I love my dp, i really do but he is making my life so hard.

[OrangeMoon]

We have been together almost 7 years now and have 2 dc, dd is 4 and ds is 2.
He works from 5am until 6.30pm 5 days a week and i understand these are long hours (he drives a lorry) and his work makes him tired, but what he doesn't understand is i don't sit on my ass all day doing bugger all.

My eldest has cerebral palsy and needs a lot of care and my ds is going through a particularly hellish bought of the terrible 2's i am non stop all day, running around after the kids, tidying up after them, generally doing what most parents do but with a lot more work involved with dd.

When he comes home from work both the kids are excited to see him and rush over to him, and the reply they get is "i have just walked through the door give me 5 minutes".
Neither of the kids understand this, they've missed their daddy and just want to tell him about their day and give him a cuddle, so i'm left with 2 crying kids who just wanted to see daddy whilst he goes and makes himself a cup of tea.

Then its tea time, i always cook, he say's he doesn't know how to but has no particular interest to learn, but once tea is finished it's left to me to wash the dishes, clean the kids up and generally tidy up again, his excuse for not helping "i've just eaten"!!.

If i left the kids alone with him they'd never get a bath, they'd go to bed late and would be sat infront of the tv all day whilst he plays his stupid game on the computer.

He just does nothing for us even when i ask him to do something he moans and winges like a 2 yr old.

He needs one hell of a kick up the backside but i just don't know how to do it.

He loves me and the kids, that i know buthe just doesn't seem to care, he started letting me have a lie in on a weekend but when i get up the kids are usually fighting infront of the tv and he's sat on the computer.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A few options are available for this one.

a. Have a massive row (tantrum like a 2 yr old ring any bells?) and storm out.

b. Tell him you have had enough of his lazy arse behaviour and have decided that as much as you love him you are too knackered to keep looking after him as if he is a child so he helps or gets out (if he does go you need to stay strong and only let him back when you think he has learnt his lesson and start as you mean to go on with him and if he starts to slid kick his arse big time)

c. sit him down and talk to him about how upset you are that he doesn't help out more.

d. say nothing and let it carry on, try and do less of the non urgent stuff, your kids are very young and one has cp it's going to be hard for some time yet i would think?

What do you want to do about it?

Sorry but I don't think he can be labeled lazy arsed when he works from 5am til 6.30am. Granted, he sits on his bum at home but he does work long hours so we have to give him some credit for that. Sorry.

I don't think a big row and you storming out would solve anything either. You love him so obviously you want to find a solution.

I think lovemygirls final suggestion is a good starting point. Do less of the non urgent stuff and do less of the stuff he can do for himself. Like putting his ironing away or tidying up after himself. If he won't tidy up his stuff get a box and just shove it in there.

The key is that you do whatever it takes without making a big announcement about it, without causing friction. Just take action. That way he's not being 'told' but he will notice. A row is avoided and you have no more added stress.

I read an article recently that said men need 10 minutes 'staring into the fire time' when they get home from work, just to wind down and get into 'home' mode. You are supposed to sit him down in front of the tele with the remote control as soon as he gets in, that way he winds down and is more receptive to everyone else. Might sound like bollocks but... for my sins... i tried it and it does work!!! My DP is much nicer after his 15 or so minutes of caveman time. The most I say to him before then is 'hello'.
But now, he is the one instigating conversation and getting involved with DD without having to be asked

Plus I stopped nagging and whining, askin and begging, i stopped playing the hard done by woman. My silence paid off! Theres nothing more worrying to a bloke than a silent woman

I've tried sitting him down and talking to him about it but i don't get much out of him, after i talk to him he makes a bit more effort for a couple of days but then it's back to being his usual lazy self.

Done the tantrum like a 2 year old (smashed a few plates as well!!) and walked out for a couple of hours, got back and the flat was semi cleaned by him and he never mentioned why i walked out grrrrr!!!!

I just want him to help me a bit more with the kids and around the flat, then i feel guilty for asking him to do more as he works so many hours, then i kick myself for feeling guily becuase i do just as much work as he does during the day and i get less sleep than him (he snores badly!!).

He always complains we're skint, but he asked me to check his online bank the other day and i noticed 2 transactions of £30 each which i found out were for a website called faceparty (a bit like myspace) where you pay to see other users naked pics, and some of these girls are only 18 and he's 34 years old ffs, i haven't said anything to him about it yet but i think it will end in a major arguement if i do.

I had a bit of sympathy for him in earlier posts, given the hours he works, but not after seeing he has paid £60 for that .

Oh dear. Now thats not good.

You know what i would do. I would tell him i want £60 for a new dress or a hairdo. When he says we can't afford it you say "well, you could afford it to look at cheap tarts on the computer" all in a nice calm way. See what he says to that!! Then tell him he can pay you back by doing chores for 6 weeks

You know what else I think. That you are probably tired out, completely exhausted! And understandably so. Instead of sitting him down for a talk, a blaming session, why don't you try telling him how you feel, how tired you are and how you need some help, tell him that if you don't get some help fom somewhere you are going to crack up. If you make it about you rather than *him and his failings maybe he will respond better.
Anything to avoid a row!!! Welcome to the world of Manipulation

Ifonlyhewould, i have resorted to putting all his junk and crap in a box and leaving it for him to sort out but that box is still in our bedroom and gets bigger by the day.

I know he works long hours during the week but at the moment i am living off 3 hours sleep a night and having to get up at 4am with my youngest then going to hospital appointments most days and after cleaning up properly on an evening when the kids finally settle to sleep (normally 10pm because of my ds who just does not do sleep) i dont get to bed until late.

He is no different on a weekend either, in fact he is even more lazy, we never get out of the front door until at least 2pm because he just sits on his ass on the computer (i'm beginning to think he loves his computer more than me).
I've had several things needing doing to my car and i ask him to do them on the weekend, all little jobs which wont take long but he sits there and say's yeah i'll do it later, i eventually took it to a garage and it cost me alost £300 for a few little jobs which would have taken him bugger all time!!

As for letting him have his caveman time upon getting in from work, short of tying the kids up in their bedroom there is nothing i can do about that, ds is too young to understand and dd has learning problems so she doesn't understand either.

I honestly feel like a single mum, the only thing he does is wash his own clothes, however he wont wash the kids clothes or mine, he say's he wouldn't know how to!!!!!!!!!!

I can totally understand your frustrations, i really can. Dh works long hours but so do you, his working week is 5 days but yours is 7!

I really don't know what else to suggest apart from just trying to 'let go' a little. Do less around the house but don't let the doing less stress you out.

I think the best thing that could happen for you at the moment is that you get a good, full nights sleep I wish I could help you xx

Thankyou iohw.

Yes a good night sleep is definately what i could do with, but that wont happen either, oh well.

I think at the moment we really need to talk like you said, its just trying to get him to as well, he's a self confessed typical bloke who runs away at the first sign of having to deal with anything emotional.

I almost left him a year ago, had a lot to do with how he was around the flat, with the kids etc but mostly how he just doesn't seem to care about anything.
He is the most sarcastic person i know and i hate people like that, as they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
But he promised to sort himself out, and he did for about 6 months, then his old habits started creeping in and now we're back to where we were a year ago.

I really dont want to leave him but he treats me like i'm his flatmate / cleaner / cook / PA, not like his fiance, i think this will be his final chance to change.

He has done a lot of other things which most people will say so what the hell are you still with him for, but i know somewhere in him is a decent person who loves his kids and me, but needs to be reminded what he is going to be missing if he carries on the way he is.

"I really dont want to leave him but he treats me like i'm his flatmate / cleaner / cook / PA, not like his fiance,"

The I-don't-know-how excuse is pathetic imho - is he too stupid to learn? If he can wash his won clothes he can wash everyone's. Leave him to cook his own dinner!

Gawd - none of the above is very helpful, but he sounds like he needs a good slap into next week (figurative - not condoning domestic violence of course).

Hope you get some sleep. And hope you can talk to him sometime when you are not overtired and overstressed. If he loves you he must make more effort - or at least understand how much you do and be supportive. It should be a partnership - if he isn't interested in being a partnership maybe he isn't realy interested in the relationship.

I hope you work things out x

The knack is to learn how to cope with it/him, to develop your own coping mechanism. If you don't do that then you will forever be at his throat and you will get more and more resentful until you do end up leaving him.
You maybe can't change *him but, you can change how you react to him and how his not pulling his weight makes you feel. It takes some practice, self control and some hard work mentally on your part but, it can be done. My guess is that your exhaustion is making things ten times worse at the moment and, if you don't mid my saying, thats not the best time to try and talk. Men respond better to talks of an 'emotional' nature when they are not directly faced with it, when its a sort of 'add on' to something they are already enjoying, like being out for a walk or driving. As long as its not 'in ya face' stuff you usually get a response. I would say to drop how tired you are etc into a conversation when you are both relaxed and enjoying something together. If that tends not to happen these days then plan something

You could always tell him you are thinking about employing someone to help around the house but of course, the computer would have to go because you couldn't afford the internet as well as the help

By the way, You can only be 'treated' in a way you allow yourself to be 'treated' You may have to make changes of yourself rather than expect them of him xx

I have to go make tea now but I will check back on you later

i don't want you to think that i'm in anyway condoning your DH's lack of help in the house, i'm not. But sometimes you are better banging your head against a brick wall dealing with men in these situations.

I just thought if we ould come up with a way that makes it easier for you to cope it would be better than the constant misery or bad atmosphere that arguing creates. I will be thinking about this tonight

Take good care. Get a bath and an early night tonight. sending you hugs xx

Um...

"Faceparty is a community social networking website originally populated by teens through to late twenties, but is now popular with all ages, including thirties, forties, and even fifties. Faceparty allows users to create online profiles and interact with each other using instant chat and messaging facilities"

Basically most people use it as somewhere to meet/chat/flirt with other people. Yes, if you pay a subscription you can see adult pics on profiles too, but for the most part it's somewhere to hook up with others.

I have no problem with my dp looking at as many boobies as he likes on porn sites but I would have a MAJOR problem if he was on faceparty! Just letting you know, it's not just porn, and he has NO EXCUSE to be paying out £60 for that kind of thing if you are struggling with money. I'd be furious!

As for the rest of your post, I really feel you are too soft on him, and I like to consider myself a very fair person. YES he works, but so do you, and longer and harder, for no pay!

There isn't a Nanny in the land who would look after both your children simultaneously, be a carer for your eldest's cp, cook, clean, do the shopping, washing, ironing, take your child to hospital almost every day and the countless other things you do every day without questioning all on 3 hours sleep!

It would be far too much to ask, and if she did do all those things she'd expect shedloads of money for it, and consider herself very hard done by. But as a mother, it's just expected, and you still feel guilty that you don't do more.

Meanwhile your husband gets up early, drives a lorry all day, and does his own washing. Yeeeeah.... I'm afraid I can't exactly see why he's too important to give his children a hug and a quick chat when he gets home. He is their father and he is the one who should make allowances for the fact that they don't understand why he won't hug them and hear about their day. It's the least he could do!

I know he must be tired, but so are you. He should pull his weight more. There's no reason why he can't share the chores at the weekend, and give you a rest from the kids for a couple of hours for your sanity. Remember, your "job" is 7 days a week, so don't let him use the "but it's my day/s off" excuse.

thankyou again everyone.

I know faceparty is to chat and flirt etc, i logged into his account this morning and the only messages he had in there were from the website confirming his payment, thats not to say he might have deleted some?
I have changed his username and password and deleted the confirmation email from his email and put the website as blocked, he now knows i know about it, i asked him last night fo some money to take the kids to an indoor play center today, and he said he didn't have a lot left, so i said well you had enough to look at cheap tarts on faceparty!!
He didn't deny it or say anything, i went off to bath the kids and he just came in and acted normal, as if nothing had happened.

I think i'll take us all out this weekend to the sea-side so the kids can run around and i can have a serious chat with him, and if he cant do what i want him to do, e.g, help out around the flat etc, then i will have to re-consider being with him.

Well done you!

Thats a really good start. I hope it all works out for you. It does seem a shame to have to leave the man you love, leave the relationship because he can't bring himself to help out more. I hope he comes through for you xx

Orange, Loving someone is not just something you feel, it is something you have to actually do!
He says he loves you, but he certainly doesn't act like it.
MY DH works longer hours than yours, regularly has to work weekends as well and still trys to do his bit around the house. No excuses - it's just an attitude adjustment that is required.
Good luck - you deserve to be treated with more respect.

Orangemoon - you sound lovely and very over-worked.
Your dp is getting away with so much and he doesn't sound like the type to change. The faceparty thing would send me over the edge I'm afraid and with all the other behaviour (plus whatever you haven't told us) too I would be sending him packing. It's really not fair on you. What are the good things about him that make you love him?