My inlaws treat their older daughter and her husband like royalty

[Nindy21]

Usually when you ask for advice deep down you kind of know what you want to hear. In this case I'm torn between a matrix of decisions and mixed feelings.
So here's how it goes, my father in law has 2 daughters, I'm married to the younger daughter. He has an older daughter who is also married.

Now, I'm not going to go into extreme details just yet, but I feel the older daughter and son in law, despite doing nothing for her parents, other than use and abuse they come out as golden children. Whereas my and my wife bend over backwards for my in-laws and it's never appreciated.

The older daughter's husband is a mummy's boy and has even walked away from his wife, yet my inlaws are up his backside, as if he has something on them, whereas with my, I treat my wife and kids so well and I'm just treated as the average joe bloggs off the street.
I'm wasn't really bothered at first, but it seems like we always put our life on hold for my inlaws and get no appreciation, whereas the older one's farts and the in laws are willing to capture his gases and send them to the Hematology department in case he needs attention.

I am and have been married for almost 10 years and have no issues with my partner, we're happy and content but I get so annoyed when my in-laws shout for help and my spouse and at times myself too, always stepping up. I cannot and do not want to stop her but we've talked about it all and realise her sibling is taking everyone for a ride. We're not game players nor we are politically correct, the times we do raise an issue we get told we don't know we are talking about by her parents or they put on some sobby tears and come out with some awful story..
My in-laws have always let me down - in all the years they've been involved in my life, I cannot say when they've actually done anything positive for me, knowing I treat they daughter so well. Oh of course the older son in law is great, even though he's left their daughter on numerous occasions and is a very crafty man. He's eat, chew and spit you out for breakfast. They even know that but still he's king of their castleg...What do i do, keep helping them and being miserable myself? Let my wife be the doormat for her siblings?

I am not sure what advice I can give you but I hope it feels better to have got that off your chest.

My family are like this with my elder sister and her husband. You'd think they were royalty - anything they say or do gets repeated in hushed tones like it's come down from God.

I met someone at a dinner party who knows them professionally and he was also full of awe.

I can't understand it myself. They are truly horrible people.

Yes LARLAR, I feel better

Withdraw. Why do you bend over backwards for the In-laws? Why do you put your lives on hold? Carry on treating your dw and DC's well, and being happy. Just take a step backwards from the ILs

I had this too. I’ve no idea why people do it, it’s a case of ‘if your face fits’ I think. I split from their ‘dear’ son after years of abuse, but I’d given them a wide berth way before then.

As a PP said, continue to treat your wife and children well, and distance yourself from the outlaws.

Why people are like this I’ll never know

If you always do what someone asks they probably assume it’s not putting you out, so won’t be appreciated. Get on with your own lives - if you are not hanging about the ILs you won’t know how they treat everyone.
Family dynamics are quite fixed ime, my DSis is still treated like a bit of a nuisance, as the youngest, even though she is 57!

You sound great and supportive, so do more for yourself and your family. Learn the word no, and practice it over and over. Next time they ask, demand, expect, use it. It will feel fantastic, don’t let them use a guilt trip on you. You need to take a firm stand, otherwise they’ll continue to wipe their feet on you and your family.

I’ve been where you are, still am but it’s on my terms, the sun shines out of my sisters arse. I learned the word no, it took a while, but I have more respect for myself now.

My brother is the golden child. I’m the scapegoat. He can do nothing wrong. Say she talks about amazing the doctor she saw, she’ll say he was excellent and older, just like my brother. She’s regularly vile to me and blames me for my brother’s violence toward me, and let him be abusive with me as a child.

Is your wife permanently trying to win their approval? Basically she can’t. Stop dancing to your in laws tune. Take a step back and go lower contact with these people. They don’t properly appreciate your help. You’re a piece of furniture to them.

Thank you, for your kind responses. I'll try the No word.. it's just come to light that the golden family have asked the in laws to join them on vacation, which is great I think. The hidden agenda is that they want baby sitting, which again I think is fine. Though i sense the inlaws inlaws will probably ask whether we can house sit and take care of the mother in laws father whilst they head out to lap up the sun! I'll say NO even if they put the guilt trip on today...
Thank you again, wishing you all a pleasant day ahead.

Start saying no. Stop facilitating them. Go low contact. You aren’t getting anything other than grief out of all of this. If your wife wants to see them then fine but you are under no obligation to do anything. Maybe if you stop they may start appreciating anything you do for them. It sounds like they are infatuated with this man which is very weird. Let them get on with it. Next time they ask you to do something, be very clear (because you’ve got nothing to lose) say “why don’t you ask your other son in law. You are obviously very close to him so it really should be him helping you out”

Do not agree to look after the elderly relative just to satisfy their holiday plans. You are busy. You are going away. You have other plans and can’t commit the time. If the other son in law wants the in laws to come on holiday then tell them it really should be down to him to organise care for the relative while they are away. Say “we haven’t been invited and aren’t included in any of these holiday plans. I don’t feel comfortable being made responsible for something we’ve had no inclusion in so we will have to say no. This is the other son in laws plan. It’s really down to him to organise any care requirements” be firm and consistent. Whatever they chuck at you do the “grey rock” technique. “I’m sorry. That doesn’t work for us. It’s a no from us” then repeat repeat repeat repeat. Regardless of any emo drama they throw. Same response over and over.

Frail elderly relatives are v difficult to turn your back on without you looking selfish and you having your guilt strings yanked. I would make a plan for the time they are away so you don’t end up landed with too much and so you are ready, when the request comes, with an answer that suits you. Try to be more independent of them, DW needs to be less embroiled in who is going where and with whom. Make your own separate lives.

Thanks, it's almost as if me and my wife were born with these emotional strings which we need to cut. I agree we need to step back, I just cannot get over the fact how a parent would treat one daughters husband like a piece of dirt and the other like royalty. I have 2 daughters of my own I could never treat them differently let alone their partners, unless they of course are anything like my wife's older bro in law. I'm really upset with them and wish I could cut ties. Not take a step back but tell them to find a 6 storey building and take a jump. I have given up so much of my life for them, I think I've decided, I'm stepping away for good. My wife can do all she wants for them. I shouldn't be made to feel so miserable because of them. Thanks again!

Does it upset your wife as much?

Right now book a long weekend away.. in the middle of the proposed holiday.......

You can then say you have planes so won't be able to help... with parent sitting.... it so much easier when your not lying to stick to your guns....

I think I would book a holiday at the same time so you cannot be called on to do them favours. Try saying no a few times but I agree it does sound as if they favour the older daughter and her husband. What does your wife say as they are her parents? Is this a role she has fallen into since childhood, the lesser favoured child? No need to cut them out, just perhaps not be so available in the future. Enjoy your own family and then you wont be left feeling taken for granted.

I think I would book a holiday at the same time so you cannot be called on to do them favours.

I disagree. You don't need to create or invent excuses. Just say no. Don't explain, that gives them something to argue or negotiate about. Just say no.

You book the weekend away so you have a genuine reason not to cave in and be the used child.....
Other wise they will guilt you into it... you know they will... and once you see you know you can say no as you have done so once ....

Have a think about DMIL's'/DFIL's childhoods, what was their relationship with their DPs, was there a golden child in the family? What siblings do they have and how do they get on with them. You will probably find there is some sort of pattern being repeated with their DCs.