bump into each other and he’d tell me how I was love of his life and he couldn’t live without me! In my head clearly but to have that unrealistic dream smashed and by someone who sounds so perfect is just devastating.
I’ve thought about online dating but just not for me.
So I just need a hand hold and sympathy and any advice gratefully receive.

OP posts:

Mrstobe90 · 10/05/2018 00:46

I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run!

Sending you hugs

ChocAuVin · 10/05/2018 00:46

Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your head know things objectively/rationally, but the heart wants what it wants.

You will adjust and all will be well though — it sounds trite, but honestly: be kind to yourself and give it time.

Original poster

WhendoIgetadayoff · 10/05/2018 00:56

Thanks. Be so much easier if I’d heard she was awful or even oh they’re well suited but it won’t last/ she’s not you etc.
It’s the fact that he seems to have met his perfect woman. I’m assuming they’re living together too. Something we could never do.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 10/05/2018 02:07

Your friend/acquaintance spent the whole evening talking about your ex and his new partner? Surely the rational response would be to block the friend or t say t her "I don't want to talk about Dickhead, thanks"

Barbaro · 10/05/2018 06:26

She isn't that perfect. She seems to think it's going to start seeing the ex husband of someone she knows/is friends with. Yes he's single, but morally it's not right. I would never start seeing someone that a female friend had been married to, it's not right.

Barbaro · 10/05/2018 06:26

Er not going. Meant to say 'ok'.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 10/05/2018 06:48

Suggest you read the post, it’s not ops ExH, it’s the boyfriend she had after her divorce.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/05/2018 06:50

Barbaro it's not the friend that is seeing him. She was only the one who was telling the op about the relationship.

Sorry, that sounds so hard. Completely understandable you felt upset by the news. Try and keep busy and socialise as much as you can. I know you said you aren't comfortable with online dating but it seems to be very successful for some people.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 10/05/2018 06:50

And she doesn’t know op from Adam

GertieMotherwell · 10/05/2018 06:53

She’s not a friend of the OP Barbaro

It must be very difficult for you
I would steer all future conversations away from that subject and try to be happy for him. It didn’t work out for you two but he sounds like a lovely man who deserves some happiness xxx

GertieMotherwell · 10/05/2018 06:53

Xpost

junebirthdaygirl · 10/05/2018 06:55

That is tough and your friend is very insensitive to be blabbing on with that nonsense. No one is perfect and someone could look perfect on paper and there is no chemistry. Just feel the pain and disappointment for a day or two as it is real and move forward. He wasn't perfect for you but someone else will be.
Next time, as suggested, cut your friend off mid sentence and change the subject.
Mind yourself.

janetheimpaler · 10/05/2018 09:49

Noone knows what goes on in a relationship, only what seems to go on. She is saying that it looks perfect from the outside, who knows? Noone is perfect, not you, not her, not him. He doesn't sound very responsible....he only works part-time, why? he had a problem with you being a responsible parent, he was unsupportive of your important role as a parent, he didn't enable you to be your best self. Perhaps, rather than being the love of your life, he was the first new person to float by when you were feeling alone and a bit scared?

Cricrichan · 10/05/2018 10:06

Bloody insensitive of your friend!

Did you talk about him moving in, or whether he wanted children and would you have had more kids etc?

something2say · 10/05/2018 10:26

They say you need chemistry and timing for a relationship to work. In this case, no timing it seems.

I'm so sorry x like the others said, you just have to grieve it and move on. But don't harp on the new woman and put yourself down. He went out with you too and if it had worked timing wise, he may still be with you, so you are not worse than her. Xxxxxxxxx

Barbaro · 10/05/2018 13:49

Sorry dunno how I managed to read that so badly. Going to blame being half asleep on that.

Don't compare yourself to her though OP. You're definitely not worse than her, it's a shame it didn't work out for you but it will with someone else.

Mamapsychstudent · 10/05/2018 14:14

Oh no :(

First of all she won't be perfect. Everyone is keen to show the best version of themselves when they first get together.

But excellent advice there from janetheimpaler, maybe with some time you'll see things differently?

I was vulnerable, my sister had just died and I was not long out of a relationship with DS'S dad. I fell for a man I worked with; I thought the world of him but we lived different lives.
He was 30 and still living at home so all his income was disposable. I was 25 working for min wage as an admin assistant in his office and studying my bum off. After 2 years together and no real commitment from his side in terms of moving in together etc, he went back to study and did an intensive course at uni. At the end of it I was hoping that with him newly qualified we could move our relationship to the next level but he sat me down and explained he had found a place to live in the city and would finally be leaving his Dad's attic......and didn't want me to go with him.

I was devastated. I was sure he would be miserable and realise that life just isn't as fun without me and my little boy but to my horror he met a beautiful woman with no ties and with all the same interests etc at his new job and they have been really happy ever since travelling the world and all sorts (isn't facebook awful? haha).

But over time my perception has changed. I now remember how he never cooked for me for example (in 2 years!) not even once when I was ill. How he never suggested a holiday with me and DS but regularly went away with his friends and to festivals I couldn't afford or get the childcare for. And just generally how he could have done more to support me, stuff that at the time I dismissed as him being inexperienced but tbh now come across as really bloody inconsiderate!

Anyway, onwards and upwards. You sound like you are up against it but I'm sure you'll get what's coming to you xxxxxx

Original poster

WhendoIgetadayoff · 10/05/2018 20:50

Thanks all. And Mamapsych yes sounds similar!
To answer few questions we are near 50 and with no kids etc he decided to go part time and enjoy life. Not irresponsible he was able to afford it when he paid off his. mortgage on small flat he bought 25 years ago.
We talked about living together but long way off as seemed long process with kids etc.
And no don’t know new woman. Never met her. The acquaintance friend person was talking to group of us and it was probably tactless of her but I think she thought we’d been a brief relationship so she wasn’t thinking - she’s not someone knows me well but someone I see with others every so often. A. Nice person but not someone I’d talk to about personal stuff.

Thanks everyone for helping.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/05/2018 21:05

It's probably best to date someone who had kids. They'll understand better.

My friend is your age (with kids) and will not date men without kids, as they don't understand from her experience.

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