Emotional abuse

[Dontknowwhat2d]

Hi,

First time posting as I have been looking online and have seen that you ladies offer good advice. I haven’t got any children so probably shouldn’t be here however I cannot talk to anyone in RL about this yet.

I am being emotionally abused by my partner of 4 years and I have only just seen the light that this is emotional abuse. I do not want to be a person that puts up with this and am completely ashamed of myself that I have been accepting of it and willing to accept it.

I love my partner with all my heart and do not want to leave . My partner has a mental health problem so lashes out - however I take the brunt of it all. Today I have been told to shut the fuck up , shut up, told to fuck off , piss off , told I am annoying and that I am a fat cunt. When I start to cry my partner mocks me and mimics me crying.

When things are good they are amazing and my partner is loving and complementary . However , at points when the mental illness is bad I have been pushed , shoved and generally spoken to like I am worthless .

My partner is seeking counselling for the mental health issues . I do not know if they have a form of personality disorder.

I do not know what to do. I cannot be emotionally abused yet with counselling / therapy things may be better ... we are both in our 30s and have professional jobs and a lovely lifestyle. No one in a million years would ever think this was happening behind our door. I am ( on the outside) an outgoing, feisty woman who takes no shit at all - hence why I am probably so ashamed of myself that things have got this far.

Has anyone got any advice ?

Well first of all any mental health condition is no excuse for his abuse.
As you have no children you are enabling his behaviour. So the ball is in your court even though its not your fault.
I went through years of this shit and its like being slowly boiled like a frog! He will be affecting your thinking and self esteem.
You have to leave to regain your feistiness!!

I don't think it actually matters why he's acting like a shit to you. Think about your own mental health and prioritise it instead.

Thankyou. Everything goes through stages where I am elated and then rock bottom.

I have a personality disorder. I DO NOT shove, push, swear at, belittle, lash out at or abuse my partner. That's what a abusive twat does, with or with MH issues.

Abusive partners loop from being lovely to being abusive. It's how they keep you hooked. If they only showed their real abusive side no one would stick around long enough to be abused.

My advice: leave! Fast!

OP I've been there and am starting to see the light after leaving. I have no advice to add to what others have said, but my counsellor told me never to feel ashamed or guilty for having allowed it to happen or for having got into this situation. It's not your fault. But now you've realised how bad it is, you can decide how to go forward.

My advice...
Leave while you have no ties..

Mental health excuse my arse! Start being more concerned about your own!

I do not want to be a person that puts up with this
Well then don't put up with it.
It's really simple (although I know it isn't)
You have no children.
You can leave.
People like this keep abusing because THEY CAN.
Because women put up with it!
Please walk away.
Things won't improve - EVER

Please contact Womens Aid and arrange to do their Freedom Programme.
Your boundaries are not good and you should have left years ago with these red flags, but you didn't.
You need this course to understand abusers.
What they do and how you can end things.
Call them today.
They do have an on-line course as well but it's far better to attend in person.

This person is physically, emotionally, verbally and maybe financially abusing you... And you love him???!!!
Really? Why?
What is to love about someone who treats you so appallingly?
Please find your self-respect and get out and live a happy life.
Away from abuse.

Leave before you have children OP, I wish I had. A lovely lifestyle means nothing when this is going on behind closed doors.

Christ. Please leave.

Does he do this with everyone he knows? I'm guessing not, otherwise he wouldn't be able to hold down a job. What does that tell you?

You know you don't deserve to be called names like that. Nobody should treat you with so little respect. Just because it's the way it is now does not make it acceptable. When you're free and can look back, you'll wonder how you accepted it.

The highs and lows are natural adrenalin - it's what he's relying on to keep you locked into the cycle, almost addicted to the turbulence he's creating. You're not in control of your moods anymore, he is. That's not cool.

Counselling would definitely help you establish your own centre, and redefine your self esteem and sense of loyalty to yourself. You will need this more than anything so as to avoid being sucked in further and eventually destroyed. You know the ending already - please take every step to prevent it happening to you.

Leave him ASAP and don’t have kids with him.
Because of the cycle of bad behaviour and ‘lovely person’ it took me many years before I realised what was happening. If you stay you will doubt yourself and get brain fog and the longer you stay the worse it will be.
Never mind his mental health, it’s no excuse!!
Put your mental health first.
Like you, I am independent and confident in public and I felt embarrsed too but remember it’s not your fault ... you’ve done nothing wrong.

The fact he is only doing this to you behind closed doors and everyone else thinks he's a good guy proves his abusiveness is intentional and cannot be minimised or blamed on MH issues. Also the fact the relationship swings from fantastic to absolutely horrendous can be addictive, if you recognise and learn about it, perhaps it will encourage you to leave? Abuse is often on a cycle to keep you in place.

Are you holding onto hope that therapy will cure him of his abusiveness? Read Lundy Bancroft's books on abuse, he states that they rarely reform because it's their choice to behave that way. It's in their belief system.

Abuse should not be tolerated. Please leave this man and rediscover how lovely life can be without someone constantly tearing you apart. Good luck

hellsbells is spot on. I second Banana on reading Lundy Bancroft (Why does he do that? or Should I stay or should I go?)

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? They will listen to you, understand your situation and when the time comes, help you to make a leaving plan.

Abuse goes in a cycle. It is well recognised. Well done for recognising it! Many women remain in abusive relationships for decades. WA can help you understand the dynamic and help you through this.

In response to your not having any children, so you're not sure if you belong here.. you do. I will always hold Mumsnet dear to me as it really, really helped me through an emotionally abusive relationship two years ago. Some very wise words, and startlingly accurate insights changed my mindset and supported me through breaking free. I am so grateful to be free.

It’s not just emotional abuse though...it’s also physical abuse. Shoving and pushing is physical abuse. Do NOT have children with this man!! He is an abuser who is hiding behind a declaration of mental health issues. Does he do this to anyone else? Parents, friends, co workers? If not, then surely it’s not mental health issues? Why just you? Please get out while you still can

He’s absolutely awful.
Leave. Run. Don’t look back.