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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend of 4 yrs has text another woman

21 replies

fgcann001 · 09/05/2018 14:58

Just need a bit of guidance as I'm in a real situation here. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 4 yrs, we knew each other for about 4 years before that. We are both in mid 40's and have a child each with another partner. I'm totally besotted with him, but can be moody and a bit moany as I work full time, have my daughter with us (who is great I may add) - what with work pressure and me managing tight finances, I am sometimes stressed out. He always tells me how much he loves me, he'd marry me tomorrow and he does everything for me, I honestly cannot fault him and adore him. However, a few days ago I looked at his phone (wrong I know, but it was there and for some reason I just wanted to look) he was still asleep upstairs. When I opened the phone, he'd been using messenger (which he never uses) to text a woman at his work - she's much younger than him and he'd started to lead the conversation down a route that was (in my opinion) way out of line. This was at 1am and I'd gone to bed at 10.30pm. He was drunk and had messaged family members and friends too, but had got talking with this woman as she'd said what a nice 'wave' he'd sent her, so he was then telling her how he was so pleased to be talking to her out of work hours, and that she was known as 'pretty [name]' from the office and that she always looked absolutely blo*dy amazing and that she was sexy and if she was single and she should ask him if so, then asked why she was single and said he'd be the luckiest bloke when she got together with someone and that he was always happy when he bumped in to her as she made his day brighter, with a love heart. then the following morning whilst I was looking - she messaged him and asked if that's why he stands in a particular spot when on his cigarette break to watch her walk in and out of the office! What am I to think? I've thrown him out, as to me - it's cheating and I'm devastated and heartbroken. He's been messaging constantly over the past 4 days begging me to realise that it's because firstly, I was moaning and moody so he wanted to boost his ego, then it was because he was paying her compliments nothing more, then he's apologised and said he was just drunk and it meant nothing, then he's admitted he was flirting and shouldn't have said those things, but it's not relationship ending. I feel totally devastated and sick to be honest. Has anyone else had this experience - I thought I could trust him completely, seems I was so wrong. :(

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 09/05/2018 15:03

He’s been an idiot. Living with a moody person can bec draining, however if he’s not being forced at gun point, to be with you.

He should have ended things with you if he’s not happy. Kick the cheat into touch.

fgcann001 · 09/05/2018 15:45

I'm not always moody, although I can be sharp and pick up on things. But everything else in our relationship is (or was so I thought) great. He has nowhere else to live and no money to get somewhere, even the car he drives is mine. So perhaps he is being held at gunpoint to stay, when he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
LegoPiecesEverywhere · 09/05/2018 15:48

Where is he staying now op? I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of texting at all. If he works why does he have no money for place to stay or a car?

Adora10 · 09/05/2018 16:08

NO matter the state of your relationship what he has done is completely out of order; i mean at work too prob in full view of others; utter creep, he's showing you who he is OP, blaming it on you also completely out of order, I am glad you value yourself enough to get rid of him; what happens next time you are snappy or he is drunk, all excuses and really bad ones at that.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 09/05/2018 16:09

I'm a great believer in coincidence, but it does seem a remarkable coincidence that the first time he's ever done anything like this just happens to be the night before you randomly look at his phone Hmm

fgcann001 · 09/05/2018 16:10

He works full time, and he pays towards mortgage, bills, food and car insurance etc. he has enough of his own spending money per month. But clearly he doesn't manage his money well (he has bad credit from previous relationship/company issues), he may be in a hotel or he could be sleeping in his car (which he did the first night behind the house). Not sure, he could be with her - who knows! I just feel so sick from it all - but know it's the right thing to have thrown him out. He was leading the conversation down a path and only stopped when she clearly fell asleep or felt the conversation was going down a route it shouldn't, she was actually quite good and tried to keep it level.

OP posts:
MeMyShelfandIkea · 09/05/2018 16:30

No personal experience of this but I agree that such behaviour would be a dealbreaker, especially the blaming it on you. You'd always be wondering what he was getting up to.

Btw why was he always saying he'd marry you tomorrow but had not married you or proposed to you yet?

Beaverhausen · 09/05/2018 16:35

Good for You, you did the right thing. Alcohol or no alcohol he was in the wrong and then blaming it on your moods. Out of order!

Gloryificus · 09/05/2018 16:35

So now you know every time your moody/moaning he'll have no choice but to message pretty younger women in workHmm
What a catch he is!

Gloryificus · 09/05/2018 16:35

You're*

fgcann001 · 09/05/2018 17:18

Exactly what I thought - we'd had a fantastic day and evening, no rowing or anything, we do enjoy each other's company all the time and he constantly wants to be with me. Also, it's not like I'm cold towards him, in fact it's the other way round some times! I just don't understand it. I'm so devastated. He hadn't asked me to marry him because I've been married before and have said I won't marry again as I don't believe in marriage and not sure what it would change. Thing is, I own the house (which will be my daughters) and the cars as I came out of a marriage with equity so I feel the marriage thing is to get half and also he only sticks around as he has somewhere secure for him to live and also his daughter, who I've housed when his ex was homeless.

It has made me think that I can never trust him again and if I don't look a certain way or am happy at all times then he'll just go off and find someone else. He told me he'd apologised to her as well as he didn't mean to offend her and he was drunk. But to me, that has opened that line of conversation in person now and they work at the same place. She knows he likes her, he does like her clearly and so I'm now in no other position but to just end it all - which I have, but I feel sick to my stomach. I loved him.

OP posts:
sunsetheaven · 09/05/2018 19:06

How much younger is she? Some men can't help themselves.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 09/05/2018 19:09

So sorry you're going through this. The cynic in me thinks he was a cocklodger who was happy to live in your house and spend time in your company but only if he wasn't challenged by you in any way shape or form. Thank god you didn't marry him. Flowers

Gemini69 · 09/05/2018 19:20

you did the right thing lovely Flowers

Sisterlove · 09/05/2018 19:20

It would be the end for me. Where he lives is his problem.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/05/2018 19:25

He does sound like a cocklodger. Sorry. Flowers

dirtybadger · 09/05/2018 19:30

Ugh. Would be a deal breaker for me. To be honest just the way he was speaking to her would be too off putting (in a cringe way). No respect for someone being that creepy. I would be having second thoughts about my being a total sychophant like that Hmm. Its embarassing.

Everyone has different lines, and it sounds like he went over yours (and mine).
He doesnt get to decide where you draw your line!

Treacletoots · 09/05/2018 19:34

Ugh. What a complete wank badger. However you've done the right thing. You know it. You're far better off without this joker in your life.

Sorry it's happened though, it's never nice to deal with at the time :(

Cricrichan · 09/05/2018 19:39

Jesus, I doubt that's the first time he's messaged a girl. That was very full on and not in the least bit subtle. Sounds like he just tries it on with girls and see what comes back. You did the right thing finishing things.

fgcann001 · 10/05/2018 09:25

Just read all the messages - and I do agree. Never heard the term cocklodger - sounds a perfect fit though!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2018 09:34

but it's not relationship ending
Says he - because he did it!
It's a deal-breaker for you and that's all that matters.

I agree he's a total cock-lodger and you've done well get rid of him.
Keep him gone.
Give him a couple of weeks to find himself a new car and then take yours back.

Well done on not putting up with any shite.
So many people do.

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