RELATE - AS IN MARRIAGE GUIDANCE

[kkgirl]

Our marriage and family life has reached crisis point.

After a very bad weekend, fighting and crying we have had lots of talks about whether to stay together or split up. Basically we love each other and care about each other, but the children although we love them are driving us apart. We have no time to ourselves, no one to support us and are together 24/7.

We have agreed to go to Relate to see if we can get some help.
I have just phoned and we should get an appointment within 4 weeks.

Now I have taken the step, I am worried whether it will help, or be a waste of time and effort?

I don't think it's ever a waste of time. Even if you don't end up together as a result of it, most people say that the counselling helped them understand the other person better so that when they did eventually split, it was not as bitter and damaging as it would have been had they not been to Relate.

Sorry, that sounds negative, as if the expectation is that you will inevitably split. It has also been known to help couples see the wood for the trees, so that they focussed on what was really important to them and helped them come through some really difficult patches. The very fact that both of you are going and are doing something so proactive to save your relationship, means that the odds are in your favour.

Mb and Vict 17

Thanks for your messages. At least after years of non communication, we have opened the door and made the effort to talk about things.

I will look into the Homestart website, but I have a feeling it is for people with young children ie preschool. Ours are 10 and 2 X 8 year olds

much sympathy kkgirl- but at least you are taking a step in the right direction, and I'm sure it will help.
Has anyting happened to reach crisis point, and how long has the problem been going on? (if you don't mind me asking?)

Unicorn

There are a lot of issues which have built up really over the last 8 years, e.g. my dh had to go to portsmouth to get promotion when the twins were born, so I stayed at home with them and my ds who was 2 1/2. My dh came home at weekends, which caused stress, as I had my own routine and then him to deal with as well. He hated the job, and I didn't know at the time was so unhappy that he used to stand by the sea and think about throwing himself in.

Once he came back after 6 months (not long but it felt like forever) we moved house, and then I started to do evening jobs to keep the money coming in. This meant that two or three evenings we passed each other in the hall, this didn't help and I guess we have drifted apart. His mum died 5 years ago and his dad last year. He didn't openly grieve for either of them, but I think he has been depressed himself, but won't go to doctor, drinks a bit to kill the pain.

Our children cause stress as well, which we both find hard to deal with, the usual stuff, bickering, fighting and it just got on top of me over the weekend and we were arguing and I was crying and we were both threatening to leave. We talked and talked and he is really worried about me because I was really crazy yesterday, saying that I didn't want to go on etc.

Its hard to explain, but I feel that if we just had some time together, we can get a babysitting if we want, but I think we need more than that and more regularly

Sorry to drone on, feel that people out there have real problems. I can't really complain, I have a lot to be grateful for.

i do really feel for you... we have had similar problems, and yes it really would help to try and get away for a bit without the kids (easier said than done I know)
I imagine you don't have much support (one of the main reasons for so much stress I think)but have you any pals you could leave your kids with for a weekend? They seem old enough now, and it's time you started looking after yourselves.
as you say you still love each other, I just think you have been through an enormous amount of pressure, and need some time to try and relax and enjoy each other's company again....
Relationships often get hammered when children come along- (these are the things they don't tell you!)it's time for you both to look after each other.

kkgirsl, I'm so sorry to hear you're having trouble. Haven't got much time right now, but I just wanted to say that I'm going through a rough time in my marriage too, and we are finding Relate very helpful. The sessions are sometimes very intense, and it can be hard to wlak out and just go home and try to carry on as normal after some of the things that are said in the room, but it is helping us to communicate, and I think that if you do both want to work it out, then Relate is a good move. Will post more later.

Thanks Lulupop

We do both want to be together, and are prepared to try anything to make our day to day life better, it has been hell recently.

Tonight, DH has been really trying hard to stay calm with the children, I think that he has realised how fragile I am, I feel very emotional, crying a lot etc. which is not me, I am usually very strong and level headed, and is worried that I am going under.

Thanks for your advice, it sounds funny, but it is good to know that other people can understand how you feel, and relate to it, because sometimes you feel like it is just you, and it makes me feel like I am going mad.

Take care

Dp and I have also just started counselling (not Relate as it was too far and would have taken too long to wait for an appointment, so we are seeing someone through the Salvation Army), and we both find it helpful. He was very anti at first, and is now recommending it to his friends! It is not a magic wand, and I think the real work on the relationship is what you do between sessions, but it opens things up and can help you learn to listen less defensively. Our counselling is also very practical - ie looking for things we can do to make things better in lots of small ways.

Good luck.