Emotional abuse and giving a character reference

[Zoo33]

I'm going to keep this short as I have another thread with all the background, but I don't think it's relevant here.

Relevant points are I'm in therapy after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I left him
5 months ago after having a miscarriage. He's just asked me to write a character reference so that he can apply to coparent. Apparently I'm the only one he can ask.

I can't in good conscience do it, can I? Or am I being selfish and possibly preventing him from having a baby? What would you do??

Just say no. That is not your problem.

Please don't write this for him, think of the effect on the poor child he will end up parenting.

My children have my emotionally abusive exh for their dad and I wish every day that they didn't.

Or am I being selfish...
This is leftover crap from your relationship, isn’t it? It’s a good topic to go over with your therapist.

Apparently I’m the only one he can ask.
That is manipulation, and I seriously doubt it is true. If he shames you - let him. He can shame you and insult you all he likes-it is still a ‘no’, kind of like a Wall of China type of boundary.

He has a lot of nerve. After only five months when you lost a baby and he is moving on to a parenthood role. He is rubbing this in your face. Bastard.
Perhaps, yes, you can go ahead and write your opinion on his character and completely throw him under the bus. Very tempting. Well, he did ask, and yes, he is leaving himself wide open for that scenario.

You need to tell him that you can write one but it will be totally truthful.
It will in fact dent his character quite a bit so suggest he finds someone else.

WTF.

Yes, tell him you'll write a real one. Listing every way in which he's an emotionally abusive idiot who shouldn't be allowed within yards of a young child.

Thank you all for your input, you're supporting the view I have. I really can't believe he's had the nerve to ask, but then he claims not to understand why I left him, despite me telling him.

@Redandyellowbits That's exactly my concern. Plus the fact I'd be giving a character reference knowing it was misleading and that someone might agree to coparent with him partly on the basis of that reference. I can't do that to someone.

@AndTheBandPlayedOn I definitely plan to discuss this with my counsellor! The question about whether I'm being selfish is more because I know that's what he'll say - although why I should care about what he throws at me is another point for my counsellor.

I don't really care that he's seeking to coparent / have a child. I'm just so happy it won't be with me - although dealing with the miscarriage is a whole other issue. He kept saying he'd prefer a baby with me, but is NOT happening. I'm looking myself at fertility treatment with a sperm donor as I'm not getting any younger and would prefer to go it alone than not have s child. Whether or not I go through with it after having the preliminary tests is my issue, but it's comforting knowing I can. And I don't need a bloody reference from anybody, not that I'd ask him even if I did!

Seriously don't think any rational OR irrational person would ask an ex they abused for a character reference for coparenting. I think he is trying to goad you or hurt you about your miscarriage. Why are you in contact with him? Why isn't he blocked? He's trying to open up a dialogue with you. The whole don't understand why you dumped him bit is a way to get you explaining again: ie start engaging with him. Ignore, block and move on. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him a straight up 'no'. You don't owe him a polite refusal. You owe him nothing. You do however owe it to yourself to move on and stop worrying about what he'll think or say about you! He is worth shite. His thoughts are worth shite. What he says is worth shite. You are free, stay free.

Zoo block him completely "no and don't contact me again" this main keeps harassing you!

@Thingsdogetbetter @RandomMess He is blocked everywhere but rang me at work. I can't do much about that as half my clients use private or withheld numbers. But you're right, back to ignoring. I successfully ignored him for over a month, I shall do so again.

He is so bloody annoying!!!! Next time "piss off" and hang up

@RandomMess Absolutely! My boss is supportive so she'll know I'm not insulting a client!

Block him. Definitely. You dodged a bullet.

I don't understand why he would need a character reference so he can choose to be a parent in the future. Is there a child from another relationship that he is trying to gain access to? If not then there is no need for a character reference.
As far as I'm.aware even if he is currently trying to gain access to his child a character reference isn't necessary. The courts have their own bodies that carry out reports on all parties to determine what is in the child's best interests so I don't understand this request.
In any case don't do as previous posters have suggested, however tempting it may be, writing an honest reference, detailing how EA he is will antagonize him further. EA men can turn into physically abusive men at the drop of a hat. Especially once they realise that their former methods of control are no longer working. Your first priority should be your safety.
I'm not sure why you are still in contact with him. Surely your therapist has advised no contact. Unless there are children/finances involved you need to cut all contact, it will be the easiest, safest and healthiest way to move on. Any kind of contact with this man will leave you open to his coercion and manipulation.
Please don't consider children yet. Make sure you are completely free of him, finish your therapy and grieve the loss of your baby before even considering children. People underestimate the effect these types of relationships have on you.and the healing that is required to recover from them. This has to be your first priority.
Good luck op

I really don’t understand why he needs a reference from you so that he can have a baby? It doesn’t make sense, is it real? Is it just an attempt to control you again? Or to upset you because he’s having a baby and you aren’t? Either way I’d tell him to piss off. He’s not your problem.

Thanks @Mountainsoutofmolehills @ALittleBitConfused1 @Angelf1sh

He's looking to coparent (have IVF with someone in order to create and legally share a child without having a relationship with that person) via a company that apparently requires a reference before adding him to the database. Not my problem though, he can get one from someone else if he really needs one.

I wasn't still in contact until he rang me at work. He is blocked but rang from an unknown number. But you're all right that I shouldn't have met him. I won't do so again - this is nothing to do with me. It may be that he was simply trying to upset me, although he seemed genuine.

I'm having the preliminary tests just to check my body is working okay - I won't be going through with anything for at least a year until I've sorted my head out from all of this.

'have IVF with someone in order to create and legally share a child without having a relationship with that person' - is that really a thing?? Ive worked around children for 30 years and ive never heard of it! PS don't do a character reference - there's no way you can testify to his good character!

I know the usual advice is to ignore approaches from toxic exes, but he's asked you a specific question which he will now use to pester you via work. If you can't get someone else to answer the phone at work and deny him access, perhaps consider (if you know where he lives) posting him a written reply 'I am unable to give you a character reference, do not contact me again' so he remains blocked and has no grounds for contacting you again?

@Walkacrossthesand It is indeed a thing - I've been Googling. Apparently it's becoming more and more common too.

I won't be giving him the reference. I can't paint him in the light he needs as it would be a huge lie. He'll need to find someone else. I guess I will need to tell him that so that he doesn't pester me. I'm going to see what my counsellor suggests in this regard.

Thank you all for your input. Giving a good reference in this situation would be totally misleading and I don't want to have anything to do with it.

I think this co-parenting letter is just an excuse to get in touch with you again & try to reel you back in. And it's working, isn't it?

I guess I will need to tell him that - he's already got you communicating with him about a non-existent event that will never happen. You are accepting his phone calls. Soon you'll be arranging to meet him to talk things over.

And here you are, back at square one. Right where he wants you.

I'd be tempted to describe him exactly as he is. But best to ignore. My EA ex had the audacity to put me down as a reference for some jobs he applied for after an acrimonious split. Guess, as I did not engage in any revenge and just walked away, he thought I could still be used and bullied into things. I gave a very honest account of his conduct and rapid turnover at various work places and how he almost lost me an important client when he worked for me.

It's not selfish to not want to write a character reference for a man who has emotionally abused you. I'd also side with the previous advice which advised not to write anything which details the truth about him. Ignore him for your own safety and mental wellbeing. His reference is not your problem.

I'd do the reference totally honestly. He can do what he wants with it but at least he won't ask again.

Right,

Come on.

This is all bullshit, no?

I'm not calling you a liar, OP, but I am calling him one. Let's look at this logically. He is asking you to believe that:

a) A "character reference" from an ex partner is a legal requirement prior to him donating sperm for IVF purposes

b) You are the ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD who can supply that

c) Five months after you guys split up, he is already in the process of finding a co-parent to procreate with and this is what he really wants to do with his life.

OP, none of this is....even remotely convincing, is it? It is a ploy - a desperate attempt to get back inside your head and make you start thinking about him again - about how you have to be nice to him, about his pain and his good points and how you're responsible for his feelings and his happiness and the future and tie yourself up in knots wondering how you can square the circle of his treatment of you with the need to pretend he is somehow a good person.

Tell him to do one. You wouldn't write a post-it for him, let alone a legal document where you gush about what a nice man he is.

Does the reference go to him or the company?
I know In adoption they can and do talk to significant ex’s so I’d imagine it’s to replicate that.

If it’s to the company I’d be tempted to write an honest one. But only if your mental health is good enough at the moment to go through it. Remember no one is the bad guy in their story, he won’t recognise he was emotionally abusive. This is not me doubting you in anyway by the way! He’s also asked you to rub it in that he’s moving on with his life and it will hurt you so carrying on the abuse.

@Lovetheme You may be right that it's all just an excuse. I don't feel back at square one though which is a wonderful feeling.

@TemptressofWaikiki @Wallywobbles I don't want to waste my time writing a reference of any sort! It would be satisfying to write a brutally honest one though.

@Sickandtiredofthisshit I suspect that's what my counsellor will say. Don't write it and don't get involved.

@SendintheArdwolves It wouldn't surprise me if he's lying but I do believe it (or some of it anyway). When I questioned the need for a reference he said it's because he wants to use a company that "matches" people, rather than one of those dodgy looking sites where the men clearly just want sex with desperate women. 5 months is rather fast but Google says the process can take a year with counselling and legal negotiations. I don't know. Frankly I don't care. He's not getting a reference from me.

@CakeOfThePan I didn't ask if it went to him or to the company directly. It didn't seem relevant to ask.

I can just imagine him ranting that I've destroyed his only chance to have a baby. Pffffft. Get someone else to write it.

It's rubbish. Flat out rubbish.