Advice on abandoning my Mother?

[Sadiemoon]

Hey everyone, I’m looking for advice. I’m not sure what to do and if I should cut my mother/family out of my life completely, so her and my biological father split up when I was about 4 and a month or two after got with my step dad. However she couldn’t be bothered to look after me and I ended up living with my grandparents, my grandmother was a raging alcohol and her and my grandad would argue everynight (my grand-dad would beat her up in front of me). When I was about 18 years old ended up drinking heavy, taking drugs and being anorexic for nearly 10 years. I also met my partner who is my husband now and having an abortion which afterwards I spiralled out of control and became very depressed and still don’t forgive myself now. Me and my partner ended up travelling around for several years as I think we were both abit lost and then we decided to try and move back home but my mother kicked me out at the age of 28 as I couldn’t find a job I then ended up homeless for nearly a year going to and from various cities over the UK. Anyway me and my husband worked really hard and now have a lovely baby and a house down south west, however my mother has never helped at all with my baby and they just expect to come down here twice a year for there holidays! She has turned my entire family against me and blames me for everything and plays games with me constantly. She never helped me with my eating disorder and never cared when I called her saying I was homeless etc. I’m feeling angry all the time and I feel like it’s spoiling my time with my baby girl. I’m really sorry for the long story but I don’t know many people here and don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. Any help would be very much appreciated Xx

I don't have and real help as I don't have any experience, but you explain yourself really well and seem to be able to see your really poor support growing up in perspective. I am sure it was really tough but well done on getting through it and now doing well.
It seems to me that you need to the best way of feeling good yourself, with no account at all of your mother's feelings, she doesn't deserve that respect and in many ways seems worse than a stranger in terms of being useful to have around. You can either cut her off completely, which many recommend but is obviously difficult, or cut contact to just the odd e-mail or something and make it very clear you are not meeting again. She has NO rights over you and your child.
There are, unfortunately, many people on these boards with similarly terrible parents, I am sure they will be along to help. There is also the 'stately homes' thread, here in Relationships. Good luck.

She sounds toxic and a terrible parent. I can't see what good she's done for you from your post.

I get the anger thing. I'm currently very angry with my DF for various things and finding it hard not to dwell on it. Currently heavily pregnant.

I think having children of our own can bring it all back to us, when we've been mistreated as children/young adults. We suddenly have a very visceral clarity that we would never treat our own DC that way, so wtf did they treat us like that?

I can only suggest limiting contact with her and seeking out some counselling for yourself to help you come to terms with how poorly she treated you

She abandoned you to your grandparents (I presume these two were her own parents) a long time ago and they were plainly unsuitable and unable to parent you at all properly. It is indeed to your credit that you have yourself turned your life around.

You do not owe anyone a relationship least of all your mother who is simply using your house as somewhere to go on holiday. No is the word you need to use here, start saying no. Drop the rope she keeps holding out for you. Deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt that keeps you still tied to your mother in some way through therapy.

You need to change the wording you are using in this situation.

You say in the title you are ‘abondoning’ her.

But actually, that is what she did to you. She, the mother, abondoned her child on many different occasions over a number of decades.

What you are doing is not abandoning, but seeing the relationship for what it is (non existent, toxic, detrimental to your health, protecting you own child, unlike what she did, and living your life healthy and happily inspite of her, not because of her)

You are not abandoning anyone. But you are putting up boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

Don’t worry about other people believing her lies. That’s on her, not you. You know the truth and they don’t matter.

Start by looking up what the greyrock technique is and applying if necessary. Don’t be available for her ‘holidays’. Get rid of your answering machine and have caller id. Don’t answer the phone when it is her unless you want to.

Start limiting contact and see how your life is. I am betting NC won’t be far.

She really hasn't done anything to earn the right to a relationship with you or your dc.

I think you will be better off and happier without her. I wish you all the luck and strength for your future, and hope you'll stop beating yourself up about the dark times you went through .

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your kind words and for taking the time to write back. It’s so upsetting but I think your all right and I need to limit the amount of time with her and stand up for myself, thanks again