PAEDOPHILE case - how do you deal with press/publicity when its a close relative?

[horrifiedmum]

My father in law is a paedophile, well in fact child rapist would be a better description.

This news came out of the blue last year and his two daughters have bravely told family members and reported it to the police.

He has pleaded not guilty to charges of rape, buggery and sexual assault on them from age of 5 to 17.

It has had an enormous effect on me and my husband - he always wondered why his dad didn't seem to give a shit about him as he was growing up! I am suffering from stress and awaiting counselling.

The case will go to trial later in the year but the fear now is how we will handle it and cope if it appears in the press - local and/or national. My husband in particular is terrified that he will be tarred with the same brush and that we will have bricks through our windows. He is also concerned about how it will affect our relationship and our kids.

I feel more positive about it but obviously it will be stressful if it comes out - thinking about gossip and looks up at the school etc.

Despite his sisters not being named, as far as I am aware his name and picture could be released to the press (in the event of a conviction of course). We live in a smallish town so I imagine such a case would be seen as 'news worthy'.

I want him to see that despite how he feels, those feelings have to come second to getting a conviction.

How do I reassure him?

how awful - has he (your husband) had counselling? did the police interview him as part of the investigation?

do people in your town know who your FIL is? I mean, will they necessarily make the connection between your husband and your FIL?

oh how awful, sorry no idea how these things work but thinking of your family! x

He is trying to block it out to a certain extent as he doesn't want it to rule and affect our lives too. I am not sure thats a good thing but I can see where he is coming from.

Yes the association will be made, they even have the same initial!

He thinks everyone will assume that if his Dad did it, then he must be a sick vile freak who abuses his daughters too!

oh {hug}, i don't know what to say... how awful.
wrt the press, never say 'no comment' as it is still a comment, iykwim? so they will still quote you are saying 'no comment' but it makes you soudn weird.
have something rehearsed, something everyone in the family knows to say if asked. something like 'we're very proud of our sisters who have been brave enough to come forward, but it's a very personal matter and devastating to the family so we'd rather not speak about it, please.' the press can quote you as saying that and it gets the message across that you are supporting your sisters but want to protect them by not saying anythign else. do you see what i mean? i hope that helps in some way.

Perhaps you and your dh could have some family therapy together so that you are better prepared for the court case and when the story may come out.Have you discussed it with the rest of his family so you all approach any comments with the same response - united we stand etc.

I can see where he's coming from but trying to hide away his feelings is only going to make it harder . Could you persuade him to go and talk to someone?

I actually think you do need to be careful with mistaken identity, especially if he has the same initial. Are there rules about what can be released (have to say, even in local press you rarely get stories about this sort of inter family paedophilia, do you)?

I think his assumption is coming from not dealing with it all but I, sadly, do think he has a point - but this is the sort of time where you're going to have to be as strong as a rock for him and learn to hold your heads up high.

My db was accused of being a peadophile and it was hell.He was shown to be innocent in court and we breathed a sigh of release as the verdict came.However you and your dh need to talk about this with each other and others.Please be careful and make sure that those around you know what is happening.
My parents could not hide what was happening and it caused them a lot of probs(they had to move house etc.)
I did not hide what was happening I told people outright the details of the case and still do.The reason I do this is so that they know the details.
My uncle is a peadophile and I am afraid that even though he no longer lives with his father there is still trouble many years later.Again I tell people the truth(I have nothing to do with my uncle)
If you hide what is happening or just try to keep it quiet it gets out of hand.Make sure that people understand how you are feeling and how you are dealing with this.People tend to think that if you won't talk about this or show your opinion in some way that you are actually guilty of something.
I hope that the people around you are understanding and helpful.
Get some councilling and remember that if your dc's are old enough then be honest with them as otherwise they to can suffer.
I hope you come through this and that justice prevails.
Finding out that someone you trust/love could do these things is harder than their death but be strong.
My heart goes out to you

I don;t know where in the country you are but there was a recent case reported near me where a judge insisted that the identity of a convicted child-rapist be concealed to protect the rapist's family from being identified. Can you talk to either the lawyer or the police officers handling the prosecution side of the case and ask for their assistance? It's also possible that a family laywer could be the person to read out a prepared statement to the press, along the lines of "we support the victims and admire their courage, but we would like to be left alone to recover in private".

This works better than refusing to comment, I believe. Sympathy to you all and, as others have said, some counselling especially for your DH, is probably a good idea.

madamez if only it was that way with all judges.The judge in my db trial was an ass.
My db's details inc address were published in local newspaper for all to see.I hope for horrifiedmum and her families sake they don't have to go through what my family have.

singingmum that's awful, you poor things. Horrifiedmum, again I recommend you consult a good lawyer with regard to protecting your privacy.

I don't know if this helps horrifiedmum but I wouldn't assume that father = son and I've never read anything like that in a paper. Can you keep reassuring him that you are all in it together as a family (including his sisters) and that you will handle whatever comes together.

I'm sorry to hear that your family has this hanging over them and can only imagine the stress that you are all under. It's awful that in this country there is often a judgement of guilt by association, especially where some of the fruitier tabloids are concerned. Do you have a police family liaison officer asigned to you? If not, can this be arranged as it would seem that your DH and your children are also victims in this case.
I agree with some of the posts about the way to tackle the press though...saying no comment is never a good idea, so a prepared statement would appear to be the best way forward.

I hope things work out for you all and that you can work through this together as a family and that your SILs are getting the emotional support and counselling that they need.

my father wa sin the paper last week ( yes last week) for his case which was at magistrates court but for some reason still has to go back to magistrates for him to be referred to crown
People have seen paper as i live in town close to his but people have ( to my face ) been nothing but kind
To get to court on a charge like this takes a pretty strong case and a lot of research will have been done by police and cps before it is even considered
yes phrases like 'there is no smoke without fire' and 'mud sticks' springs to mind but i do not think ' guilty by association ' does far from it
your poor dp will have suffered enough
if you want to talk offline i am more than willing as - although i dreaded it- the press release was less stressful than i had thought
these men have to be brought to justice
few enough of them are

in my fathers case reporting restrictions applied
ask cod what that means but basically i think it means no one but the accused can be named and shamed and that is how it should be

suejonez.. etc - thank you, I don't think father = son at all. He is worried that others might though.

The frightening thing is that within days of us being told about it, I questioned him about whether he had sexual urges towards our children - I had to as a mother. If his dad, nice bloke, good job, 'normal' could do it then anyone could. I look at blokes in a different light now, always wondering if they are one of those too.

Very sad for everyone but even so, its the sisters that we have to put first every step of the way, our feelings come second. Same in respect of hopefully justice being done.

The bastard wants a QC to represent him too!

wishtobeanon - i will look into that but thats the issue - the guilty party being named and shamed - obviously that will affect the whole family.

The victims have the right to anominity however I bet lots of people would put two and two together from a report about him raping two girls, in the 60/70/80's, aged from 5 and conclude that it was his daughters.

I think everyone should know what a vile freak he is. I personally have no shame but its not about me, its my husband and his sisters at the end of the day. I would love to tell people what I know and that I don't have contact with him anymore and the reason.

There were two sisters, in twenties I think, about 2 months ago on This Morning and in the papers having waived the right to anominity. They were so brave, their dad had abused them until he moved out when the marriage split up and they reported him and he got a jail sentence.

i really feel for you
you need to reaalise that everyone will just feel hurt for the family and revulsion for the accused
he will not tar the rest of the family - your dp has nothing to worry about

Otter - I so hope you are right. I think thats how I would feel, in fact that is how I feel when I see horrific cases in the press.

Thanks for being reassuring

sadly i know how you both feel x