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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner can’t control temper

20 replies

Flor02 · 09/05/2018 13:59

My partner curses a lot, mostly unaware that he is doing so but will curse in front of children very regularly, full range of words. I’m constantly asking him to tone it down but says he has always been like this and not going to change. It can then lead to argument with him calling me names, often with kids present.
He also has major road rage issues and has got to stage that I feel so anxious if we go anywhere in car, especially if kids with us. He will shout at other drivers, name calling etc and small ears are listening.
I don’t want kids thinking that language is ok but I can’t seem to get through to him. If I say anything he gets all defensive and says if I don’t like it I know where I can go.
I’ve started getting panic attacks and getting to stage where I’m to nervous to introduce him to people for fear of that he would say.

Any advice please.. thank you

OP posts:

Frosty66612 · 09/05/2018 14:04

So you try and explain that you don’t like him swearing in front of the kids and behaving in an aggressive way when driving etc, and his response is to tell you to leave if it bothers you?! He sounds lovely and mature!
Not sure what to suggest as it doesn’t sound like he’ll take anything on board to try and change his behaviour

Adora10 · 09/05/2018 14:06

So he verbally abuses you in front of his kids and says it's just him, I'd be saying well this is just me - newly single.

Do not put up with that, your poor children.

Please listen to him and go. Do you really think you are that bad that you should put up with this crap from anyone, least of all your so called partner.

Wolfiefan · 09/05/2018 14:07

Is he like this with strangers or people at work?

GnotherGnu · 09/05/2018 14:09

Does he work? Does that mean he manages to control his language and temper at work? If so, he has no excuses whatsoever.

In any event, it's incredibly childish for a grown man with responsibility for small children to have so little self-control. You need to think about whether you want him as a role model for your children, and indeed whether he will end up taking his temper out on them.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2018 14:12

if I don’t like it I know where I can go
Then off you go OP.
Why would you allow this?
Why are you allowing your DC to be around this?

Do you have any outside support? Family or friends?
How many kids do you have together?
Is the house joint and mortgages?

You say partner, so I'm assuming you are not married.
How long have you been together?

Please stop putting up with this and allowing your DC to learn such damaging ideas regarding how relationships work.
If any of your DC was with someone like this when they are adults, what would you say to them?
Would it be OK with you?

Dvg · 09/05/2018 14:13

Doesn't sound like he cares if you leave.... what kind of relationship is that.

And I'm afraid that it will have an impact on the kids, my ex step dad was the same, had a really violent manner to him, never hurt me or mum but would swear and shout and get road rage all the time. It terrified me and I still get scares when people get angry and swear now.

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2018 14:13

Does he swear like that all the time at work as well? If not then he can contol it, just chooses not to

Original poster

Flor02 · 09/05/2018 14:28

Yes we are married for number of years. He works full time and can lose temper at work also. My family live in a different country so if I were to leave I wouldn’t be able move back overseas, I would have stay here so both would have access to kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flor02 · 09/05/2018 14:31

I do want to make marriage work but I feel like I’m losing myself and need to somehow be heard without it turning into a “well I pay mortgage so I can say what I want in my house” kind of argument.

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 09/05/2018 14:31

What names does he call you?

Original poster

Flor02 · 09/05/2018 14:32

Usually retard , stupid bitch

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 09/05/2018 14:34

And you want to make it work with someone who abuses you why? Your kids will grow up thinking that's how grown men behave and that is how relationships should be. Make a plan to get out.

Frosty66612 · 09/05/2018 14:34

I couldn’t be with someone who called me such vile names like ‘retard’. Is he ever nice or is he a horrible bully all the time? what is he like as a father other than letting them hear him behave like an aggressive pig?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2018 14:41

You will never be heard by him, he thinks you are inferior to he as the Big Man. He won't change; this is who he is.

Why do you want to make things work with such a person at all?. What is in this relationship for you still that you stay and tolerate this from him therefore tacitly accepting it?. Is this really what you want to teach your kids about relationships?.

There is nothing here to rescue or save; this is who he is and he is abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2018 14:45

"My family live in a different country so if I were to leave I wouldn’t be able move back overseas, I would have stay here so both would have access to kids"

Do you at all think he would be at all interested in seeing his children post separation?. Is the above some sort of threat he also holds over you as well?.

e does not care for them either if he treats you as their mother like this. They are being abused at his hands as well because they are seeing you as their mother being verbally abused. Womens Aid are well worth contacting here; they can and will help you on 0808 2000 247.

Gloryificus · 09/05/2018 15:04

Op your partner doesn't value the marriage in same way as you if he'd rather curse, lose temper and be verbally abusive to you in front of dc than listed to your valid request.
He wants free reign to rage regardless of how it makes you feel.
He doesn't care what sort of example he is showing your dc
And you staying with a man who is verbally abusive shows your dc that you and your feelings don't matter.
They will grow up treating you the same or entering relationships were same happens to them.

Why is it ok to be called names by man who is supposed to love you? And no there is no magic words to make him behave or change, this is him
How do you make a marriage work with a person who doesn't respect you?

Gloryificus · 09/05/2018 15:05

Listen*

GnotherGnu · 10/05/2018 16:32

Contact Women's Aid to find out about your rights if you separate.

Adora10 · 10/05/2018 16:35

Usually retard , stupid bitch

It's abuse OP, pure and simple and your children are also being exposed to it; he's an utter disgrace. I also am shaking my head at why you would want to work anything out with such a vile excuse for a human being, never mind partner and parent.

Olddear · 10/05/2018 17:22

Why do you want marriage to this foul-mouthed abuser work?

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