Not in love with DH - what do I do?

[MrsKOBrien]

Hi,

I am increasing wanting out of my 20 year marriage. We have 2 kids - they are the only reason I stay...

DH is ten years older than me and he acts older. He is 56, I am 46. We have nothing in common. We have had no sex life in years (I just do not fancy him in a sexual way). I am finding that I am craving affection at the moment (call it hormonal) but don't want it with him. I am unhappy spending time with him now. I know that sounds awful but it is the way I feel. He was never one for passing nice comments to me, even in our younger years. We live like house mates/parents not husband and wife.

I was very inexperienced with boys when I was young, unlike my friends. I tended to keep out the way and stay at home in my bedroom when my friends were out meeting new people. I always backed off and hid if any boy/man came near me.
I was quiet as a young girl and was always nervous of being around boys/young men and I do sometimes think I only ended up with this one as I was afraid to be left on the shelf. I am an attractive, successful woman btw and now know I should have ventured out a bit more when I was young.

I have mentioned to him that I am feeling unhappy but he doesn't listen and buries his head in the sand. I haven't said to him that I am unhappy in marriage and don't love him in that way (I don't want to hurt him) but I am feeling very down about it all.

What can I do?

I am even plotting (in my head) escaping and have started looking at jobs away from here, or that involve travel, to get away. I am a professional and could easily do this. My kids (14/10) are what keep me here but I am so unhappy. What do I do? I have no parents etc. to talk to.

I am confused about why your kids "keep you there" when you could just move out.

Why don't you get another house/flat and go 50/50 in terms of childcare?

You can't live like this!

You have to sit down and be honest with your dh.

Tell him, I bet there’s a part of him that will be relieved too.

You have to sit down and be honest with him because it’s unfair on him to send him mixed signals.
If you don’t love your DH then put your big girl blouse and do the right thing for you, him and your children.

Staying for the kids is rarely if ever a good idea; they pick up on all the vibes between you two and things at home for them are not good either.

Do not stay for your children and besides which they are no reason to be staying with him in any case. They are not and should not be used as glue here to bind you and he together.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. That a loveless relationship is their norm too?. You stay for your own reasons; perhaps fear of the unknown, an overall lack of confidence and fear of change so its not primarily them alone. They won't say to you thanks mum for staying with someone like him either. They could well wonder of you why you are so weak as well as putting him ahead of them. Its really no legacy to leave them.

Tell him its over and make a new life for yourself and your kids in another residence without him in it day to day.

Tell your husband how unhappy you are. Make plans together to separate amicably. Share childcare equally.

You could spend another 40 odd years living like this - DON'T!

In another 10 years (or less) your children will be living their own lives and you will be older and still stuck in a dull, uninspiring, loveless relationship.

He is in love with me. It would break his heart tbh. But, he isn't noticing any of my signals.
I came from a broken home. My parents split when I was 8 (my kids are older). I moved out to a strange place with my mother and, eventually, lost contact with my father. My brothers had already left home before they split as there was a big age gap between us. I vowed it would never happen to my children so, I guess, this feeling of guilt keeps me here but I am unhappy.
His father is terminally ill at the moment (cancer and he is 90) so this also stops me doing anything.
I really don't know what to do,

If he is in love with you then tell him how miserable you are.

His dad is very elderly. Elderly people die. You can still support him through his bereavement.

Stop finding excuses to stay.

You'll be 90 yourself one day, with middle-aged children, possibly grandchildren and great grandchildren - do you want to be at the end of life, thinking about how your life should have been?

You're in your 40's - there are festivals, holidays, nights out, parties, days out with friends - don't stagnate, don't daydream.

If there's any love left between you and him, relationship counselling will help you both learn to appreciate each other. Then maybe you can both have a fulfilling life together.

But if you don't want him sexually you may find yourself being tempted to stray and then the shit will really hit the fan. Sort it out before that happens.