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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Low contact mentally ill father being needy

15 replies

WakeUpSally · 08/05/2018 22:35

I have been very low contact with my father for almost 20 years. It's a long story but mostly due to his alcoholism and mental health issues. I last saw him 3 years ago and then again 5 years before that interspersed with the odd call. He was in a long term 25 year relationship (I have never met the partner) which ended suddenly about 2 months ago and since then he has been very needy. Up to 20 calls and texts a day, putting me as next of kin for two separate hospital admissions for depression etc. It turns out he has no one else. We live several hours apart and he is now saying he wants to come and stay in my house to 'recuperate'. Never mind that he has never met my 2 children or husband. The problem is I feel I can't turn my back on him as he keeps threatening suicide or to self harm. My sister has been no contact rather than low contact and has told me to say no but that's easy for her. What the hell do I do? He has booked the train to come on Thursday!

OP posts:
Toofle · 08/05/2018 22:39

You won't be any help to him if you can't stand him.

Original poster
WakeUpSally · 08/05/2018 22:42

I just can't get over the cheek of the man. Just telling me he's coming to recuperate and I have to go along with it because we are related. Shock

My sister has so far refused to even speak to him. I am beginning to see why.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2018 22:45

You have to be firm now. He’s just looking to use you. Don’t feel bad about it.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2018 22:49

It's emotional blackmail to start threatening self harm. Just say no. If you let him come now, you may find you'll have him there forever more.

Original poster
WakeUpSally · 08/05/2018 22:55

He sent an email yesterday suggesting he could use the time to look for a flat Hmm.

Errr, no. I barely know you.

He was admitted for a suicide attempt a few weeks ago so I don't think it's entirely an empty threat.

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 08/05/2018 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vangoghsear · 08/05/2018 22:59

Do not let him stay with you even for one night, because he will be very hard to dislodge once he's there. It may mean a horrible doorstep argument (and paying for a local budget hotel for the night) but the alternative is potential total disruption to your own family life. There is a reason his long term partner left.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2018 23:01

I wouldn't be blackmailed by the suicide threats. He's not been a father to you. You owe him nothing at all.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 08/05/2018 23:05

Every time he threatens suicide ring an ambulance on him.
You do not have to let him stay in your house, just say no. The people who live in your house with you barely know him why should they have to tolerate him living there!!
He needs professional help not to just give responsibility to someone else.
Honestly it will be better for him in the long run if you do not have him staying with you. Indulging people isnt actually helping them.

fluffyrobin · 08/05/2018 23:40

People with alcoholism combined with mental health issues are enabled by and leech off the goodwill of people with a conscience until all the goodwill has been sucked dry and all lives of loved ones devastated.

The only protection from this you have is to remain emotionally detached.

You have been warned.

planningpartyfreak · 08/05/2018 23:43

It's likely he's not thinking clearly enough to consider the impact of his actions or how it affects the world beyond what he has the ability to see right now which is often very limited in mental illness.

That is in a nutshell what mental illness is... not thinking healthily.

So I would be forgiving that his actions are not the best on that basis, HOWEVER you need to be assertive or your OWN MH will suffer.

It's perfectly ok to say "no, sorry - my children don't know you, my husband doesn't know you and I can't have you suddenly live with us especially when behaviour has been so unpredictable as much as I sympathise with your challenges" or something like that.

IF... he does something, self harms/attempts. That is NOT your fault/responsibility. It is HIS - a grown mans choice. I think of this often as I have a mentally unwell family member I have to choose between being assertive to for mine and my sons welfare or risking them doing something awful in response. Sadly men do commit suicide more often than women and I would be very wary of introducing someone unstable and likely to risk SH or attempt suicide into my home with my children potentially having to cope with that trauma.

PositivelyPERF · 08/05/2018 23:47

Do you like having a relationship with your sister, OP?

Do you like being married?

Do you like your children to feel happy and secure, in their home?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, then keep the manipulative arse OUT of your house, because if you let him in, you’ll destroy one or more of the above.

Pannacott · 08/05/2018 23:58

No no no, do not let him near you. You are not responsible for saving his life. You will just get dragged into misery and will not be able to fix him. It is likely that how he is now, is how he functions all the time (ie badly, drinking, semi suicidal).

All the care he's had so far has not fixed this, you will not be able to either. Stay firmly away, it sounds like your boundaries are a bit loose anyway, and it will be harder to protect yourself and your family the closer he is. "It doesn't matter if he's bought a ticket, you aren't going to see him" etc. Don't open the door.

0ccamsRazor · 09/05/2018 00:09

Keep those boundaries nice and high Op, do not feel bad at needing to protect your family and yourself from your father.

Don't invite the bad into your home, no good will come of it.

I wish you lots of strength Flowers

ohfortuna · 09/05/2018 01:33

you cant save this man, if you try to rescue him he will drag you down

tell him firmly and clearly that you wont be having him stay in your house....he probably hasnt really bought the ticket, it's just a bluff to manipulate you.

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