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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I contact the police?

20 replies

thefourgp · 08/05/2018 22:47

I’ll try not to drip feed. I ended my marriage in January and my ex DH has been making my life very difficult and stressful. The children and I got placed in emergency housing because he kept shouting and swearing at me/threatening suicide etc and he refused to move out.
He’s now moved into a rented flat and we’ve just accepted an offer on the family home. I’m having a lot of difficulty getting him to agree to childcare. He constantly mucks us about. He’s repeatedly refused to take them when he’s angry with me, he actually once brought them back to my home after I dropped them off two weeks ago because he was angry I wouldn’t tell him the content of a text I received whilst dropping them off. (I never had an affair and I’m not seeing anyone - he just likes to control me) I told him last week I’m at the end of my tether and I want all future contact via our solicitors. He doesn’t want this because he refuses to spend money on a solicitor.

He was warned by the police not to harass me when we separated in January (he sent me 50 texts in one day and wouldn’t stop phoning me even though I wasn’t answering). I keep thinking we can talk and come to an agreement but he’s so irrational and bitter any peace never lasts more than a few days. I’ve had to block him on Facebook, messenger, phone and text. He’s now started emailing me.

In the past two weeks he’s turned up at my home three times either crying his eyes out or angry (banged on window and giving me the finger). I have repeatedly asked him not to contact me but he turned up at my door again tonight.

He’s not threatening me with violence but he’s pestering me so much I really just want it to stop. He said he wanted to talk with me for five minutes about childcare but there’s no point. We will not be able to come to an agreement. I don’t want to waste the police time because he’s not threatening violence but he’s not listening to me. It’s not fair on the kids or me. Would you contact the police and ask them to get him to back off? His cousin and best friend have both said they’ve repeatedly told him to stop contacting me so much but he doesn’t listen to them.

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 08/05/2018 22:51

Yes police. This is harassment

forumdonkey · 08/05/2018 22:53

Continue to ignore him. The next time he arrives at your door causing a scene call the police.

Gemini69 · 08/05/2018 22:54

You need to do this through 3rd Parties only now... go get legal representation and he needs to do the same.. stops him contacting you ever again

tribpot · 08/05/2018 22:56

Would you contact the police and ask them to get him to back off?
Definitely. He doesn't have to be threatening violence for his behaviour to be threatening and deeply distressing for you and your children.

DextroDependant · 08/05/2018 22:59

You can apply to the court and get a non molestation order.

Asking the police to ask him to back off won't do anything, he won't listen. You need a non mol so that it is an offense to contact you.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2018 23:02

There's a law against stalking/harassment

Ladymadness · 08/05/2018 23:02

I would call the police non emergency to report his intimidation and harassment right now. Call emergency if he comes round kicking off again. No good will come from ignoring him to try and keep the peace. Go the legal route and only have contact through solicitors .

notapizzaeater · 09/05/2018 08:38

People have asked him, and told him and he's ignored them - yes call the police - perhaps that will make hi see sense

Sweatymoose · 09/05/2018 10:48

Call the police and see about getting a non-molestation order.
Just because it's not psychical now, doesn't mean he won't get to that point. My ex was the same (the situation of you getting a text and him kicking off is VERY familiar) and it escalated to assault. It's mentally and emotionally draining beyond comprehension, sorry you're going through this, OP.

Original poster

thefourgp · 09/05/2018 20:14

Thanks for all your replies. I’ve emailed him to say if he comes to my door again I’ll report it to the police. And I will, but I want to be able to show them something in writing so he can’t make up an excuse. X

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 09/05/2018 21:49

that's great... I hope this helps you find some peace OP

Original poster

thefourgp · 19/05/2018 04:38

He’s just turned up at my door half an hour ago. He was really drunk and sad. Luckily the kids didn’t wake up but I can’t get back to sleep. Going on about how I’m the love of his life and he misses me and the kids so much. He started a new job last week and has emailed me four times this week but I’d ignored him. I’d arranged via his cousin for him to have the kids tonight. He kept saying ‘I don’t want to argue’ but that’s all we do and I can’t handle the stress of all the drama any more. When he says he doesn’t want to argue, what he really means is don’t say anything I won’t like. I’m going to have to call the police and report this and I feel sick about it.

OP posts:

Weezol · 19/05/2018 04:51

Please ring the police now. If it helps you, can think of it this way: he's roaming the streets in a drunken and distressed state, you are concerned a) that he will come back and cause more disturbance and b) you are wanting a welfare check on him.

The police can help you, but they need an 'in' to do so. It's time to get a non molestation order.

Toasttea · 19/05/2018 06:59

Get in touch with a family solicitor.

Original poster

thefourgp · 19/05/2018 07:43

I called the police and they’ve been around to speak with me. They’re going to warn him to back off. I went to see my solicitor two weeks ago but she’s useless so I told her a couple of days ago I won’t be using her anymore. I told her I want a court agreed childcare order but she kept focusing on the house sale. I keep having to chase her to send letters and she doesn’t return my phone calls. I’m going to speak with a new solicitor on Monday.

OP posts:

Weezol · 19/05/2018 09:26

As Toast said, you need a family law firm. The non-mol and contact are totally seperate to the division of assets, good on you for sacking the last solicitor, she sounds useless.

Your ex doesn't sound in any state to have any contact with your DC in all honesty. Unless there's a court order in place, you have no obligation to provide access.

HeavenlyEyes · 19/05/2018 09:30

Have you spoken to Woman's Aid? They will help find a good solicitor.

PatriciaHolm · 19/05/2018 09:31

Also... I hate to say it, but a court ordered childcare order will essentially mean nothing. He can't be forced to take them, even if you have a court order specifying his contact. I think you need to be prepared to make other arrangements - he's going to use any childcare for you as another hold over you.

bertielab · 19/05/2018 09:37

Get a new solicitor, get a non molestation order, inform the police. Report each and every contact.

This could escalate and you need to be protected.

Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 09:39

I've said several times on MN that it's really important to find the right solicitor.

I spoke to two who seemed to show no concern for my situation or my ex's behaviour and gave me no confidence. The third was a really compassionate and very experienced woman who understood what my ex was like and made the whole process bearable.

I hope the solicitor you meet this week is as good, OP.

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