He says he loves me but wants space

[Thewomeninthemirror]

My husband of 8 years has said he is unhappy and doesn’t know why. We have 2 children but he has moved out.
He said he loves me but is ‘messed up’ and needs space.
We have been through a lot in the last few years. My main issue is he is a work aholic and work always comes first.
I’m in pieces. He is adamant there is nobody else.

Yeah, no, there’s probably someone else. Why would he be messed up? Is there a back story?

He can’t put family first.
He works 80 odd hours a week and doesn’t switch off anymore.
I stupidly had an affair last year when he wasn’t around. He has said he has neglected me and doesn’t blame me for what I did. I ended the affair and told him after. We have had counselling. But he won’t have anymore.
He says he is ‘in a dark place and feeling numb’.
I’m worried he is depressed but then he said he is fine x

He dont love you and your children enough to spend time with you.

He is adamant there is nobody else.. They always are.

I’m so sorry for you. I hope for your sake that it is just a blip and that with a bit of time to think he will sort himself out. Unfortunately the most likely scenario is that he does have someone else and he is “messed up” trying to keep a secret. Don’t be surprised if he suddenly ‘meets’ the love of his life in the next couple of months, she’s been waiting in the wings for the coast to be clear.

I’m sorry to sound so harsh, I just don’t want you wondering what you could have done differently to keep him, where were the warning signs? Etc. Chances are he has been pondering this for quite some time and is only now landing it on you now that he’s sure.

Let him have his space. Don’t pander to him in the meantime. Give him the full force of ‘divorced dad’ life i.e. no cosy family dinners or him popping in to tuck them in at night etc. It will be confusing for the dcs (as well as you) for him to be in this limbo of living elsewhere but still being there when he chooses. Put some structure around this time for all your sakes.

Sort out how you will split childcare, finances etc. Be brutal about it. Even if it’s just a temporary split you need to be secure in your home and he needs to contribute fairly to the children’s lives, both financially and in terms of time.

If he’s really just after some free time and a taste of the single life, 50/50 childcare will no doubt come as a huge shock to him. Meanwhile you can take some time to yourself, nights out with friends and family, free time to go to the gym or hobbies etc. Make the most of the opportunity to be a single parent (I highly recommend it!) and let him see that he is not the centre of your world and you’ll be fine without him. Even if you don’t believe that yourself, let him see it.

Either he’s had his head turned and you’ve lost him anyway, or he’s hedging his bets hoping for something better than the family he helped to create, so let him see that he doesn’t get to walk away and live a carefree bachelor life, he can be the lone parent half the time too, dealing with homework, clubs, childcare, cooking, washing and all the shitwork that you’ve no doubt been doing for the past 8 years.

Sending you lots of love

Well the affair is a bit of a drip feed.

Maybe there is someone else and it is revenge. Maybe he's realised he can't get over it. Maybe the marriage is just over for both of you and you're no longer compatible.

Well I guess the affair could be the reason he’s checked out, but if he’s working 80 hours a week, where’s the time for a relationship? Let him go, if work is so important to him, let him have it.

Yes, the whole 'needs space' thing usually means one thing - another woman.

It looks like it's over tbh. If you felt you couldn't cope without him being around, you should have seperated before cheating.

Some people say they're over the affair, but they aren't really.

What's noticeable...is even after the affair...he hasn't reduced his working hours to spend time with you and the DC.

I see your confession as something of a cry for help...for some attention from him and yet still nothing has changed.

That's could be because:

He doesn't want to spend time with you.

OR

He's doing something he values more than you and the DC.

Are you really sure he's actually working all that time?

Tell him that you are worried about him and think he may be depressed and should see GP and/or counsellor. That is working too hard and you really think he needs a break etc. Try and keep the lines of communication open but f he wants to go there isn't much you can do to stop him.

He has probably belatedly realised he sold his soul to the devil when he forgave your cheating

It happens

I have suggested a dr or counsellor but he is somewhat old fashioned and comes from a family that don’t believe in discussing feelings.

The affair would be the killer for me

You’ve pushed him away with your affair is it not blindingly obvious

What @anyfucker said

Its obvious why he needs some space and why he is feeling depressed. It often happens. People forgive affairs, but the devestation doesnt hit them til later.