When you just feel like leaving

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

Been married 8 years, 2 kids. He’s Korean, I’m British, we live in Korea.

From day one, we’ve had issues with him not being very proactive - happy to go along with my plans, follow my house cleaning schedule, financial plan etc, not so good at ever ever EVER implementing or suggesting anything.

He also keeps his emotions and worries and thoughts inside 99% of the time - I used to think he was just a very happy go lucky person (and he is mostly) but recently found out he’s been worried about work stuff but didn’t tell me - he may have to take a pay cut. He didn’t tell me and if he had, I could have taken on more hours and given up an expensive hobby. He didn’t so now we will have way less money if he does end up getting his pay cut.

He is, in most ways, a great partner. He takes care of the kids, does everything around the house, deals with all the bank/immigration/bills etc, takes time off work when needed etc.

But he is sooo wishy washy sometimes and sooo shit at talking about anything that matters.

I miss the UK so much and today I just feel like taking the kids and leaving.

I’m sorry you’re going through all this right now. It sounds incredibly stressful.

If talking hasn’t worked but you think he has a desire to help then I guess it needs a workaround. I know this sounds ridiculous but have you considered a chart of jobs for him to regularly do? If you assign dog brushing, sheet changing, bathroom cleaning etc to him and stick the chart on the wall will he stick with it? I know you shouldn’t have to tell him what to do at all and this is more immediate work for you, but if you can find a way to work with his weaknesses it might help in the long run. Once it’s all written down you shouldn’t have to mention it ever again. You will still have responsibility for all the other stuff, birthdays etc, but the more regular tasks you can delegate to him the more headspace that will leave for you to do that. It should also give him a very clear idea of how much you do.

Can you get full access to financial information? The pay cut hasn’t happened yet as far as I can tell. Is it very likely or just a possibility?

Sorry I can’t help more. Hopefully someone with more useful info will be along soon.

iwas I have thought about it, but I suppose I just resent it at this point. I might have to bite the bullet and do it though.

The pay cut is not certain yet, but at the very least, there will be no pay rise this year. In all honesty, I don't really care that much about the money side of it, it's more just the never knowing what our financial situation will be. I have asked a million times for us to sit down and get all our finances in order but it just never seems to actually happen. And I am tired of being the one to push for things like that.

I just don't get it. I don't get how he can go from a job where he has a lot of control and responsibility and do really well every day, but when it comes to home stuff, it's just like he takes no notice. I work hard too, I work in a high school and I'm preparing kids for their university entrance exams. If they do well, I get a big bonus so I am under a lot of pressure too, plus I am doing a Korean exam this month, which, if I pass, I can apply for residency (which means no more annoying trips to the immigration office as I have to do now on the spouse visa).

But even with all this, he doesn't seem to think he should have to do more/think more.

PS don't say sorry, you have made me think a lot.