My mums an alcoholic, at wits end

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Me and my brother are at a complete loss how to handle it
She’s slowly got worse over the last 2 years since our dad left, its got to the point where we don’t want to come and see her anymore. I hardly recognise her as my mum now, its affecting how she looks physically and she’s a mess pretty much every time I see her
We love her dearly, we’ve tried having “the chat” she knows how we feel. She’s promised to get help and never does
Is there anything we can do?
Want to be there if we can but she doesn’t listen

I would try al anon for you and your brother. She needs to reach her own rock bottom and losing you might be what it takes or she may need to go further before she is prepared to take action. She has to decide to get help and will only do so when life is too horrid to continue as she is.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help her; she does not want your help or support. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective really as peeing in the sea. Her primary relationship is with drink and her next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

There are no guarantees here; she could well go onto lose everything and everyone around her and she could still choose to drink afterwards.

As suneseasand wrote you brother and you do need to contact Al-anon and they could help you both. Its not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her this way.

I think if she lost everyone she would continue to drink and possibly do something silly. She would feel life was not worth living if she lost us which is why we haven’t stopped coming over even though it’s so difficult
Thank you for your advice

She will continue to drink no matter what you do - whether you stay in her life or go. Choose what is right for you. Choose what you can live with. Your responsibility is to yourself and your life. You cannot fix her, you cannot help her. It may destroy her. Don't let it destroy you.

Thanks stargirl always felt guilty if she ever did anything but actually we are both so fed up now. Nothing we say or do has any effect

You have my sympathies as I know exactly how you feel. This is going to sound awful but nothing you say or do will make a difference. Your mum has to want to stop. You need to look after yourselves hard as it is.

Unfortunately theres not a lot you can do. Someone in my family was an alcoholic. Lost their children and were sectioned because of it and still never stopped. Died in their early 50s because of it. It is exhausting and when it's bad it is toxic to be around.

It might be helpful getting some support for you and your brother and then both deciding how involved you want to be.

When it gets near the end it is horrendous.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm dealing with this with an alcoholic family member. I have been advised there is really nothing I can do. All I can do is protect myself and my children from the damage this person causes.

It’s awful isn’t it she used to be so bubbly and gorgeous, had so much going for her. Seeing her like this breaks my heart

Yes. My family member was kind. Beautiful. Funny. But in the throes of it was angry, abusive, a fantasist and could think up a billion reasons why they needed to drink.

It was a constant worry as they lived alone so we forever worried about the next phonecall. Everytime we saw an ambulance close by our hearts sank. They become very very vulnerable. Ours was being taken advantage of by local youths and there was nothinf we could do as the alcoholic was participating willingly.

The care side was awful. We were fortunate enough to be able to have carers which brought some comfort but we were the ones that had to clean. Shop. Literally clean up shit constantly as that was a side affect of the drinking in the end. It is destructive and all i can suggest is keeping your distance if you can.

If you want help their may be local charities that can visit your dm at home but she would have to be a willing participant. We had great support from a local charity called lifeline who gave great one to one support free of charge and even managed to detox them a couple of timew but sadly it never lasted.

Thanks DBoo
Sorry that you’ve had to go through this too

I think you and your brother need to focus on getting help for yourselves first so that you can come to terms, learn to love with detachment and learn to support without enabling. I go to a support group locally run along Al-Anon lines and it's been a lifeline - my STBXH is an alcoholic and my mother has spiralled into alcohol dependency since my father developed Parkinson's and dementia and died in 2016. It's hard to watch people you love throw their lives away, but in that position you can only take care of yourself - so you can be there and ready if they hit that moment when they are ready for recovery.

Aw gosh my mums an alcoholic and lost us all through it, all struggled but she hurt us all so badly and individually that one by one we had to get her out of our lives. I've needed counselling to mourn my mum and the future I thought we would have together. Terribly sad and thankfully now I am over it. I think she might die soon (hitting 55, drink very heavily for around 20 years) i don't think I'll be their for her death as I feel I have had to deal with it already. I miss her terribly but I have honestly tried everything, we all have tried but she's unfortunately beyond help x

Sadly, your story is probably how ours is going to go notmypropername thanks for sharing.. I suppose it’s encouraging that you’ve learnt to deal with it and move on, however heartbreaking
Thank you pointy I’ll look into getting us some support

The alcoholic for me was my brother. I finally (with advice from a counselor) had to tell him 'no more'. I told him I would not speak to him if he had been drinking, he would not be allowed in my home nor would I be anywhere he was if he had been drinking, I would no longer come to his rescue, take him to detox, spend nights with him to keep him from drinking. One night he left me 32 drunken 'help me' voice messages in a one hour period! I finally had to block his number. Was I afraid he would 'do something'? Yes, of course I was. But I also realized (with a counselor's help) that if he did, it was his decision to do so and that I was not responsible in any way. It nearly killed me to cut him off and stop enabling him.

He hit rock bottom, called the police on himself for suicidal thoughts, and spent time in a psych facility getting sober and getting the help he so needed. Help that I was not qualified to give him. He's been sober 3 years.

I think you should go to Al Anon. And see a counselor yourself. It sounds as if you are nearing the point of no return yourself and may have to tell your mother that you are done 'rescuing' and enabling her.

Thanks Acrossthepond - this is what always worries us, if we stop seeing her or talking to her she will do something silly and then we will have to live with the guilt.
Amazing that your brother has been sober 3 years, positive to hear a good outcome

An alcoholic won't give you the same consideration as you and your db are giving your dm.

Their brains are wired very differently.

An alcoholic is too selfish for whatever reason to be able to act on the devastating impact their behaviour and actions are having on others.

It is so sad that you and your db are so emotionally invested in her happiness and mental welfare when your dm really doesn't care enough about yours to want to change.

There are plenty of alcoholics who make the colossal effort to change and choose not to drink.

So because your dm does not make that effort for you or your db the best thing you can do is be there for each other, preserve your own mental health, grieve for the dm you HAD and try not to feel guilt about her choice.

Do not allow her selfishness/illness to define or ruin your lives. The best thing you can do is enjoy your lives as best you can and do not allow your dm's life to ruin and bring down yours and your db's. As I am sure she wouldn't want that happen.

Wash your hands op of her if you can and do things in life that gives you hope and things to look forward to so emotional detachment, however difficult, is the only way to salvage anything good from this tragic situation.

.....then we will have to live with the guilt.

But that's the thing. You don't need to feel guilty. She would have made that decision of her own free will. It was difficult for me to see it with my brother. But in the end I realized that he was making the decision to drink, which might have led to the decision to do himself harm. His decision. Not mine.

I know it's very hard to understand that, let alone accept it. But you eventually have to. She is not entitled to ruin your life simply because she chooses to ruin her own. She feeds off of your 'rescuing'. It reinforces to her that she shouldn't be held responsible for her drinking and that others (i.e. you) need to be responsible for her well-being. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The lives of addict and enabler (because that is what you are, and I was) are very deeply entwined. The addict starts the entwining, but we eagerly continue it. Most of us have the mindset that if we just try enable hard enough, we'll 'get through' and they'll 'see the light'. But they don't really want to. Why should they? Alcohol numbs them and it also gets them the attention they crave. So we need to start the 'un-entwining' by refusing to give them the attention. Then they're left with the alcohol alone. It's up to them what they do next.

Give her the phone number of her local AA and a schedule of meetings. Then tell her you are backing away until she gets help.

You need to sit down with your brother and get him 'on side'. I think it would help you both to see a counselor who specialized in substance abuse.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and six years sober. I have been where you are. Al anon were fab even though I only spoke to them. Couple of times. There helped me understand a couple if things which helped me cope better
1 it’s not their ‘fault’. It’s a terrible illness

1. You can’t do anything until they are ready

3: don’t enable it by pretending they don’t have a problem or covering up for them but ALWAYS be kind.

Good luck to you all

Thanks so much for all your comments, they’ve been so helpful

My mother became an alcoholic after her brother died.For 12 months it was hell on Earth.Drink didn't help her and only made her sad and miserable .
After fits she was admitted to hospital and I got a phone call telling me my 70 year old mum was being restrained by 4 nurses .I got to the hospital and when she saw me she gave me a big hug and calmed down .I got her to sit on the bed and asked the doctor if he had given her a sedative;he said her had and as a looked over Irealised she was falling asleep.Next day we visited expecting her to kick off but instead she said how lovely the staff were and was quite calm.
Speaking to the doctor ,I asked him ;how come she had changed ?He explained the day before the physical addiction from alcohol was causing her aggression and now that part had been overcome she could use her willpower to resist the temptation.She did ,and never touched another drop for the last12years of her life.She always said you have to give up yourself
A year after she died ,my cousin told me she had explained to give up drink because it was killing me - her son .All my pleading ,finding hidden vodka bottles and talking were not in vain ,though I had thought so at the time.She knew how upset I was and finally found the strength to give up drinking.
For myself ,I treasure those last 12 years and think that for some people alcohol is the work of Satan -it doesn't make them happy(she used to cry when drunk) but they keep going back for more.What can be more evil than that
When I look back I forget my mother the alcoholic and only remember my lovely mum.I was lucky to get mine back I really hope you get yours back.

My mum (was?) is an alcoholic. She hasn’t drunk for about 16 years now.

Nothing at all could make her stop. It wasn’t until she hit rock bottom that she finally got help.

Those years were tough for us as children. Really tough. I felt guilty for a long time. But now I’ve made my peace as it wasn’t my fault.

It isn’t your fault and you cannot change her.

I am an alcoholic, sober now more than 2 years and I agree completely. I was lucky, I got off the elevator before I hit the bottom. But the change had to come from me. There is LOADS of help out there, AA being the big organisation which has helped many thousands of people to get and stay sober. But she has to want it.

distance yourself, you cant help her.