Advice please

[TinkerCharlie]

Hello all!

I am a 43 year old male, married with two beautiful young children, boy age 3 and girl age 18 months.

Over the years, even before our first child, or sex life hasn't been overly great - although in the beginning it was as it always is. Mainly due to me rejecting my wife's advances. I'm not sure why as I find her attractive and love her to bits. I think perhaps laziness and sometimes I would go limp halfway through sex (seeing a Dr about this and also getting a testosterone level test done). If I were in her shoes, I being rejected would be a terrible thing.

Anyway - she started a new job about 5 months ago, and she's met someone (a superior) who has shown interest on a sexual level - sending tests etc. which has been reciprocated by my wife. I guess I should have seen this coming, I mean if you're not getting it at home, why wouldn't you look elsewhere? Nothing has happened between them (he is also married with 2 children, but apparently unhappily), but she lives him and they seemingly get on really well.

We have been to marriage counselling (the private contact has stopped with this other man although she sees him at work everyday and they have the occasional coffee with each other to discuss work and likely more private matters...).

My wife wants to separate and have space. We are seeing the marriage counsellor again tonight. My wife says she's confused and doesn't know what to do. I want to rectify things and try and get our marriage back on track, not just for the sake of us, but also for the sake of our two small children. We get on very well it's the intimacy that is the problem.

The thought of our family splitting completely devastates me. Do I fight, or let her go?

Any thoughts, suggestions, tellings-off muchly appreciated!

Sorry - should reads: likes him, not lives him!

You give her the space she has asked for.
And personally, I'd keep walking, but that's just me.
What is the carer situation with your DC?
Is your DW the main carer?
As she works, I assume they attend nursery unless your are a SAHD?

I luckily work from home, so I drop them off and pick them up from nursery. She works long hours, so it's me that is the main carer as I can choose my work hours.

We still live under the same roof I hasten to add.

How sure are you that it's just the intimacy side of things? Have you had a frank conversation with her either during the counselling or alone and you can be sure what needs to be worked on...if you haven't done so already I'd probably ask outright if there was anything you can do to get the relationship back on track as if not you could be flogging a dead horse. As upsetting as it is when you have young DC's I don't believe that staying together for their sake is the answer. You may be kicking yourself that you let things coast along as you have and now that another man is showing an interest you've woken up in a sense...yes you both made vows but if you don't constantly work at your relationship then resentment and distance builds.

I’d say she’s been well out of order, flirty sexual texts, meeting for coffee and continuing to do that even after you’ve found out and she’s admitted what’s been going on. She’s been taking you for a mug and will continue to do so if you let her. She should have stopped all contact, ideally looking for another job if she was serious about breaking it off with him. However it sounds like she has already checked out, sorry.

Personally for me, the trust would be gone if she wasn’t pleading for forgiveness and trying her hardest to fix it. It seems that she sees the counselling as a way to split amicably rather than try to get your marriage back on track.

I’d let her go, it will give her enough space to miss you and her life with the dcs all under one roof all the time. Let her taste single life and maybe realise that this man was just a distraction from her unloving marriage rather than her saviour.

If they honestly believe they are love’s young dream and destined to be together they’ll do it either way, so if I were you I would not perform the ‘pick me’ dance, I’d pack her bags for her (presume you’ll stay in the house as you work there), set up 50/50 with the DCs and let her see how green the grass really is as a divorced mum.

In the meantime hopefully you will get some medical help but ask yourself why you allowed things to drift to this point before looking into that. It sounds a bit too little too late.