how long is the denial stage after an affair?

[longtimelurk]

A very dear friend of mine recently found out her husband has been having affairs behind her back. The first day or so she seemed shocked and upset but since then has just carried on as normal. She seems to think she can fix this and that 'it is just a blip', 'we are stronger than that'. They have been having lots of sex (worryingly) and huge public displays of affection.
He is known for being a charmer and we have noticed how he is showing no remorse for his cheating- why would he? They have been together 11 years and he has had several affairs he has got away with.
This has been 2 months and I am increasingly worried about it. I haven't been in this situation but as a long time MN lurker, believe it is a denial process? How long does the stage last? Will I know when the next stage comes? What happens then? Will she see him for the awful man he is or continue blindly for her DC's? How can I be her friend through this when she seems so happy? (I don't want her to be sad, but it does not seem healthy to bottle this up)
Any advice please.

There's no fixed time, but as he's had several affairs and he has not had consequences..he'll just carry on.

Why would he stop if she accepts it.

They are currently hysterically bonding with all the sex.

Has she had a sexual health check?

what is hysterically bonding?
If my DP ever went near another woman the last thing I would want to do would be to have sex with him!
My sister's partner had an affair but she was in a terrible way for months. While I never wish to see a friend go through the same, is it a normal thing to be so happy? (she was upset when she told me and I am not sure she isn't upset behind closed doors). Do people just forgive and forget? I appreciate everyone is different, but the painful stories on MN are far from what seems to be happening. Should I be concerned?

You don't really know how you'd react in that situation - it's easy to say you'd leave or never let him touch you again and whatnot - but in the event people don't always do what they say they'd do. (And if you google hysterical bonding you'll get some sense of what it is - it's not unusual).

Sounds like she's putting on a front, but if that's the way she needs to handle it, that's up to her. She'll open up to you if she needs to. I'd just take her lead on it.

If he has had multiple affairs then it sounds like her denial stage might be perpetual. Maybe she will eventually bring her hwad out of the sand, but all the evidence suggests not So sad people cant see their worth.

Dirtybadger I think the same. She is a lovely, funny, kind person who could do so much better than him. I want to tell her that, but do not want to wade in on the situation. If she is happy, then each to their own, but it seems odd. It may be she is hiding it, or she may be in complete denial, but yes, Category12, it is up to her.
No, I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. I do not think I would carry on oblivious though.....

The unthinkable happened to me in November. I cried for 2 weeks. I walked away and left him got drunk met new men. Then it was like a switch in me and I took him back. I spent months having sex every opportunity until I woke up at 3am and saw him with utter disgust. I left him again. I am far from well now but I am away from him. I think you need to give your friend time to work it out herself.

For me the moment I discovered my ex’s affair, that was a deal breaker. I got my sh*t together and within a month I had started divorce proceedings..I’m very easy going and tolerant but I wasn’t prepared to put up with the betrayal, lies and someone putting my health at risk through unprotected sex.

There was no ‘Hysterical bonding’ or doing ‘The pick me dance’. I told closest friends and family and also the in-laws. My ex wasn’t going to get away with re-writing history or image management I told the most important people the truth.

People are different though, I know people who haven’t told anyone about their husbands or wives affairs for years, just kept quiet about it all. Others who have had horrendous divorces and some years later they got back together.

You can’t tell your friend what to do, give her your opinion and she can take it or leave it, no hard feelings. Just tell her your there for her if she needs you.

About 7 years for me

I did the hysterical bonding thing with my ex after initial shock and anger on discovering his infidelity. With hindsight i lacked ability to leave at that time & also felt i shouldered some of the blame for the situation arising. During that crazy sex filled bonding period, we were both making an effort and felt rather like the start if a relationship.

Having relationship counseling sort of shifted the anger forwards again for me as I felt like it was all about poor ex & didn't really deal with the pain he'd caused me.
About 6+ months after the haze started to pass, things ex had discussed in counseling didn't materialise & his effort dropped out. I hated how I felt when he was late or on a night out.

I'm not sure you can say much in this "fix it" period that will change her mind, but reassure her that his behavior isn't her fault, he had option to discuss problems/end relationship not cheat. I had friends be understanding of cheating due to dry spell or strain on ex during my illness.
It seems common that people stay in these relationships as leaving feels too difficult for whatever reasons, they may need time & support to build strength to make that step.

is the bonding part of denial? How long does the bonding last?

I think it's different for everybody but the bonding and denial stages generally can last about 6 months then it's time to move on to the white hot rage. Usually it's aimed at the OW rather than the scumbag that you unfortunately happen to be married to.

Right now she knows what happened, but her brain is refusing to accept it. I was the same and then it would be like a punch to the gut where I could not even breathe.