Stay for the sake of the children

[cds5163]

Has anyone stayed in a relationship for the children? How did it work out for you? Did things in your relationship get better or worse? I don't know what to do, I feel trapped and drowning in all his secrets. I don't know what to believe, I don't trust his intentions, I can't tell if he wants to be with me or is just manipulating me. I'm so heartbroken I just want to hurt myself. Then I think about our family, that just doesn't mean nothing, right? I'm such a fool, I don't even have the guts to leave, but I don't know how to stop the pain.

So you’d be staying for your dc? What does your h want? Why are you drowning in his secrets? What you you want?

If you’re this unhappy, there’s no point trying to stay for the kids. You’ll end up arguing all the time or being so toxic that it will be worse for the dc.

Do you want to be with him? If the answer is no that’s reason enough to leave. If he’s not making you happy, if you don’t have a good time together, if you don’t enjoy being part of a couple/family with him, then consider whether you want to fix it, whether it can be fixed, and whether you want to help fix it. If not, then you will be happier apart. Your children will not be happy growing up in a tense, unhappy household.

My grandparents stayed together “for my mum” and noticeably hated each other for decades. It’s an awful lot to put on a child and she resented for them. My parents didn’t stay together for us and I’ve always been grateful my mum was brave enough to walk away. They’ve had a very civil divorce and get on famously decades later.

You’re desperately unhappy. I want to hug you and tell you there’s a better way to live.

There honestly is OP. You deserve a better life and your children know your home is unhappy and stressed. Divorce is always at least a bit shit. But you know what’s worse? Living with warring or resentful or unhappy parents who don’t love, like, respect, care for each other and model healthy relationships.

Not a good idea to stay for the kids. They will know that there is something very wrong and it will shape their idea of what relationships should be like. Also for your own sanity you need a plan -try to mend it or get out. Don't waste precious life feeling miserable.

My mum stayed until we were all adults, their unhappiness definitely affected us, the kids know.

Do you really think that an atmosphere of distrust and a mum so upset she wants to hurt herself is the best environment for the dc?

The dc and I have a happier, more secure, calmer home without the ex. He's been better as an ex than he ever was a partner.

Thank you all for the replies and advice. No I wouldn't want my children to grow up in this mess, I guess I'm trying so hard because my parents split and it hurt not to have my father there, but that's a different kind a hell. I thought I wanted to stay and stick it out but I don't know how to forgive him or trust him. I try not to pick fights but resentment always ends up winning; and I feel like I'm the only one trying at all. He's done nothing to reassure me or promises to change.His actions contradict his words. Long story I found out he was still married, there divorced now, but but I keep finding remnants of them. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her yet he still contacts her, they have some weird passive aggressive relationship and my jealousy gets the best of me. I feel like I'm going crazy over him.

Don’t stay but leave for the sake of your dc.

Please, please, just don't. My siblings and I grew up with parents who hated each other and the impact has been profound and lifelong. My parents finally split when I was 11 and so I was spared some of it, but my two elder siblings had to endure it for their entire lives at home and have basically been fucked up by it. Staying for the kids is a terrible idea.

Mumsnet will ALWAYS tell you to leave. I think you should stay for the children and the finances. I did this and the relationship did improve (it was a rough patch). If I'd have left, we would have been significantly poorer, and I would only have seen my children for half of the time. That's WAY worse than tolerating a husband who's a bit annoying.

‘Mumsnet will ALWAYS tell you to leave. I think you should stay for the children and the finances’

My parents stayed together for the sake of dc and I hated it and would never encourage anybody to do that. Two parents living happily separately is a far healthier environment for children than witnessing a miserable destructive relationship and thinking that’s ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable.’

Have you tried working through your issues together with a relationship counsellor? How long have you been feeling like this? Although my and exh story isn't yours I had a lot of trust issues and he was not upfront or honest with me, there were resentments on both sides and ultimately bitterness and silence. We tried counselling it didn't work and we've now separated. Telling the children (primary age but not very young) was probably the worst day ever and seeing them deal with it has been hard and I wish it were different for them. However it was totally the right thing.
As cowbell says I am poorer and I only see my kids 50% of the time, but here's why I have no regrets:

• a massive relief- my headspace is no longer full of him, what he's doing/thinking/feeling and trying to figure things out all the time- I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to be mentally free
• I am happier and although I see less of my kids, because I am happier I am no longer snappy, irritable (well not much ) and the quality of the time we spend together is so much better because of it
• the 50% of the time I am not with them I am re-learning me, going out with friends, going out dancing, pottering in my own space, reading, going to galleries, binge watching crap tv etc etc - do I miss the kids?- yes loads but not being with them isn't all doom and gloom either
• I lost all my confidence with him- it's slowly coming back, I feel better, I look better, I have more energy
• 5 months in and the kids are doing ok, luckily we are reasonably amicable and all our decisions about how things are have been made with their wellbeing and happiness at heart. I wish they had a loving family home but they didn't have that when we were together and they are adjusting well to our new family set up!

I am not saying leave at all, by the time we separated we both knew that the relationship was dead and had been for a long while, I am saying if a relationship is truly past the point of no return and you have done what you can to make it work, I think getting out is better than staying.

Don't do it I stayed together for years with my ex for the sake of the children and since breaking up a year ago I kick myself for not doing it sooner. They have been so much happier this last year and have a better relationship with their dad than they used to (he was jealous of them with me).

You kids don't care if you're with their dad or Not, your kids don't need you to be with their dad they need you to be happy and mentally healthy.
My mum stayed with my dad for us kids.
My sibling has had two failed marriages and alsevere mh issues.
I have had 3 failed relationships (the last one being with an abusive alcoholic and I now suffer with ptsd)
Through therapy we have both learned most of our problems stem from childhood and our unhealthy perception of relationships.
I beg you to find the strength to make this different for your children. They deserve a happy childhood where they feel safe and relaxed.

Sorry to hijack @ChangingStates your post is exactly what I needed to read