Mentally abusive ex

[Username987]

Morning everyone.
Quick background brief of why I'm writing and looking for advice. Was with ex partner for nearly 10 years ( 10 years too long ) he was 7 years older than me. He was controlling, mentally abusive and the biggest narcissist. I was very blind and afraid a lot of the time in our relationship - if you'd call it that!
We had dd now aged 3. I finally plucked up the courage and left him nearly one year ago, and I could not be more proud of myself. Financially I am worse off but my happiness means so much more.
I've met someone ( unintentionally) and truly believe he is my soul mate. I've never felt this way before!
Our relationship isn't public due to my ex and him still being so bitter, we go places but only places where we are less likely to be seen, my new partner is very understanding of this luckily enough for me.
Anyway, my question is, what rights do I have regarding my new partner being around DD? I am in no rush for them to meet whatsoever. I've been with new partner since Jan and they've never laid eyes on each other and it's staying that way for a while but thought I'd plan ahead as I know what ex is like.
Also, he won't allow my mum to look after dd as he's never met my mums partner whom she's been with for 2 years, I know him well and he's lovely. It's a form of control I know but wondering if anyone has been in similar situations and can give me some advice.
Ps. I am frightened of ex, he has the ability to make my anxiety hit the roof in just seeing he's text me. He's threatened to kill me before in text messages - the police should of been called but again this is where the control comes in to it.
Please be gentle with me ☺️ X

I'm wary of any talk of soulmates, too much romancing you need to be realistic. I'm glad you have found a nice man but take it very slowly but not because of your ex. I don't have any experience but my understanding is that your partner has no rights to decide how you look after your daughter who looks after her, when she meets your boyfriend etc. He can have opinions but not rights. I assume he is on the birth certificate?

Your ex has no right to dictate who you leave your dc with. He knows too much about your life, he doesn't need to know when you're going out or who's babysitting. So you need to limit what you're sharing with him and reduce interaction. And start preparing yourself to call the police on him. Have you got any support from women's aid or domestic abuse services? It would be a good idea to access these.

I agree with pog100 and category12, you have no obligation to share your present life with your ex partner. Likewise, you will have no say in who your ex introduces your child to.
As the natural father, your child should have a relationship with your ex providing the ex wants that. Never bad mouth him within earshot of his child, unhealthy.
Your child should spend time with all grandparents so arrange for that to happen, gradually and growing in duration. Grandparents have legal rights to see their offspring, again, both sides.
Yes, soulmate sounds a bit whimsical but if he makes you happy then take that. You are a grown woman so keep control of your situation and don't ever be subservient again.
Print out and share those text messages, calmly ensure he knows you have kept them, sounds like bluster to me.
Time to grow up, be a good mother, a great woman and stop letting your past dictate your present and future, you CAN do it, good luck x

Re leaving DD with people, in your time it's up to you to make arrangements and as long as they are suitable he. Any complain.
Re your "rights" to involve a new DP, you are entitled to do as you see fit. In a normal relationship with an ExP you might expect the courtesy of being told when a new partner is introduced as it's a fairly major event for a child, but there's nothing obliging you to (and you have reason not to). However, he's going to find out anyway so perhaps tell him in writing after they've met and don't enter into any discussion about it.

*he can't complain

Also, I would advise you do the freedom programme if you haven't, and make sure you've got good relationship boundaries on place.

You sound like you're not getting too swept away in the new relationship, but it's quite soon after an abusive relationship and while still being affected by the ex's controlling behaviour. (The risk is your boundaries aren't where they should be due to the ex, which makes you vulnerable to abuser mark II.) It can't do any harm to make sure you're in the best shape you can be emotionally.

Thanks for replies.
Yes I agree soulmate sounds ridiculous although, I generally do feel like we have a true connection.
All the signs that I informed with ex are now front of my mind to look out for and not once has my warning bell alarmed! But i do make sure that I won't be blinded to it again!
Yes ex is on birth certificate.
I hate the fact he can message me whenever he wants.
Up until 2 months ago he was stopping me from taking dd on holiday to visit her grandad! But now he's ' letting me '
I'm furious with him but also with myself for allowing him to get the better of me mentally. I never react to his BS!
He says if I do anything then he will drive and collect dd and keep her which is what frightens me.

You can't keep living like this. He has no right or say who is around your little one on your time. I would take it to court so everything is legal and it will be a massive relief to you trust me.

If he's threatened that by text or email, I do hope you've kept those. It sounds like you really need some more help and support getting fully away from your ex. Speak to women's aid and support services.

Well he can't take your child.
Please contact the police on 101.
Ask for the DV team and tell them everything you've told us.
He is breaking all kinds of laws right now with his threats and harassment and you do NOT have to tolerate it.
Do NOT worry about him and his kicking off.
Get the police involved.
Then call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can get you legal help.
You need this and you need it now.
You should be protecting yourself and your DC!
You absolutely cannot continue to live like this.
Pacify him is NOT working. You can clearly see that.
Time to get tough on his arse and stop listening to all his BS!
Although, you do actually need his permission to take DC out of the country without him.

Thanks for replies again!
I totally agree. I do need to man up now and not let him dictate to me.
I will call 101 and see what they say.
I've contacted womens aid several times but never really got anything out it. They was great but at the time I think he still a hold over me too much.
Court is the answer however is so costly
He lives so close to me which is annoying too.
Yes all texts have been kept. Although he is so milicious he'd lie and say something along the lines of ' I didn't send that ' 🙄

Well, texts'll have his number and the dates/times attached so he can lie all he likes, but it's not going to particularly convince a court or police.