Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does he really have no feelings or just in denial and unable to process them?

4 replies

Treatyaself · 06/05/2018 22:39

This guy and I were friends for a year, he kind of drunkenly told me he liked me last year, but just assumed it was drink taking. We had a great friendship and one night we were in a bar and a girl was flirting with him I asked why he didn't do anything. He said he wasn't interested. When I probed he said he didn't want a relationship ever as he's been hurt in the past. More questioning had him tell me he was really attracted to me and had been for ages but was scared to pursue it as he thought he would mess up and lose me.

So I said we'd take 3 months of being open about it attraction, and not pressure it and take it extremely slow as he said he had a really hard time with feelings. But 2 weeks later her landed round at mine declaring he did want more, and wanted me as he did care for me so I was a little freaked but we went for it and had a great 4 months in which he was super affectionate and tender.

The last month hasn't been great as he is super stressed with work, which has been the last 30 days in a row 12 hours a day, really struggling with the pressure. We got together last Sunday he was in a foul mood from work and a bit stressed about a meeting the next day but we had dinner a lot of drinking, i got him home as he was crashing out he was moaning about all sorts, and give off to me for to much pda and I said heaven forbid we should show feelings he snorted and I asked did he have feelings for me, he told me no he didn't I knew this 'no feelings means you can't get hurt.' That he done the 3 months, pointed out he'd made plans with me for summer I was to drunk to remind him he asked me for more, told him he met my family that he rushed up, why do all that if he was only in it for 3 months, he said we could or would do all that as friends!!! Anyway he told me he couldnt do this, then left and hasn't spoke to me in a week. Never been so confused or hurt in my life...

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 07/05/2018 10:09

You are grasping at the crumbs he is dropping you and trying to build some kind of romance out of them. He told you exactly what was going to happen months ago. You just refused to listen.

You've had a couple of affectionate months and now he's reverted to type. He wants the affection and fun and sex without the 'pressure of actually being in a relationship. You have taken the affection and fun and sex and imagined that this meant a relationship.

He told you loud and clear what he is doing, but you've ignored his words and tried to read his mind instead filtering everything through what you want to happen.

If you are looking for an actual relationship with mutual feelings and respect, this is not the man for you, and no amount of second guessing his actions will change that. If you are happy with an affectionate fwb situation, go ahead.

Laserbird16 · 07/05/2018 14:22

Sounds a bit hard work.

Aminuts23 · 07/05/2018 14:32

I think you are wishful thinking here. He wouldn’t treat you like that if he cared about you. He’s not trying to process his thoughts, he’s behaving like a twat.

Pidlan · 07/05/2018 14:40

Ah you poor thing. I don't think it's necessarily as clear cut as PP. I have had relationships with men like this, who just can't bring themselves to be free and let go. Love can be terrifying. That's not to excuse his behaviour at all.
The thing is, you can't change him. Ever. He'll run away from any tenderness forever.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page