Nervous about dtd even though I’ve been seeing him for 3 months?

[TashieWoo]

I will try to keep this short without drip feeding, not easy!

I’ve been seeing my new BF since the beginning of this year, having known him for about 8 years. We dated briefly then, like literally 2 dates and I can’t remember why it didn’t continue at the time but we have always been friends, seen him out & about and on fb. In the meantime he had a DC who is now nearly 6.

I’ve always held a torch for him despite being in a few further relationships and lots of flings. We dated briefly last summer but his life became very complicated with his ex and other things so we decided just to be friends which was fine, then on Christmas Day he contacted me having bought me a present etc, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since.

It’s been a lovely few months, I know him better than I ever have and he’s supported me through some very difficult circumstances (bereavement and family problems) and I’ve supported him too. His life has calmed down and he doesn’t seem to get as stressed about things. He brought up the relationship talk and we are ‘official’, although I haven’t met his friends & dc yet he’s mentioning it. There was a time when he wasn’t getting in touch much between dates and I brought it up, since then he’s contacted me daily. All good really.

But for various reasons we haven’t dtd yet. And I quite like the fact we’ve had to take it slowly, although we both clearly want it to happen at some point, I’d think it odd if he didn’t want to. It is probably going to happen this week.

The thing is I am just so scared of him losing interest or me being ghosted afterwards. I don’t think that will happen, if it did then nobody would be in relationships, but I will be devastated if that does happen. But I can’t hold off not dtd any longer and besides I don’t want to. We have a great time together and clearly fancy each other loads, so I wish I could just look forward to it. And it’s not like every guy I’ve been with has ghosted me after dtd, it’s just a fear I have.

Any advice on how to get through this without telling him how I feel welcome. Thanks

I can understand your fear, you're very invested in the relationship and he sounds very casual. I guess you've got two options, dtd and see what happens, or wait until he is on the same page as you emotionally.

Thank you for the reply Bombardier.

I'm not sure that casual is the right word as he does seem to like me, he certainly woke up when I told him I wasn't happy, but then I worry that he now sees texting me as a chore and is only doing so until he gets what he wants. Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit based on my own bad experiences, I just don't know.

He is thoughtful and bought me lovely presents for my birthday and valentines day, which were quite close together.

He tells me how happy he is and the other day asked me if I was happy, and I am, but I just see dtd as some huge hurdle. I'm sure the actual act itself will be fine and hopefully it will bring us closer together (as naff as that sounds), but in my head it's going to be the end because then he will have got what he wanted. But he hasn't given an indication that's all he's after. I just don't know.

I guess I don't have to do it, I could just ask whether he's on the same page as me emotionally. No harm in asking for clarification before going further.

Can’t you just explain to him what you have written here? If he is right for you he won’t mind you being concerned and he will try to put you at ease. Ultimately though, you will have to take a risk.

OP do you like sex?

If yes, there is absolutely no reason for you to not shag him. If he's crap in bed then you'll know to stop wasting your time.

If he's good in bed but then ghosts you, at least you've had a good time out of it.

If he's good in bed AND wants to carry on seeing you, you've hit the jackpot!

This kind of angst is why I prefer to shag guys quickly. If they are rubbish then you're not putting in the emotional labour and time, you can sack them off and move on.

NotThe yes I do like sex, as much as the next person really but unless I’m seeing someone I don’t have much of a sex drive really. Although when with someone I love it. I’m sure I’ll love it with my bf.

Usually I’d dtd sooner, like standard 3rd or 4th date but we haven’t been able to due to various circumstances. Which is fine but makes it harder as naturally the emotional investment has increased.

I’m hoping that he won’t be ‘crap’ because they are more feelings involved, and everything else has been rather lovely. Unless he did anything illegal/dangerous (which he won’t) then there won’t be any reason for me to call it a day after did.

Stop overthinking and have -sex- fun!

I wouldn’t be having sex so casually if I were you, you are too emotionally attached compared to him. I think you should wait until he is ready to make it more serious. You’ve liked him for a long time — if he sacks you off you will be devastated. You need to make sure he is serious first. And to pp who says shagging someone and them sticking around is hitting the jackpot, I can’t believe anyone has standards that low.

Not what I actually said Graduate but hey you crack on.

Op
Unless he did anything illegal/dangerous (which he won’t) then there won’t be any reason for me to call it a day after did.

There would potentially be loads of reasons to end things after crap sex, with the primary one being "the sex was crap"