not feeling cared for - how important? how to resolve?

[time4tea]

my dh is in bed resting up after scratching his eyeball - excruciating and I really sympathise and have been doing my best to make him comfortable, and dealing with DS x2 (3 and 3 months) however, he was hopeless with caring for me when DS2 was born, (actually went to bed with the flu and asked me to bring him soup on a tray in bed the day after I got back home after cs )and also when I had a DVT scare when DS2 was 3 weeks old (I had to go to A&E on my own with DS2 on the fucking bus as I couldn't get a taxi, he was at work... when I got home at 10pm as it was all ok, he was asleep )
it looks pretty shocking in black and white and certainly I was really angry at the time, and told him so; and he is appreciating my care now. but i feel really angry again now, thinking if the boot was on the other foot I wouldn't get this kind of care and support. it's really done our marriage some harm, I think.
the question is, how do I make him understand without it turning into a 'competition' - we've had row after row about the respective contributions to housework and childcare, and my need for a break. we've both read 'babyproof your marriage' which was pretty helpful but I think this has gone beyond it. i think he really let me down when DS2 was born and it has really affected the way I feel about him. but I do want it to work, as he is great in so many other ways

That sounds terrible t4t and I'm not surprised you are angry! My ex-h was similar in some ways - very unsympathetic during my pregnancies, never cutting me any slack, and then refusing to believe I was in labour and going off to sleep in the spare room!! Then went off with mates during birth for a curry! How was your dh's relationship with his Mum - did she wait on him hand and foot? What are your dh's redeeming features?!

hello wombat at the curry during labour story.

you are right about his mum - she does everything for his dad, and is incredibly fussy and correct as well. although all of them are lovely people. DH is generally sweet, funny, and we share a lot of interests, friends etc and have fun together. he is a great dad. he is also great in bed. so really the laziness about household stuff and the lack of effort in caring for me when I'm in a bad way is the only problem.

it really helped getting it off my chest! thank goodness for MN!

Yes - thank goodness for MN! Glad you are feeling better now

i would also find that pretty hard to deal with tbh. but i think you have to deal with it before the resentment sets in. have you talked to him about it yet?

no, not yet, it would seem a bit below the belt to start such a conversation while he is still in pain. he's better today. I am so furious in a low-level way. currently he's full of bright ideas like "I think DS1 needs taking out.." like how do I manage that? DS1 has been whining for England. of course it would be good to take him out, and I'll do that, but its that sense that he's dictating what I do from the bed that drives me nuts...

you can see the soothing effect of getting it off my chest has worn off

I guess what I need inspiration on is how to raise it constructively without sounding vindictive or petty

I do think you are risking a huge Krakatoa if you keep gritting your teeth on this one. In a few weeks he's going to say 'i've got a bit of a headache, would you mind making me a cup of tea' and you're going to SCREAM 'WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HAVE A LARGE SCAR AND STITCHES TOO BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO BE IN PAIN DON'T YOU' or similar.

The thing is though, if you do start letting out the steam, you do need to find a way of genuinely letting go of the grievance/forgiving him. And that's going to take some work from him and some work from you I guess.

I think this is pretty big stuff. What's your family like - were your parents more equal in how they shared things - background of illness/no illness etc? (you don't have to answer any of that btw!)

How to raise it - maybe try handing the responsiblity back to him?

Him: 'I think ds1 needs taking out.'
You: 'Well, you're still in pain and I've been holding the lot together for 2 days. I agree he needs to go out. What do you suggest?'

Aargh at men when they're ill.
DH can e a bugger for thistoo.
Once when dd1 was little we were both ill and he left us and visited his mum for the day. I was furious. luckily dd1 was so poorly we just snuggled on the settee all day, but still. all i wanted to do was go to sleep, and as he was fine i think he shouldhave cared for dd while i went back to bed.
He would never have got out of bec if he'd been as ill as i was

Start it with, you don't want tro start a competitive argument, but you feel he should have AS MUCH sympathy for you when you are ill/incapacitated as you do for him.
Simple as.

And at your ex wombat. And o wonder he is ex

ooh choosy, very god advice.

heeeheeeeeeeeeee
Good, not god

Do you think he realises what he's doing?

Could you approach him (once he's better but soon so he'll remember how hands-on you were in caring for him) by saying something like "I love you and I know you don't do it on purpose, but I feel that when I am ill you seem not to realise that I need to be looked after too"?

ps. there must be better ways of putting that - non-confrontational, non-blame, forward thinking etc.

You really need to sort this out.

great advice ladies, thanks

Choosy I LOL at Krakatoa. Felt like it

Wombat, still at curry in labour story. I hope now he's an ex-H, you have better understanding and care in your life, for you and your kids.

Honestly. sometimes I think we should form a "Free Republic of Mumsnet" and run the place properly

yes, agree. you need to get it out in the open before you attack him with the colander. i like cf's idea of throwing the ball back. i would be soooo tempted to pull a sickie right back at him and treat him EXACTLY the same way he treats you. and keep telling him what to do with ds too. at unhelpful times. but that would be childish i suppose. sigh

time4tea - have you always been a very capable sort of person, the sort that gets on with things, doesn't usually make a fuss, independent etc etc, and this was the first time that you really needed him to muck in and help?

The reason I ask is that I had a similar blip with my DH after the birth of our twins and eventually, after much discussion, he admitted that he found the change in me quite difficult, the fact that I needed him so much. He said he had purposely fallen for a strong, independent type of woman, the total opposite of his mother who is very dependent on his father, and it shook him that I needed him so much and really altered the balance of our relationship.

Just a thought, might be totally of track

normally I suppose I am quite capable. I was pretty upfront about needing help and support during the post-natal period and especially when I had the DVT scare. i really thought my number was up and it shocked me - particulalry toting around a tiny newborn. i feel sort of sad now for the difficult times I've had over the last few months (miscarriage last spring, then another bereavement just before christmas) maybe I'm expecting too much and that kind of care just isn't a guy thing to do. maybe I just need to take a proper break away somewhere, an entire change of scene to calm down. it was one of those mornings when just losing your keys for five mins when you are trying to get out the door has you in tears - you just need to get a break and not just a sodding pedicure