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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you know whether to end it?

8 replies

StuckLikeGlue · 07/05/2018 13:39

Without having to explain my entire relationship which is just so full of issues, does anyone have any questions that you can ask yourself to work out whether it’s worth holding onto or not?

Basic details are - married, pregnant, one 3 year old. Been together forever. We are very very different people and we clash all the time. We both love our child more than anything in the world but she’s old enough now to recognize when we’re arguing and I’m worried it’s going to start upsetting her and I know things will get harder when I have the baby.

I’m just so so sad, I know that really we should’ve broken up a long long time ago but now we’re stuck and neither of us wants a divorce but things aren’t getting any better even though we are both trying. We’re just so different, we did personality tests online a while ago and it confirmed we are complete opposites. (For anyone that knows this stuff I am an INFP and he is a ESTJ).

How do you know if you should carry on or end it before it gets even more complicated and you’ve wasted more of you life being unhappy?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2018 13:49

What is there really to hold onto here in your relationship?. If its all over bar the shouting it really is over. You cannot get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy because that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Why did you both decide to bring a second child into this relationship given that this relationship is not working for either of you. Children as well should not be used as the glue to bind you both together and are no reason to stay together. Is this really the model that you want to teach your children about relationships?.

If you feel that you should have broken up a long time ago then you should stand by the weight of your convictions here and start divorce proceedings. Who are you really staying for; it could be argued that you are staying for your own reasons because you are both afraid of change.

Mumontherocks1 · 07/05/2018 13:57

This might sound extreme but ask yourself if you could look after him if he became paralysed or had a lifelong illness.

Someone told me once that they had been in a long term relationship where he had had doubts. He thought about leaving a lot but couldn't bare to hurt his partner.

His partner had a catastrophic accident and he became her full time carer. He told me that the accident made him realise that he hadnt loved her and should have left when he had the chance.

I know it's an extreme cases but it made me realise I didn't love my partner enough to care for him and the doubts that I had were very real.

I'm now in a loving relationship and have no doubt that I love him enough to care for him.

You can still be a family without living together. Everything seems insurmountable to you but marriages end every day and people do leave unhappy relationships and go on to be happy.

Mooey89 · 07/05/2018 14:22

Honestly, I think if you’re thinking of leaving, it’s a sign that you need to.
If there are small blips over time that are outweighed by your desire to stay together because you love/respect and are friends, that’s different.

If the negatives outweigh the positives, there’s no point.

kikashi · 07/05/2018 15:38

This book used to get mentioned on MN a lot:
www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay-ebook/dp/B002RI937Y?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Not read it myself. How are you working on the relationship? You need to stop arguing and your DC being affected by it. Could you afford some relationship counselling to either decide and get a plan together of how to try to save things or talk through an amicable separation.

MsAtomicBomb · 07/05/2018 15:52

Could have written this myself OP. Been with OH for almost ten years now. Two small children. We’re very different people and probably should never have got together in the first place tbh but here we are.

Sometimes things are good and sometimes they are not. Will things get better once the children are older or would we all be happier if we separated now? I don’t know how I would even go about leaving.

Reading others’ replies with interest. Hope you figure out what to do in the end OP.

StuckLikeGlue · 07/05/2018 16:42

Thank you everyone. You've given me a lot to think about, its very helpful.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 07/05/2018 16:58

Think of relationships of any description, be they platonic, romantic, even professional, as a mutual connection that should bring you joy, inspire and uplift you and make you feel good about yourself. By that I'm not saying the person is responsible for your happiness, but by them being who they are, it should flow and 'hangs together' effortlessly, while you are both investing in that relationship.

If you find yourself constantly wound up, feeling downtrodden or ill at ease in that person's presence, then take that as the indicator that you need to extract yourself and go in pursuit of relationships that fulfil your, and their, mutual needs simultaneously.

Couple of examples (remember, all relationships should operate to the above same principles) :-

I had a truly dire relationship with the manager I was working for, some time back. Everything about it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I lost confidence in myself and they chipped away at my spirit. Yet to another person in their team they were wonderful, encouraging and supportive. The chemistry was wrong. I went on to a new job and I'm riding on the crest of a wave, because the person wants me in their crew and likes what I do (my confidence is self-perpetuating due to their confidence in me).

I had to walk away from a friendship because, although it was promising to begin with, I realised over time that the person did not "have my back", they didn't have my best interests at heart. The day I extracted myself from that relationship I felt the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt empowered and in control of my life, because I made the choice that was right for me and my happiness.

It is no different in a romantic relationship. If you're with someone who you are constantly in conflict with or where it's a rollercoaster of good one day bad the next, it becomes exhausting and wears you down. If you feel better apart than you do together, that's a big red flag you need to take seriously.

Justtickingboxes · 07/05/2018 17:03

The rule is: if they bring out the best in you, then they are best for you. Having said that, relationships ebb and flow - so you might simply be going through a low patch. Was there ever a time you were happy together? How did you end up together in the first place?

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