My mother will not ALLOW me to be hurt (by her)

[loveWhodunnits]

How can I smooth this over without colluding with her script?

We're not really speaking at the moment, this is because she did something really hurtful. I was hurt and I let her know. She ignored me for a month then came back in a text to defend herself and tell her she was angry with me for not being happy for her. I said, well I'm not apologising for being hurt. If you're angry with me for being hurt that takes the biscuit.

In the past i've always been the one to smooth things over. I go in with ''look I really appreciate all you do for me'' but this time I'm thinking, the only emotion or reaction I'm allowed to feel is gratitude.

I don't want to go NC with her! I just want to be allowed to have a reaction, allowed to have an emotional response and I don't want to have to apologise for that.

There is a back story but she doesn't know the back story if you see what I mean. My entire childhood she got mad at me if I expressed a need or tried to stand up for myself (occasionally). Her memory of me is of an awkward disobedient child. She sees herself as having been a perfect parent. I ended up in an abusive relationship. I left it with parents' help but now I feel so sick of the fake relationship we have. I was saying to my daughter that my mother has no curiosity to find out how people really feel. She tells them. My dd said she does it to her too!

OP I have experienced this too.

As a child, used to get scolded for saying how it felt. Told "you don't feel that!", " you don't think that", and (even more bizarrely!) "you don't remember that".

Decades later I am still trying to learn to trust my own emotions.

I also haven't posted on the Stately Homes thread as have thought "it wasn't that bad".

But actually...it was.

Have the same challenge as you, think she couldn't tolerate a discussion about this, so it's so hard to know how to relate.

Oh yes ilike Also "you must feel cold, it's cold outside , you MUST wear a coat," or vice versa of course. I used to just take a coat with me for the child who was only trying to show that she had her own feelings (even if illogical!) it's part of development LIKE FUSSY EATING!!!!.

Some parents take it personally it's not!!! I reckon being forced to eat anything NO MATTER HOW HEALTHY is emotionally abusive. Sorry for the rant I'll stop, but these things create difficulties for the rest of some people's lives

Op I relate to a lot of this.

I go over and over the hurt caused by her. I last confronted her with something I specifically begged her not to do which she did. She said she didn't realise she'd done anything wrong, that I was oversensitive, repeatedly that she didn't know what to say, and that she would not be spoken badly.

My parents are also a team enabling each others behaviour. It does feel like emotional abuse so I went light contact. It's very hard that I know they will never change because even after I say what hurts me they refuse to recognise it.

The scary part is it's only me who sees this side and so I still dwell on it. There is obviously lots more involved. I could write a book.

I worry that I do this to my own DC - my DM was emphatically Not At Home to negative emotions in her children and we got screamed at if we showed any. I have a tendency to get frustrated and shout "But what can I do about it, DS?!" when they continue crying/moaning beyond my sympathy quota (admittedly quite small).

Ugh. This thread is a timely reminder; thank you op. Patterns are a bitch.

LaContessaDiPlump

I think there's a difference with children having a tantrum and having a go at them or getting fed up with whinging. I think it's different if you are gaslighting and it runs deeper.

If your ds came to speak to you about something that really hurt him you did I'm sure you would listen? Not pretend you're the victim/it didn't happen/he's being contrary?

I also experienced something very like this from my mother. I was in an abusive relationship and, although she was helpful in helping me leave, she has not understood how I came to be in it, despite my laying it all out for her. Things that happened, apparently didn't happen. She honestly believes she was a good parent, & that I "just have to learn to forgive" any hurt she caused me. I have forgiven her, but that doesn't remove the damage she caused me. We're very low contact now, despite living only a few miles distant.

Thanks polka: I do try to. I think the worst aftereffect of my childhood is the fact that I'm not quite sure how to be a parent, except for the absolute certainty that the examples I've seen in the past are shit. Every moment is spent consciously trying to make good choices and not be a dick, because I know that would be my default. It's exhausting. I rarely have an idle conversation with my DC because I'm constantly scanning ahead to check for dickishness. I sometimes wish I could just relax.

Sorry op, that's a whole other thread! Please don't apologise to your DM or backtrack; you are doing very well resisting the emotional pressure.

You put it so well, which show such insight into the situation.

Agatha Christie must have met someone very similar in her life, as she has a perfectly drawn character in a book ‘an appointment with death’ that I’ve just been listening to (audiobook)!

The way the awful mother character, Mrs Boynton controls her grown up children ‘Oh no, we’d never want to do that, would we Nadine?’, she has her telling the children exactly what they feel and when they protest she faces them down until they give in. Agatha captures it all perfectly!

Unsurprisingly, the odious Mrs Boyton is the one who gets murdered :)

orders An Appointment with Death off Amazon

Such an interesting thread. I've never heard/seen anyone else describe the relationship as a fake one. It's a very good way to describe my relationship with DM tho.

She had a terrible childhood so I can see where it stems from. However, she's like an emotional vampire and feeds off us "needing" her.

I've been doing grey rock for years which she hates but works well for me. We can rub along fine as long as I don't actually disclose anything of significance. Thankfully siblings can see it all for what it is so we still have a good relationship.

la Contessa Bloody good for checking yourself You'll be very glad you did. That saying "Do to others what you would want them to do to you" Is a good motto to keep repeating in your head.

I don't agree that having a go at small children for tatrumming is ok. Especilly if the tantrum is because they've been told off for not putting on a coast or too slow or whatever The child is upset about something. it is a stage in their development too. I don't suggest just ignore it. (though that's better than scream at them). I tend to think it's usually because they are tired or hungry and or thirsty and pick them up or give 'em something to eat and or drink!

There are some good books on child development to help you too, How to Talk so Children Listen and Listen So Children Talk etc.

I could have written this. It's so incredibly hard. I've been battling the fact that my mother is the author to my life, and that I've not been allowed any of my own emotions or opinions. Her reality is the only way. My current solution is to keep her at arms length and no give her ammunition/information. I have found better support and understanding from friends and stopped expecting anything from my mum. Good luck!