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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling very sad!!

13 replies

Bug81 · 08/05/2018 09:44

I met someone online just over a month ago. And in that time, we had 8 dates and even met his son. He is the type that talked about everything right from the word go, and I wasn't sure what to tell him and what not as early as date one. He's the type that wanted me to tell him my whole life story on date one, saying we have to be open and honest to each other. To be honest, I had been through some tough times and didn't feel like sharing on our first date. But after chatting some more, I decided to open up to him abt my life, he said I had withheld that information but we would take each day as it comes. He ha talked about his exs and how he had broken up with them cos they had not told him something early enough. Nice man but no patience I felt, he knew according to him that he was good communicator but said I was so bad at it. Even if I tried being open abt things like my family and what they were up in their own lives. He asked a lot of questions, some I wasn't comfortable answering too early on. So bank holiday weekend, he invited me over, I agreed, was at this flat with him and his son (nice boy), we had a great time until Sunday just before we headed out. My brother I had told him about rang me and I quickly answered the phone. Spoke for a few minutes, he also said hi to him. Cos I was talking to my brother in another language that isn't English, he picked up a word that had been said in English and when we had finished talking, he asked how my brother was, told him he was okay. He asked abt that word he had picked up, I explained that too. And since we were heading out, I got up to go to the bedroom to finish getting ready as he was asking another question abt my brother & what he does for work. But cos I was up heading away from him, without giving me chance to answer, he started accusing me of avoiding the question and walking off, I picked whatever I wanted & came back where he was and tried to explain that that's not what I was doing, but he had gone off on one, saying all sorts, how am bad at communicating, how I deliberately withhold information referring back to when I didn't give him details of my life on date two, how maybe my brother could be anything, maybe a murderer even.........at this point, it was getting too much as he wasn't letting me talk but him talking non stop, at the same time, his son was sitting next to him listening to all that he was saying. I got upset and went off to the bedroom giving him chance to cool off and maybe then, we could talk. I didn't want his son who he says went through listening to all the arguments he had had with his ex wife (son’s mum) listen to us arguing. After some minutes, we headed out as we had planned, had a good time and came back to the flat. They started on Home work, I started on the cooking, watched a movie after and then bed. I thought now that we are in bed alone, we could talk abt what had happened, he said I was on thin ice and he didn't feel like talking abt it, he was feeling distant. So I said to him, maybe we could talk abt it tomorrow. In the morning, we were up at 10.30am, a bit late and off to have breakfast and they again started doing revision, I worked on some stuff, we seemed okay, three of chatting and laugh in between. We decided we go out for a few hours after revision, showers and out we went, grabbed a bite and went for a walk in the park afterwards. Then back to the flat, did more homework that they didn't even finish, we had to leave so he could drop me off and then drop off his son to his mum. All this time, there was no window of opportunity to talk abt what had happened. Then after he had dropped his son off, we had chance and I brought up that incident. He then dropped the bomb that I had damaged what we had with the way I was when he asked abt what my brother does for work (when he honestly went off on one before I could answer) and that I had put him through that already, that I wasn't good at communicating and yet he wants to be with someone who is open, honest with him. I froze, I really liked this guy, he said apart my bad communication, everything else was amazing. I couldn't believe it was ending like that, I explained and begged for another chance, but he wasn't having it. He said we stay friends and get to know each other first and review after a few months, that we rushed into this. The more we chatted, he then said we can see other pple, but I told him if we are stepping back a bit and get to know each other as friends first, I could do that but seeing other pple, I wasn't up for that. I feel terrible after opening up to him the best I could in that short period of time, I was broken to know he couldn't be patient to allow me grow and be even better at communicating (that’s if am so terrible at it, I don’t think I am that bad as he makes it to be). I don't believe am a bad communicator, but I think he is too hasty to rule pple out, I think the way he communicates isn't the way other pple do. Am feeling bad and lost right now. Am I wrong to think he overreacted and should I have just argued with him in front of his son just put things right. He said I brushed things under the carpet, yet all I was doing was to find the right time to talk abt what happened (when his son wasn't present). Please advise

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2018 09:49

This man has more red flags about him that a Communist party committee meeting. What were you thinking here?. I would ditch this person now and work on your own self more in terms of strengthening your own too low boundaries here before actually dating again.

L1lacw1ne · 08/05/2018 09:53

Jesus! Run like the wind.

Four weeks in and he's abusing you to the hilt. And once he has ALL your private information, he'll have all the ammunition he needs to destroy mentally you.

Get the fuck out while you can. Now, today.

L1lacw1ne · 08/05/2018 09:54

destroy mentally you - mentally destroy you.

Don't know what happened there.
Think I couldn't actually type the warning fast enough...

SleepFreeZone · 08/05/2018 09:55

Op you have stumbled into a relationship with an abuser. He has targeted you because you are vulnerable and is demanding to know everything so he can manipulate him. You need to run darling.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2018 10:03

OMG - WTF are you doing?
I didn't even get through it all and know that he's an abusive asshole.
What have you learnt about relationships in your past??
This is soooooo NOT normal!

Please contact Womens Aid.
You absolutely need to do their Freedom Programme as fast as possible.
The fact you are even asking any of this is quite terrifying!

You have no boundaries and no understanding at all of red flags.
Run.... far and fast from this one.

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bug81 · 08/05/2018 10:10

Thanks all, I have been excited to have met someone who talked abt stuff openly. But I failed to understand why he got worked up over small things like, me not immediately answering his question abt my brother. To be honest, I have been a person who doesn't want to share someone's private details, I feel it's not place. Whether my family or not, private details should be respected, but this guy wanted to know everything and if I didn't feel like sharing those particular details, he complained that I was hiding something which made him cautious and thought perhaps I was lying abt something. I feel some things can be shared after knowing someone better, he believes the opposite. He has currently fallen out with all his family, his mum, dad and brother. Am beginning to think he's perhaps the difficult one.

OP posts:
Incarnationsofunderstanding · 08/05/2018 10:11

Seriously he's building up to controlling you.

I had one date with a man who was sort of like this, wanted total open trust, gained all sorts of information.

Date 2 he mentally fucked me up and raped me violently. He's an abuser. You have done nothing wrong.

Block him and NEVER speak to him again, the man you are describing is dangerous.

Bananacabana · 08/05/2018 10:12

He wants to know all your details early on so he can use it against you. He was super controlling and putting your character down. As previous posts have said, he is abusive. You are so much better off being without him. Please run far, far away from him. Oh and don't keep communicating with him, he'll just use that so he can sleep with you when he wants without committing you. Good luck and stay strong.

Cricrichan · 08/05/2018 10:18

Bloody hell. He's abusive, controlling, is messing with you and now he wants a free ticket to shag other people whilst keeping you in the sidelines.

You are not a bad communicator. You don't have to tell him everything unless you want to.

But anyway, run away from this man and maybe get some counselling because it's very worrying that you don't easily see what he's like.

missbonita · 08/05/2018 10:58

Run like the wind!

Bug81 · 08/05/2018 11:02

Thanks everyone, I had no idea he could be an abuser. The demand for information was too much too soon. Wanting to know something isn't bad but to take that much offence just because I haven't answered there and then was terrifying. He ended things last night, perhaps he realised I wasn't giving the information fast enough for him to use against me. Wow, I had no idea i could be involved with a crazy man.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2018 11:06

Sorry but this man sounds hideous and you really need to get away from him. SO many red flags! Introducing you to his son after 8 dates, let alone all the manipulation/guilt/gaslighting. Please, please finish with him.

wendywoopywoo222 · 08/05/2018 11:12

Glad he has ended it for your sake. What a manipulative arsehole. And please please say no way if he comes back saying he can give you one more chance. Good luck.

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