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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what i want to hear...

4 replies

needtooffload · 07/05/2018 16:40

Obvs a name change as i would not want anyone to stumble across this!

Firstly, my DH is a wonderful chap in many ways, and i am fully aware that nobody - including me - is perfect and we all have flaws.

But i am not happy.

He is so apathetic about everything. I have to make every single decision. Literally everything. I have to remember everything. Organise everything. Do all the household tasks (or tell him to). As soon as i say "x needs doing" he will do it without complaining - but i am so tired of having to be the one to think of everything.

He will wear socks with huge holes until i tell him to throw them away.

A vehicle sat and rusted away because it was HIS and i refused to get involved with it - it got parked up for 3 years and never touched and eventually had to be scrapped (which needless to say i had to arrange).

He has a very expensive hobby (not cycling!) which he has not partaken in for a few years - and the very very valuable item is sitting untouched and despite me suggesting it needs checking, has not been. And all the effort it involves is walking 50m.

He is monumentally lazy - would literally sit and do NOTHING.

If i get up to do x he will then get up and trail after me - or even offer to do it - but i just want him to do something himself.

He is very overweight and making zero effort to lose - despite not being able to participate in said expensive hobby due to his weight. And due to this, there is a lot of capital tied up and potentially just rotting away!). I'm also very overweight, but am losing weight (7 stone so far).

We have no sex life at all. Maybe have sex every 6 months and always at my initiation. He has no sex drive. Or rather i suspect he just can't be arsed.

I have reached a point where just being in the same room irritates me, but i feel guilty about it as he is a good man - he is very honest, kind, trustworthy etc, and i know he loves me.

I've explained calmly and rationally, i've been upset, i've cried, i've been angry, i've said i cannot and will not spend the rest of my life like this.... he gets it. He apologises and promises to try harder. But within days (if not hours) it's back to normal.

Our current situation means now would be the worst time to sell our house and split, but i sort of feel i've already mentally moved on and checked out of the marriage.

I don't even get upset any more which i don't think is a good thing.

I sort of feel in the next few years it'll all be fine as we can sell the house and i'll be able to walk away. But i don't want to. I do love him, but i can't respect or show affection to him as i just feel so angry and resentful all the time at his abject laziness.

I hate that i feel i am constantly being short or snippy with him and that makes me unhappy.

I just got back from a few days away - i had a wonderful time and just felt irritated the moment i saw him - not happy Sad

We have a long weekend away in a few weeks and already i'm feeling annoyed about the fact he will take no part in planning, trail around after me, and then complain about the noise if we go out for evening drinks as he'd rather sit in the hotel playing on his ipad.

I don't know what advice or response i'm looking for, i just need to offload. I know it's over really as clearly he is not going to change.

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/05/2018 16:56
  1. 7 stone?! That's awesome.
  2. Was he like this when you met him?
Bearfam · 07/05/2018 17:25

Amazing job on the weight loss! Especially if things are difficult with your DH. I'm trying to lose weight and as soon as I have a bad day I want all the calories! I'm not sure I can advise myself but wanted to comment as just yesterday I listened to a podcast on emotional labour. If you're not familiar with the term (I'm not sure how common it is?) it is all the stuff you describe, the planning, sorting out and general running a home. The podcast is called Dear Sugars, episode is from May 5th 2018. Hope it helps.

Joysmum · 07/05/2018 21:20

My mother said she knew her marriage was over when she stopped getting upset or angry.

STOPSHOUTINGPLS · 07/05/2018 21:48

He has a very expensive hobby (not cycling!) which he has not partaken in for a few years - and the very very valuable item is sitting untouched and despite me suggesting it needs checking, has not been. And all the effort it involves is walking 50m.

Fascinated by what this object is. Is it a polo pony? Grin
misses point of thread

Congratulation on your weight loss OP that's very impressive

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