Need advice on dumping a rude friend

[Sunshinelollipops101]

I have a friend i've known for 20 years. Over the years we have had a few fall-outs and not spoken. Most recently we didn't speak for 3 years, this was my decision because she never had time for me, even during a breakup with an ex, and the friendship felt very one-sided to me.

We got back in touch a few months ago at a friends funeral. She apologised, said she was in therapy and was working on her issues.

We've spent quite a bit of time together recently, but i have felt it is very much on her terms. Like i have to follow her around on her errands if i want to spend time with her. She often snaps that she's busy when any suggestion of meeting up is made, she wants to speak to me and see me but dictates what she wants to do and lists a million reasons why its the best idea.

If we make plans she changes them at a whim if she has a tantrum - for example we planned a picnic, before we were leaving she states she is not hungry and does not want to go. I went to a local park and she comes along, but phones a family member she has issues with and had a huge argument. She stayed at my house that night and the next morning she calls another friend and invites them for a picnic and leaves with the picnic food we were going to share.

she seems very angry and negative and has started speaking to me with contempt. snapping at me. I tried to tell her the way she cancelled the picnic and is now going with someone else made me feel upset. She snapped back that she "had to run an errand for work...so.." - the way she spoke to me was so rude and contemptuous.

This is what her personality has always been like. Basically a lot of the traits that i broke up with her for 3 years ago are still there, so i need advice on how to walk away and minimise her causing drama.

She text today (the picnic fallout was Sunday), but her text doesn't recognise the situation. She has said she's sorry she didn't fancy eating on the picnic - but she literally had a tantrum and said she wasn't going at all because she wasn't hungry, she said she wanted to stay in (on the sunniest day of the year!). She said she cut the conversation short on sunday because "she didn;t want our egos to get in the way after we had a nice night on saturday night" - what!?

her text is clearly trying to smooth things over and reconcile, but i don't actually want to deal with this in my life and want to walk away. I know there is no way of her seeing my point of view without her becoming rude and arguing that she either was not rude, or i attacked her.

so how do i walk away.. i'm pretty angry with her. I kind of want to just ignore her completely, but i may get a barrage of texts demanding an explanation soon... any advice?

Blazing row, telling her what you have said here? Or a message with it in. You can't change her. She's a selfish controlling person who doesn't see the issue with how she speaks to and treats you. Get her told and bin her. Make it clear why you're doing so. You need to be as subtle as a sledgehammer I'm afraid.

I'd say you have 2 options.

1. Total (but diplomatic) honesty. "Sorry friend, I'm just finding the drama and falling out is too much for. Not saying its all you, it's probably a personality clash, but I need to take a step back from this friendship as I'm finding it more stressful than enjoyable. I wish you all the best though."

Or

2. "Things are a bit too busy/stressful/i'm struggling (delete as appropriate) at the moment so will be keeping my head down for a bit and not up for socialising, no offence intended. Take care and see you around."

Then just phase out entirely.

this is what is easiest in my opinion. Is rather than giver her attention and drama, just flake out. She sounds like she has some narcisitic tendencies and uses you, and if she doesn't get her way she goes nuts.....

If she makes a call flake out, then say you are busy this week but will get in touch in a few days/when you've checked your meetings/got back from/got better from a cold.. just a liturgy of excuses. Just fade into the distance. No need to make a drama, you don't need anymore....

I think there's a 3rd option - tell her that her behaviour on Sunday was rude and disrespectful and as a consequence you feel it is in your best interest to let the friendship slide. So please don't contact me again.

Don't get into discussion or negotiation after this. You're are most certainly entitled to your feelings, and that's how you felt. She's rude and quite frankly if she really is in therapy, she needs to either up the intensity or get a new therapist, if she thinks her behaviour over the weekend constitutes friendship.

Don’t put up with her. She’s horrible! Not really a friend! Just distance yourself. Don’t contact her at all. Don’t answer messages. Just ignore.

I'd reply.
Thank you for the text explaining your view of what happened on Sunday.
I think we are very different people and have very differing view points. This will only ever cause disagreement. For this reason I believe that we cannot continue a healthy friendship. There would be too many arguments or hurting each other unintentionally. It has been lovely catching up after this time and I look forward to catching up again in the future if our paths should cross again. Take care of yourself.

Then block her number etc to not get a barrage of abuse.

I agree with those saying one quick text saying words to the effect of “Sunday made me realise that this friendship isn’t working out out for me anymore, I think it’s best if we end it. I won’t be replying to any further messages.” Then immediately block her so you don’t have to see anything further from her anyway.

Tell her, let her know your version of events, tell her how you feel about being snapped at and spoken down to then disengage. Be politely unavailable for meet ups and keep contact to a minimum. She'll get fed up pretty quickly as she doesn't sound like the type to chase somebody around trying to make amends.

"I don't know if you intended to apologise for suddenly standing me up over the picnic on Sunday and then going off with X and the picnic food we had bought, but I'm not really feeling it from the words in your text. I'm fed up of the rudeness, the drama and everything having to be on your terms, so I'm calling it a day on this friendship. Goodbye, and do try to treat people with a bit more care and respect in future."

Have to agree with DPotter option 3 is the best and one I had to use a few years ago. Then block her number/email/etc and don't respond to anything, for any reason.

You are entitled to a life free of her narcissistic attitude. There was a reason you weren't in touch for 3 years and that hasn't changed now.

I agree with what Angelf1sh said. It's honest, straightforward and not overly confrontational, but does the job. Make sure you block her number immediately after sending. Who needs friends like that? She sounds toxic. Walk away and don't give her another thought.

I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Long term friendships that have become one sided and/or toxic are emotionally painful.

She doesn’t respect you at all, and you deserve better. She seems to treat you more like an emotional punching bag. Perhaps send her a text telling her that your friendship has hit too many roadblocks, (and it seems the causes are the same as before) and it’s best for you both to move on from the friendship.
Good luck.

I like midthread's suggested message. I'm pretty non-confrontational, but this woman was so outrageously rude to you at the weekend, I think she needs calling on it.

She sounds vile and I bet you felt calmer during the three years when she wasn't in your life.

Are you going to come back and update us op?

She sounds like a narcissist. Every thing she does is about creating a scene and making it all about her. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it, she'll argue the toss and try and make you feel bad and create more drama. The only way of dealing with her would be to block and ignore.

I would just do the opposite of whatever you are doing to keep the friendship going, so eg.:-

• If you are contacting her for a meet up - DON'T
• If you are calling to say hi - DON'T
• If you are texting - DON'T

-If she calls you , sure be pleasant but keep it as short as possible.

• Is she tries to arrange a meet up - You are busy (any reason but you are busy/ill or whatever and can't make it.

From what you say about her it will be useless to call her out on her behaviour because she would have a tantrum and in the absence of a toddler you could do without that nonsense in your life. She sounds like a complete piece of work you would be well shut of.

I would like to suggest the grey rock technique