Would you read the private emails/texts of a deceased loved one?

[poppyinbloom]

My fiance passed away recently and his family did exactly this. They read our private emails/texts and saw all the photos I ever sent him. They went through his computer, etc. Basically anything that he stored information/chats on, they dug through it all. Then his brother sent me an email letting me know he had done it and proceeded to say horrible things to me (less than a week after he passed). It hurt and felt very traumatic on top of the pain I was experiencing.

My fiance's family was emotionally abusive to him and it had been an issue in our relationship for a long time. He constantly came to me telling me how they treated him and how upset they made him. I experienced/witness some of their abuse myself and they targeted me a few times. I avoided them a lot after the first year, but he still lived at home.

I want to know if what they did was normal in your opinion. Would you do this if say, your son/sibling passed away? We were both adults, had been together over three years and were going to be getting married this month.

Honestly I don't know.

I definitely wouldn't be letting a fiance know I'd done it and say horrible things to them - that does sound nasty and abusive and I really can't see why they'd do it.

Your main question thought - would you read it in the first place? I'd like to say not and that I'd take the moral high ground and respect their privacy but if I'm honesty I fear that curiousity would get the better of me. You might see one that catches your eye, have a look and then you are Pandoras box reading it all.

I suppose it might also depend on what there was - if it was obviously private sexual stuff then I wouldn't. If it was more gossipy chat about people we both knew then maybe.

I would know it was not a good thing to do though but its silly to pretend that no one would do it at all I think.

Sorry for your loss .

I don't think it is normal, but it doesn't sound like your fiancé's family are normal.

I can imagine you might look through someone's paperwork and letters but if the person who'd written them was still alive, the right thing to do once you saw what they were would be to offer them back, not read them. With personal emails, I think you'd just delete them, not go through them and do what they've done. Not normal. Awful.

My fiance often said how much he didn't like his family in some of the texts. But our texts were also about private, intimate stuff. Stuff about my life, thoughts, feelings. Sexual stuff. Pretty much everything. But sometimes I also said things about his family and that I didn't like how they treated him. His sibling had a different relationship with their parents (golden child and put on a pedestal).

The family has an abusive culture to be honest so I think his brother is following in the footsteps of his own father. I witnessed it many times. His father would even try to encourage his brothers to say mean things about my fiance when his father was screaming at him (and my fiance was a grown man, but his parents still felt they had a rght to scream and yell at him like a child).

Thank you, category. I don't think it's right either. His mother asked me to send her photos that I have of him after she told me they spread his ashes without me. I know she has read through the stuff too. I don't want to send her any photos I have of him because I feel I've been robbed and have nothing left. THey violated my privacy and dishonored his memory by going through all that and then with his brother sending me that hate-filled email.

Thank you for acknowledging my pain... I've told a few friends and family that this happened and they didn't seem to bat an eyelash or think it was abnormal in any way which has added to my frustration. I have an emotionally abusive adoptive family and my adoptive mom (narcissist) said "His brother very eloquently told you what he thought." It really hurt. It's like some people can't imagine what this would be like... it' feels like a nightmare to lose your partner and on top of that to have your private conversations read by their family (who he didn't even like and wasn't close to).

I am so sorry - I appreciate that they must be hurting badly too, but their behaviour is far from acceptable.

At this point, I would not be having any contact with his family, nor would I be sending photos.

I would write and say that I was beyond hurt over their behaviour since the loss of your fiance - particularly as you were shortly due to be married. Say that you need space, and maybe in the future when you've all moved on in your grief, you can reconsider.

I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't have read emails/texts etc. as until you're in that position you don't know, but I'm damned sure I wouldn't have used that information to make someone's pain worse.

I'd be furious. It's all very well his mum asking for photos, but reading his private messages to you? Was he still living at home, for that to be possible?

Sorry for your loss.

They absolutely shouldn’t have done this in my opinion. I would read my husband’s emails, but I wouldn’t wade through my sibling’s or child’s for example. They sound horrendous.

No I wouldn't and to attack you with what they've read is really
Just a continuation of their ' normal ' behaviour . Don't send photos and don't keep in contact . It's not
the end of the world you weren't invited to his scattering - the one thing they can't take is your memories

Yes, he still lived at home. I also would not read through something like that and use the info to make a partner's pain (or anyone's) worse. I replied to his brother and I was panicking and in the depths of my grief at the time. He accused me of a lot of things and I even showed him copies of my credit card statements to prove to him that I didn't use his brother for money and I spent my own money (my fiance was unemployed for over a year of our relationship and money was scarce for him, but somehow I used his brother for money according to him).

I don't want to send his mother the private photos that I have because I feel like everything else of his has been stolen from me. I wanted to ask his mom for a couple of his clothing items, but I'm afraid to ask. I had asked for them to reserve a small portion of his ashes for me so I could spread them on my own (he lived in another country) and she didn't and said "I know you wanted some, but it only felt right to spread them in entirety." Then she asked me to send her photos I have of him while offering me nothing.

I will be honest and say that I wasn't a saint. I said bad things about his family based on how they had treated my fiance and myself. I'm talking about screaming rages. His mother attacked me to my fiance a couple times and would say "And I don't give a damn if she can hear me!" (meaning me). They constantly made him miserable and he vented to me about it. My frustration grew toward them. It's not easy trying to support a partner who has emotional abuse issues with his family but also still lives with them... it wears on you after a while.

Also, I'm very quiet and I avoided them when they would scream and yell at him when I was present (in the next room). I wouldn't go near them, make eye contact. We stayed in a separate flat on their property. I never once said one rude thing to his family. I vented my frustrations in private texts and emails. My fiance hated his family before I even met them, but his brother accused me of "leading him in his angst toward his family."

I was always nice to his family and just bit my tongue whenever they said horrible things about me to him. But I would tell him what I thought of them in our private conversations. I had been feeling a lot of guilt and remorse over this since his death. But I'm not so sure my reaction was anything but human now.

It is irrelevant what was in the messages - it is a massive breach of privacy. Yes there son is dead, but you are not and the messages are between him and YOU. Very, very out of order IMO. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time OP. xxxx

If I were you, I'd cut all contact. You owe them nothing and they sound horribly dysfunctional.

Look after yourself .

What a dreadful time you are having - my sympathies.

I am pretty sure I would read through my husband's stuff should he pass on, but not my brother's and definitely not stuff between him and his girlfriend. I found something my daughter had written once, started to read it and discovered it was about her feelings. Inside I felt weird - like I was intruding, violating her in some way - so I put it in her drawer without finishing it (I'd found it on the floor).

As said above, you need space. You have grief and all kinds of other stuff to come to terms with. As for that hateful stuff - you have no need nor obligation to deal with this person ever again.

I hope your recovery from this is speedy xx

Wow thats really quite low and inexcusable from the brother. I don't understand how they had the power to do all this given you were the fiance and assumably living with your partner?(ie plan funeral, have the ashes etc, gain access to the personal devices)

But I do live aboard where a spouse, married or unmarried is the automatic next of kin.

Did you live with your fiance? I would respond to the brother with radio silence, block and ignore. With the mother, I would respond that you wish for your personal remaining photos to remain personal and that you may send some non-personal things in the future once you have had a chance to grieve.

Horrible loss for you, my condolences.

Something that bothers me is that his brother blamed me in his hateful email for his lack of a relationship with his brother. He said he had been "desperate" to know his brother for the past few years. Well, I sat next to my fiance several times when he tried calling his brother and his brother brushed him off. And I definitely wasn't stopping him or standing in the way of getting to know his brother. My fiance was a free man to talk to whoever he wanted to.

His brother also said things to me like "I feel pity for you" and "Don't ever contact my family again" and "I should have protected my brother from someone like you," "You never really knew him at all."

and "My parents let you come over because they wanted him to be happy and they lost their patience out of frustration" (It was a lot more than losing patience! It was more like a dragon breathing fire.. and I never saw it as his parents wanted him to be happy because they regularly made him miserable).

He also said "He gave you everything and it still wasn't enough." My fiance was often unemployed and had nothing and I paid the bill wherever we went most of the time. That was a private matter between a couple, but I take offense to that. I definitely didn't financially benefit and I felt like I tried to go above and beyond for someone that I loved. To be accused of just taking from him by his family nearly pushed me over the edge.

I lived with my fiance for a year, but we were from different countries and my visa ran out and I had to leave (I always traveled to him as he couldn't afford to come to me). He lived in a separate flat on his parents' property. So they read through it all.

Also, his mother made me wait OVER A MONTH to learn the details of how he died. All I knew is that it was an accident but I didn't actually know what happened to him. She tried to bait me (I think) by saying "He seemed upset that day but didn't want to say what was wrong." We had an argument in email that day and she read it.

At what point should I reply to her text addressing that I didn't appreciate that they violated the privacy of my fiance and myself? I really want to say that at some point. I'm sure she knows about the email her son sent (he is her golden boy after all).
I haven't had the strength to reply to her text. If she says something hurtful it will just break me.

Didn't you post about wanting to go back to see his grave?

Now then block them all

Honestly I really wouldn’t reply at all. I’d block them from everything. You have no reason to be in contact with these people now (they’re not going to send you clothes so don’t bother giving them the satisfaction of asking) so I wouldn’t offer them the opportunity to try to upset me again. They sound awful people and no, it’s really not normal behaviour. If there were legal/probate reasons that justified reading the messages, this wouldn’t stretch to obviously personal ones and wouldn’t excuse their subsequent behaviour. I’d definitely cut them dead from now on.

He doesn't have a grave. His ashes are spread.

I have been feeling a lot of guilt and beating myself up for the things I wrote about his family in our PRIVATE conversations. But it is starting to dawn on me.. that I MEANT EVERY WORD. And I don't think I should feel guilt or beat myself up anymore.

I think that the Brother is trying to blame you for his relationship with the your fiance. Its a lot easier to blame someone else for the failing of a relationship then to really look at how your actions contributed to that failing.

I know that a lot of people are telling you to just block them and then move on however sometimes you need to express your hurt to those that have wronged you. I had a similar situation where I contemplated whether to email someone regarding a very disrespectful incident at my DF's funeral. I am normally someone that likes to take the higher ground and ignore but I felt vindicated by messaging them my disgust at their actions. I felt like I could move on from the situation after sending it and I also blocked the person afterwards.

Only you will know what is best for you. Maybe write the message without a intention of sending it and sit on it.

Kovour, I also felt that his brother was trying to redirect his blame on me because of the lack of a relationship he had with his brother the past few years. I watched my fiance call his brother and try to talk to him and he would get brushed off and would have to text again to ask his brother to call him, etc. His brother was handed opportunities by their parents that my fiance wasn't given. My fiance wanted to go back and study and asked his brother if he could help him by co signing a loan. His brother told him no, that he couldn't. Fair enough. Then he took an expensive holiday to a foreign country right after that and would brag about the money he was spending on this and that. My fiance felt hurt and that his brother could care less. He had also asked his brother if he could move in with him in his city for a short time so he could look for work as there were more opportunities and his brother again brushed him off.

I also feel like I need to express myself because in this case, it is just so huge. I was never given the chance to spread his ashes, which would have brought me some comfort and I think my fiance would have wanted me to be able to do that. Actually I know he would have wanted that. They totally excluded me from that and they held a memorial on the beach without me. I don't know who was invited, but I would have liked to be there to show how much he meant to me.

It has been really painful. And tbh I did feel a lot of guilt and beat myself up very badly for the things I said about his family in our private convos, but then I realized I was venting within the confines and sanctity of my relationship and those conversations should been free from prying eyes.

If one of my siblings died, I couldn't imagine going through their private conversations. They are married, but even if they weren't, I would still feel that it isn't my place as we are all adults. And quite frankly, I don't and wouldn't want WANT to know all of their business. You know?

Another thing that I thought of is that I am the ONLY woman/girl who has dated one of the brothers within my fiance's family. None of his brothers ever had a girlfriend or anything close to it. I feel that as people grow up, become adults and get into a serious relationship.. they start to become closest to their significant other and maybe not as close to their siblings anymore because the relationship dynamics are changing. I am the youngest of my siblings and I watched it happen. I don't think his brother realizes that his brother wanted a life with me, not his family. I think he thinks I somehow drew his brother away from his family, but I did no such thing. My fiance actually wanted to cut them off because they were abusive.