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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does it frustrate you when.....

17 replies

bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 13:15

Your partners ex still has photos of your partner on social media?

Been out for lunch with a friend, she's been with her partner for a year. She mentioned she had stalked his ex on fb (the mother of his child) and she still has all photos of them together uploaded. He split from her when the baby was young so there's apparently a few pics of all 3 of them together before they split.

They aren't friends on fb now.

She was really upset about it but I just couldn't understand why tbh....she shouldn't of looked! And what can she do about it? Nothing unless she wants to come across as a crazy person demanding they be taken down.

I think she was after sympathy from me but I just couldn't give it.

My dh deleted all his pics of his ex of fb when we got together. I didn't ask him to and probably wouldn't of.

I've looked at his ex's fb profile once before....she also has pics (or did do) of her and dh together still on her fb but she's never been in a serious relationship since. It probably hasn't crossed her mind to delete them.

Yep it wasn't nice for me to see. Absolutely not though it did prove to me that he was unhappy with her. You can see it in his face (zero smiling in any pic, doesn't touch her in any of them and looks like he's been forced to have his picture taken which is what he always said she was like) so for me it was quite comforting that it confirmed what he told me.

I've never looked again and don't plan on doing so tbh. It's what life is now that counts.

But my friend....she's constantly stalking his ex. Constantly looking at the pictures of them together. I just don't get why she's doing this?

He's a lovely guy, really well suited for my friend but I think she has a good chance of ruining it if she carries on like this.

She's said she's going to speak to her bf and admit that she's looked at his ex's profile and the pictures have upset her....OMG she's going to sound like such an idiot.

I really did try and warn her not too.

I'd understand more if they were on his profile. But even then, you can't force anyone to delete it. It's part of their past and they may not want too.

Going forward though, my friend hasn't met her partners child yet. She isn't involved in any of the drop offs etc when he has to go and pick up his son (which obviously means seeing his ex) and I don't think she would handle it very well at all if she can't handle a few pics that are nothing to do with her partner.

I don't know if I should of been abit more sympathetic really. Like I say, I'd understand more if it was him that still had the pictures but he has none, it's all from her. Opinions? She thinks it's just a massive sign that she still wants her ex back.

OP posts:
TheMonkeysAreMine · 09/05/2018 13:26

Wouldn't bother me at all

She sounds like she's lacking perspective and is insecure

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2018 13:31

She really needs a grip handed to her.
I wasn't on FB much before I met DH but no way in he'll would I go through every photo and delete every ex in case their new partners or mine were crazy.

She's on the right path to being single.

Smeddum · 09/05/2018 13:32

Why was she on the woman’s Facebook? That’s a bit strange is it not?

ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/05/2018 13:34

I probably have photos of my ex boyfriend from 10 years ago uploaded to facebook. I never thought to remove them.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/05/2018 13:38

Good lord. I hope she goes for it and he dumps her. She sounds like a lunatic.

Might be worth filling her in that the woman in question is not just an ex, she is the mother of his child. She will be in his life forever. They will always, always share something special. There will be birthdays and graduations and all kinds of things where they will both be photographed with the child they made together. Those photos will go on fb.

Tell her to find someone who doesn’t have a child if she’s going to be so jealous. She would be such a horrible step mother by the sounds of it. Hope he sees that soon.

bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 13:39

@Smeddum Facebook stalking. I'll even put my hand up to being guilty of facebook stalking tbh. We all do it, have a nosey at people. But this is extreme.

It's strange as I've known her 15 years now and not once did I ever think she was the insecure type. I think she's well and truly fallen for her dp and just can't handle that he has a past (I.e made a commitment like having a child with someone else). She's always dated guys that have been 100% available, no baggage etc.

I have warned her but I just didn't know if I'd been too harsh by not offering sympathy. I can see now, I haven't.

It's just as we are in similar situations. Dh has a child from a previous relationship and also split when dss was a baby. She thought she could come to me and I'd understand. I do to a certain extent. I feel insecure of dhs ex from time to time. But not to this extent!

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 13:43

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat yeah this is my point, if she can't handle seeing photos, how is she going to handle seeing them together?

Dh and his ex have an ok relationship. I don't particularly enjoy seeing them together lol. But it is what it is. We are in a place where we can all be together though - myself included. I go to dss bday parties. I stand and chat with dh and her from time to time. No biggie really. I can't see her ever doing that. I have dcs too and have to see my ex. It literally cannot work if you become jealous and needy over these things.

From what she's told me, he's over his ex. Well and truly. He's happy with her, they are very close and l bed up. I've met him a couple of times and he's always had his hand on her knee or round her shoulder. You can see he's smitten with her. Why that isn't enough for her I don't know.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 09/05/2018 13:45

I’ve got 3 exes as friends on FB, DP has a couple of his. I’m genuinely surprised by FB stalking, it seems a bit off to me.

bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 13:47

@Smeddum it doesn't have to just be with ex's. Facebook stalking just means anyone really. Like I was having tea with my mum last night and she mentioned someone in my year at school. I couldn't think who she ment. Quick fb search and bingo! Found them. Had a quick look at their profile to see what they've been up too and how they've changed over the years. Nothing in it though, won't look again lol. Not every day like my friend anyway Hmm

OP posts:
Tamingoftheglue · 09/05/2018 13:50

Weird as fuck. The stalking not the photos. She sounds insecure and obsessed.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2018 13:57

I split with my ExH and father of my child 9 years ago.
There are still pics of us with our families and DD on my FB.
Why would I delete that history?
Seems a very odd thing to do.
Your friendsneeds to get over herself.

Gemini69 · 09/05/2018 13:59

Why was she on the woman’s Facebook? That’s a bit strange is it not?

Weird as fuck. The stalking not the photos. She sounds insecure and obsessed

I don't use FB so couldn't say either way.... but it's not weird according to the countless other pages on Mumsnet where people openly admit to searching Ex's pages etc.... Hmm

bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 14:00

Tbh I'm wondering if there is more to it to be honest. I can't see a big deal in it either really. Like I say, my dhs ex still has them (or did) but it honestly doesn't bother me. I don't see why it would bother anyone else either, we all have a past. And especially my friend who is always so carefree.

I'm wondering now if there maybe is more to it than it seems.

I don't know but thanks for replies, I'm glad all have been in agreement that she is being absolutely ridiculous

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 14:05

@Gemini69 I think most people are just nosey bastards really lol. I have a look at my ex from time to time....dunno why, just curious. I like to see if he's put any pics of our dcs on also.

I also look at an ex of mines gf every now and then too. But because he wanted to cheat on her with me and she had no idea. (Never happened by the way and I told him I was going to tell his gf, I never did but he thought I did lol) They are still together. Or were a few months ago.

My mum regularly looks at the woman my dad had an affair with. Which I wish she wouldn't as that's way more personal and upsetting for her but she can't help it for some reason. Though she finds comfort in that her and my dad have split now and her relationship status now says 'single'

I suppose it's all quite sad really.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 09/05/2018 14:07

@Gemini69 I think most people are just nosey bastards really lol. I have a look at my ex from time to time....dunno why, just curious. I like to see if he's put any pics of our dcs on also

Yes that's what I mean... lots of people admit on her to doing the same thing... you just worded it better hahaaa Flowers

NordicNobody · 09/05/2018 14:18

I still have all my photos of all my exs on fb. I don't think I've ever deleted a fb picture. I've been with my dp for years, we have 2 children, it never even crossed my mind to delete pictures of old exs. I don't know if he has any pictures of his long term ex either because I've never looked through all his photos and unless they were snogging in the photo I doubt I'd know it was her. I don't know her name or what she looks like so couldn't stalk her if I wanted to. But it wouldn't bother me for a second if dp had all their pictures on fb, or if she did, or anything. Ok I'd be bothered if they were together in his profile pic or something, but beyond that I can't fathom getting upset over it. It seriously baffles me how seriously people take social media and how insecure they get over any indication their partner had a life before them! I have a friend who, after 2 weeks dating a new guy, was hard core fb stalking all his female friends to try and figure out if he used to date any of them. She then started checking their FBs daily to see if they still interacted in any way. It was utterly insane, but she was convinced it was totally normal and everyone did it!

bitzy12 · 09/05/2018 14:40

@NordicNobody I think social media has a massive part to blame in insecurity really. For exactly this type of thing as well as all the selfies and altering pictures everyone seems to do these days.

It's defo not normal to continuously stalk someone that's for sure. Not in my friends circumstances anyway.

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