Help me process my shock *TRIGGERING*

[BlackThursday]

I am deep in therapy to help me recover from many years of child abuse perpetrated by my father. I am also in the process of taking him to court. Today in therapy I had a massive flashback to being raped. I had a hyperventilating attack.

Nobody then...

I'm sorry. Hopefully, you will begin to process the trauma and recover. You are very brave for facing up to it, and for taking him to court.

I think it takes a few minutes to get seen.

Was the therapist helpful in that moment? Settling you down before you left? I expect you are exhausted from the Adrenalin.

Didn’t want to read and run but you’re brave and stronger than you think

I am so very sorry to hear this. I am not really much good in the relationships boards but your post is so sad. I am sure someone much more skilled will be along to help.

Did your therapist give you any strategies to cope with the impact of these revelations?

You did not deserve that. I’m so so so sorry that happened to you.

It might not feel like it right now but the people who recover healthily from such trauma are those that are able to be repeatedly ‘exposed’ to the trauma itself by talking about it. ie. Keeping it hidden away is not good for your recovery.

You are doing the right thing.

Oh OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this! Do you have anyone with you? If not, is there a friend/ partner who can come over and keep you company? Perhaps put on a comedy/ something lighthearted, have some chamomile tea and some comforting food?

I would try to keep busy either talking/ reading or somehow redirecting your brain to something calming and safe. If you have ever done a guided meditation (there are some great guided meditations on youtube), that might help for redirecting your thoughts and creating calm and peace.

This is obviously easier said than done! If you are really struggling then you could call Samaritans or rape crisis. I am so sorry that you are having to relive such awful abuse!

It's very courageous of you to take him to court. I wish you all the luck in the world. X

If its of any help I'm currently exploring 15 continual years of rape and sexual.abuse from 40 years ago, with a rape counsellor. It's exhausting and very upsetting at some points during my sessions . But worth it as I already feel better for talking. My abusers are now all dead, otherwise id be doing what you are doing.
Huge hugs, you are very brave! and xxx from me

I find writing stuff down the day of my councilling, allowing myself to vent all day feel utterly shit if needed, retreating and meditating and being very kind to me that whole day helps.
Then doing my best to get on with life for the next however many days until the next session

Well done stay strong 💓💖💗

I hope you've come back to the thread, OP. Sometimes it does take a little while for people to reply.

You have my total admiration for the action you are taking, I'm so sorry your childhood was destroyed in this way. Like others here, I hope your therapist was able to help you with the very distressing flashback.

Keep talking, let others in and let them help you. Now you've started a thread I hope it can be a resource for you.

All best

What has happened to you is horrific and it won't ever leave you but the fact you are taking back control means you will survive because you are strong.

You will be ok because you are a fucking superstar and nothing that happened to you and no matter what he and others tried to take from you can take that away from you none of it broke you, your proving that by starting this thread, by going to court and by getting help from professionals so you can learn healthy ways to live in spite of what's happened.

You are magnificent blackthursday don't ever forget that!

Hope that you are ok OP.
For what it's worth, I was a juror some time ago, on a case where the father had sexually abused his daughter. The court was set up so that she did not have to see her father (video link from a separate room) and the witnesses gave their statements from behind a screen so did not have to see him (or be seen) either. It was all managed as kindly as it could have been and from the video that we were watching we could see that the daughter was empowered by this and did not appear to be overly and unnecessarily stressed, even smiling quite a lot. I'm not being dismissive, this was just the situation at court and all of the jury were grateful that the daughter was not subjected to terrible questioning and anguish.
The barristers were both really kind to her and there was none of the nasty questioning that is reported in the press. No evidence was available and it was completely down to her statements and those of friends who she had confided in many years previously.
The jurors were unanimous immediately, although we did remain in the jurors' room for nearly two hours, discussing all of the aspects of the questions that we had to cover.
The father was found guilty on all counts and sentenced at a later date to 15 years.
You are really brave OP. Do whatever it takes for you to feel ok and hopefully the court date will give you some release from your stress. There are a lot of people on MN who will give you support and genuine care. Best of luck.

Omg Helpthetigers that gives me hope. I was expecting to be torn-to-shreds by the barristers. I am thinking of not doing video link or the screen so that I can face my father directly & dare him to deny it. He admitted everything to me once in a phone call but I never recorded it. Now he denies it. I don't know how I didn't drop dead as a child. I was tortured and abandoned.

Hugs OP, its a hard path to walk, but you are not alone. There are many of us who have experienced terrible childhoods and have had to walk the therapy path to recovery. Ive just finished my 4th set, at 53, and I feel like I was given a life sentence. However, I am now more able to look at the abuse from a distance and acknowledge the impact, but not let the feelings overwhelm me. I fully anticipate having to return to these memories in the next 10 years or so....

I recently had a course of EMDR therapy if your therapist can recommend someone who can do this. It helps take the emotion out of the situation and lets you look more dispassionately at the situation from a safe "here and now" place, but also lets you acknowledge that emotion and feel safe expressing it.

As I understand it, the brain stores traumatic memories in a primitive part of the brain that is rarely "online" - so the memories laid down are held with all the emotion and understanding of the person at the age they were when the memory was laid down. The fear and terror of a 10 year old girl, for example.

the EMDR process switches that part of the brain back online, and allows us to examine the memories with our adult heads and process the emotion with our adult feelings, and takes away the terror and fear that is associated with the memory.

Its a weird type of therapy, very quick to have a big impact.

Could you ask anyone in the court system / your barrister, what they expect from the other side regarding questioning and attitudes? I suspect that their comments could be helpful to you.

I think that it would not be in the defence barrister's interests for you to be attacked verbally, as this would not look good in front of the jury. At worst, they would need to be seen as being fair to a victim of sexual violence and neglect and at worst, to be 'humouring' someone who is mistaken.

I'm not sure how the video link works from the other side. I don't know if the witness can see what's going on in the court, or otherwise. Sitting in the link room may actually help, as it may be intimidating for some people (not necessarily yourself), to be away from direct gaze by a jury and the others in the courtroom, although I understand that none of the public are allowed in to this type of proceedings. It may be useful for you to discuss this with your barrister and it might be possible for you to visit the court and see the arrangements for yourself. You may also be able to change your mind, if you have agreed a video link and then decide to enter the courtroom to give your evidence, although obviously I have no knowledge of the processes and options.

For what it's worth, all of the members of the jury were completely sympathetic with the daughter of the abuser, both male and female jurors. Some of the jurors struggled to sleep at night, because they were deeply concerned about the poor woman (19 years old at that point), so please don't think that there will be any feelings other than care and compassion heading your way from the jury. I can't guarantee that your jury will have the same attitude or that the defence barrister involved will be as decent, but I would be surprised if it wasn't the case.

If you can present other witnesses (as many as possible) who can repeat to the court the stories that you have told them in the past, this would be very helpful to your case. Again, I would like to stress that I am not speaking with any sort of legal knowledge here, but it was very useful for the jury to hear recollections from third parties. It was particularly helpful during my jury case, as there was no other evidence available at all and many years had passed by since the abuse had taken place.

Take any help and support that you need, including on this site. MN can be very abrasive and unforgiving at times, but for posts like this, they pull together and can be completely fantastic. TheVast's post sounds interesting and you may be able to find some peace through this route.

x

Well done OP on taking your dad to court.
It's such a brave thing to do and you should be really proud of yourself.

Your flashback to the rape. Do you know who it was?
You can still report it.
You are having therapy so it may be that you just need to really talk about it with your therapist to help you.
But I would suggest some specialist rape counselling.
Please contact Rape Crisis. They can help you with all of this.

So so sorry about what you are going through.
But this may well have triggered PTSD so please don't ignore it.
Get that specialist counselling. You deserve it.

I am getting specialist therapy & emdr too. It's costing me a fucking kings ransom but without it I'd be dead. I was told by the police that the public gallery would be open. I dread seeing my cousins there. But this is all in the future. I'm waiting for the CPS decision. I can't see how they can say no though because the abuse is referred to in my SS & medical records. Today I just wanted to scream in my mother's face that she abandoned me to my father to be raped. I've been estranged from her for 10yrs now & she wonders why? I expect she's one of those grannies who moans about ungrateful dc on Gransnet... Do you know she walked out on us children when my younger brother was 4 years old.. FOUR years old.. Who the fuck can abandon a 4yo? Stupid cow. I've seen her FB page, she belongs to a charity for estranged parents... I just want to cackle & laugh like a deranged nutter at that.... & the best bit? She was a social worker in charge of the children's team!!! Having the power herself to remove dc in danger & lecture other parents... I'll never understand how she was given that job. It staggers me.

I had a similar childhood to you, my F abused my DSis and me. He's long dead, though, so we have to live with that. There were other abusers in our case, as he was part of a paedophile ring, though they're all dead too. There was one man alive who the police did trace, but there wasn't a realistic prospect of conviction so the CPS didn't pursue it. My brother was involved, but he was a victim too and now a vulnerable adult so we agreed with the decision not to prosecute him.

I have had EMDR, which was helpful, and I'm planning to have more in the future as there is a lot more I need to process.

Well done you for pursuing this. I'll never get to this point, and part of me is grateful for that, though at times I hate my F for being dead.

You're much stronger than you realise. You're welcome to PM me as well, we're in a similar place, I've been at a very low point recently.

I'm finding EFT (tapping) really helpful to help with all sorts of stuff. And yes emdr is v good.

Oh op. Huge hugs xxx you are so brave , we all are, however we deal with the aftermath of abuse but what you are doing is v v brave xxx

And yes please pm me as well, if you think it might help you xxx