advice how to move forwards with low contact / narcissistic parent

[statelyhomesworry]

Hi all, first time poster. I will try to keep this as short as possible am looking for some advice.

When i reached the age of 29 I went for counselling as I was headed towards full blown anxiety and depression and through 4 years of counselling i realised my mother is a narcissist and has never ever treated me well. It was a huge shock to me that I didn't have the childhood I had hoped that I had but it was like a million light bulbs going off when I realised.

My dilemma is this, I have emotionally 'checked out' of my relationship with her and I make every effort to ensure she can no longer hurt me but I feel that going No Contact would actually cause huge issues and make more trouble than going Low Contact. I have her in a separate phone which i only turn on occasionally and in all senses she cannot hurt me any more.

She lives over 300 miles away, last time we went it was AWFUL. I am no longer the same person that I used to be around her but when I am in her company I feel like a shell of myself, I get tongue tied and allow myself to be treated like utter shit. We have now not been to see her for over a year and I have managed to keep communication to a minimum that I control however the comments are now starting about 'when are you coming to see me / I cant travel I am too old (she has never visited and she is only 68 and healthy) / I haven't seen grandchild in ages / your sister makes the effort / we could get a house together half way (over my dead body)

What should I do? I really hate the thought of going to see her any more but to not go will provoke a shit storm and I will lose contact with aunts / uncles and my sister (they are all firmly on her side)

Until now I have vaguely said things like husband has lots of work on / we are not well / we don't have the money etc but I am running out of ideas.

Thanks for reading this far, I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine!

I think the way you are currently dealing with it is the only way. You don't want to increase contact with her, but on the other hand it would be counter productive to come clean. It would cause a massive family row with everybody getting drawn in. It's lucky you live 100 miles away! Just say sorry, you are too busy/working/DH can't get holiday/ etc. Good luck

Keep going as you have done; you have boundaries which seem to be working for you and are importantly being maintained. You do not see her at all now and I would get rid off the phone which has her number on it as well.

People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles, yours is scapegoat and your sister is likely to be the golden child. That is also a role not without price though your sister is unaware of that.

Is the whole idea of these family members preventing you from having no contact whatsoever. What can these people realistically do other than shout - nothing and tbh if they did that I would not speak to them either. They cannot make you see her. If these family members aka the flying monkeys side with your mother then they are really not worth knowing either. They have never been at all interested in hearing your side of things have they, I would leave them all to it. You really do not need such people in your life, such flying monkeys are easily manipulated and are only acting in their own self interest here.

FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt. I would deal with that further through seeing a therapist.

I would read the Out of the Fog and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers websites as these may help you further as well.

If you do go and visit, don't stay with her. Stay in a hotel so that if (when) she starts with any of her nastiness you can get up and leave.

Read CaptainAwkward.com on how to shut down toxic conversations. It's a very good blog.

You could suggest meeting halfway. That limits the time spent together, and no overnights!

Singlenotsingle - I do agree with you, it will cause more trouble than its worth.

Attilathemeerkat - my youngest brother is the golden child, I HAVE cut him out completely and so far this is working, my sister just tells me i should have grown up and that Mum is an old lady now etc etc she is also younger than me so has been shielded from a lot of what I went through. She maintains we BOTH had very happy childhoods and when I point out bad stuff she says ok but that was 25 years ago its in the past. I wish I was able to deal with it the way she seems to have done. I have thought about just cutting contact and letting the flying monkeys do their worst.. In reality there is little they can do but there will always be the next 'family' thing etc. It would be hard to shut out effectively 9-11 people all at once which wold be all of my mother side of the family including some of my child's cousins. Thank you for recommending the reading material.

Ontherise - thank you, I have considered that and its definitely an option (other than the huge row i will get for not staying with her), my issue is that I don't seem to know when I am treated badly and being in her company at all just shuts me down mentally, I feel so unwell around her. It was the same when she once visited (v briefly) i was a mess even in the stronghold of my own home / safe sanctuary.

Lots to think about thank you for your contributions!

I'd go no contact. Your family are her flying monkeys, so no contact with them too.

Put yourself first.

Any particular captainawkward blogs you would recommend ontherise?

picklemepopcorn - thanks for the idea but its over 300 miles and the little one doesn't travel well so its not really feasible unless we do an overnight and she would refuse with 'don't be silly come and stay with me / i cant drive all that way / its more comfortable when you can just make your own tea' etc etc. She needs to feel in control so she stays at home.

I think going NC scares me if I'm honest it means no more contact with a lot of people and no more attendance at family gatherings and it would be for a long time as I said she is only 68 and in good health! It also feels like I would be making an issue out of 'nothing' and doing it for a 'silly' reason - i know this is the fear and the guilt talking .....

Put yourself first.

Your sister is also your mother's flying monkey here. Again she is not at all interested in hearing your side of things and her opinion should therefore be ignored. No good will come of contacting or visiting any of these people.

You may find over time that you can manage limited contact without too much damage. My DSs have a good relationship with my DM because they were carefully prepared for her! They are able to let her shenanigans wash over them, because they are secure with us. I can manage much better now than I used to. I have worked out some techniques I use to protect myself, and I am able to keep my sense of self.

If you want to keep contact with the wider family, can you just go down for special events?

picklemepopcorn - sorry i cant seem to find a way to highlight names on the thread, i'm new here.

That's what i'm sort of trying to do and it has been successful so far but its pretty obvious we have not been to see her for a year now and the comments are around re us going to see her....

I'm sure my sister would have a relationship with me when DM has passed away but right now she is so tainted by her, she tells her everything and so I cannot and do not trust her right now.

I think special events may be the way forward weddings/funerals etc...

You've done well to recognise the dynamic, and manage it so well. I think you are right, just keep doing what you are doing.

I think going NC scares me if I'm honest it means no more contact with a lot of people and no more attendance at family gatherings and it would be for a long time as I said she is only 68 and in good health! It also feels like I would be making an issue out of 'nothing' and doing it for a 'silly' reason - i know this is the fear and the guilt talking .....

It is but its also her conditioning of you, and the others, talking as well.

I mean, how very dare you?!???

Dare, do this 🖕 to it all and enjoy your life in peace xx

Numptynuts - thank you and I KNOW you are right its just the thought of it, plus its the 'what if im wrong / what if im being silly' and what if i relent in 5-10 years everyone will say how silly i was..... gosh this is hard! I relent after a while and go and see her but this time i feel its different.
Lots to think about i know.

Worst case scenario, you have a few years peace without having to think about it, then get back in touch on your terms. If you get back in touch and they belittle you again as you fear, then you can walk off.

In fact, your worry is that they will treat you badly (make you feel silly) if you get back in touch.

Picklemepopcorn, you said you have some strategies, would you mind sharing them?
I feel more confident in what I am doing now I have already said we wont be up this summer but invited her for my sons birthday and / or christmas which I know she wont do (lets me off the hook so to speak)

Its impossible to be objective isnt it? I mean who in the real world cuts out their own mother. Since having a kid it has driven such a wedge between us - how could anyone behave like that to a small child!
I feel that people who I talk to in real life and on here are siding with me just to 'be nice' which is so crazy as if I heard my story I would say No Contact!