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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feels like bf is taking the p**s

23 replies

AmberCurtain · 06/05/2018 11:21

I've been with him over 4 years and he's a good guy. He's amazing with my kids and has put up with a lot over the past 18 months as my daughter has been going through a pretty horrendous mental healthough issue.
Dd was on on school camp this past week and he's stayed over lots (we don't live together)
I spoke to him yesterday but was coming out of the cinema and everything was pretty hectic so said I'd call him back when we were home. I called him 4 times over the course of the afternoon but he didn't answer.
He's been online on whatsapp several times in that period but still no call back to me. He hasn't called this morning and I'm a bit cheesed off.
He's not cheating......he just wouldn't do that. But it feels like he's leading a double life.....that he can have his DIY family here 3/4 days a week and then go get drunk with his mates and do as he pleases when he's at his.
I knew when we got together he was "the one" and I thought by now we'd at least be living together if not married.
I feel like he has no intention of committing himself 100% and why would he whilst he can have the best of both worlds. we have talked about this before and nothing changes. He will probably just turn up at 2 and not even realise I'm pissed off.

I don't want to split up with him but at the same time I'm fed up of this. I want our relationship to progress and it's just going nowhere. Im tired of the sacrifices I have to make yet he makes none.

OP posts:

Mannix · 06/05/2018 11:24

It sounds like he hasn't really done anything wrong, but maybe he wants different things from this relationship than you do. What happens if you suggest moving in together?

You can't force him to progress the relationship if he doesn't want to. Maybe time to think about your priorities. Is this a deal breaker for you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2018 11:30

Amber

re your comment:-

"But it feels like he's leading a double life.....that he can have his DIY family here 3/4 days a week and then go get drunk with his mates and do as he pleases when he's at his".

That is precisely what he has with you, a ready made family unit and one who he does not live with or seems at all really committed to. He is not "the one" at all is he?. You've already talked about all this before and nothing has changed; why would it when this man has you doing all the running about and facilitating him so?.

Why are you seemingly so insistent that you don't want to split up with him?. Pride, fear of being on your own, you "love" him?. What is stopping you really here from calling it a day because this is really going nowhere isn't it. Why is your relationship bar here this low that you have at all tolerated this from him?. What are you still getting from this relationship?

Cricrichan · 06/05/2018 11:38

Hang on, you say he's brilliant with the kids but what is he supposed to do? Stay home waiting whisky you're with your kids? It's not a double life at all. You get to have your time with your kids and he goes out with his friends. Then when you're together it's great and he's great with the kids.

naebotherpal · 06/05/2018 12:06

What sacrifices have

naebotherpal · 06/05/2018 12:06

Sorry! What sacrifices have you made?

EleanorHooverbelt · 06/05/2018 12:11

He's not cheating......he just wouldn't do that

Famous last words...hope you are right.

I don't want to split up with him but at the same time I'm fed up of this

You can't force him to change. If this is a deal-breaker to you, you need to have a final discussion with an ultimatum. Lay your cards on the table and then follow through with a break-up if you feel strongly enough.

You can't have it both ways, iyswim. However, neither can he.

SoapOnARoap · 06/05/2018 12:19

I can’t see what he’s doing wrong??

What actually do you want from him?

TwitterQueen1 · 06/05/2018 12:26

You seem to be expecting him to dance attendance on you and yours even when he's not with you OP.... he is allowed to go out and have fun by himself and with his friends you know.

I realise that sounds harsh but you clearly want different things and I don't see that he's doing anything 'wrong'. You want to be married - it's not clear whether he does or not.

If he doesn't want to commit to marriage that's not wrong either - it just means you need to make some difficult decisions. What are the sacrifices you mention?

HollowTalk · 06/05/2018 12:28

Isn't it better if he's not living with you, if your daughter's got problems at the moment?

lifebegins50 · 06/05/2018 13:38

You didn't speak to him yesterday as were busy but now you are hacked off with him because he isn't around for you.

If after 4 years you don't feel its progessing he isn't "the one", otherwise you would be on the same page.

JaiPo · 06/05/2018 13:42

I'm surprised you thought you'd be married by now!

You have DC. Am I right in saying that he doesn't.

Did you discuss whether he'd be happy to be a step father figure, what he wanted, if he wants children of his own, if so, within what time frame!

I am older than you but I never expect anything to lead to marriage!!

OreoMini · 06/05/2018 13:50

So when he’s not with you he’s meant to do what ? Stay at home and never go out. I can’t see he’s doing anything wrong.

Even if he lived with you he’s entitled to go and see his friends a couple of times a week. You don’t have kids together by the sounds of it so he doesn’t have to stay in and watch his kids

Original poster

AmberCurtain · 06/05/2018 14:46

I don't have a problem with him going out with his friends at all.....in fact I encourage it.
He lived with a couple of his ex's and proposed to them so it's obviously something he's considered in the past a d hey were both completely controlling and nuts. (his words not mine) I agree that time apart is healthy and like I said before I encourage it. He's told me how happy he is with me and how much better things are because I don't control him or abuse him like they did, its just frustrating when everyone else is spending the bank holiday as families (which he considers us all to be) and I'm just waiting for him.

I just don't really know what he wants.....like I said it feels like he's living a double life.
I don't understand if you love someone and they love you why you wouldn't think it would lead to marriage? . I was very open from the outset of the relationship what I wanted with regards to our future amd he said he felt the same. I don't think after 4 years it's unreasonable to want to have a bit of consistency and live together

I couldn't speak to him yesterday when he called- I was walking out of the cinema, had hoards of kids with me, was carrying everything and my 2 yr old niece needed the loo.....I explained I'd call him back when I got in the car and he didn't answer.....I called a further 4 times at different intervals. I was only doing it to check what he had wanted earlier and sort our plans for today.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 06/05/2018 15:25

So are you saying that he has moved the goalposts?

When you met he agreed he wanted to live together and eventually marry, but now those conversations don't happen any more?

If so, that's a shame, but maybe he is just happy with things as they are? I have to admit I would never ever live with a partner or marry again, and the set up you have sounds ideal to me!!

Mannix · 06/05/2018 15:51

After four years it's reasonable to want the relationship to progress (eg living together)... but it's also reasonable not to want that. Sounds like he's happy with things as they are. It's up to you to decide whether you still want to be with him if that's the case. Have you had a proper chat recently about where things are going?

PrizeOik · 06/05/2018 16:14

I don't understand if you love someone and they love you why you wouldn't think it would lead to marriage?

Loads of people don't get married despite adoring their partners...
It's fine that you want to get married, but be aware that it's really not the be all end all.

Regarding living together, same thing. It's wonderful to have the best of both worlds. Why wouldn't it be? That's not a reflection of his love for you or lack thereof.

What sacrifices have you made?
What does he say when you ask about moving in together?
Did he move the goalposts, or are you expecting a bit of mind reading here?

PrizeOik · 06/05/2018 16:16

Full disclosure, DP and I live apart, I live with my DC. We have no intention of "progressing" () anything. We might move on together if/when I have an empty nest, provided we are sure our lifestyles will keep us from being in each other's pockets. We've both learned that moving in together is a great way to ruin a lovely relationship...

Original poster

AmberCurtain · 07/05/2018 12:49

He came over yesterday and the first thing he did was to appologise for not calling back so I feel better about that......I just miss him a lot when he isn't here. As cheesy as it sounds, he's my best friend, we have so much fun when we are together and we laugh so much.
He's gone back to his now as he has stuff to get ready for work tomorrow.......and he did some diy for me this morning. In hindsight I'm very lucky......I just wish he was around a bit more. He see's it that he's not enough, whereas I feel like he's so great that I want more. Maybe I'm being greedy?

I'd just like a normal family life

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 07/05/2018 17:12

I think that the reason why you get on so great and love to spend time with each other is because you have time apart and don't have to bother with each other's domestic inadequacies and so on. It keeps it fresh and exciting.

Mannix · 08/05/2018 07:25

You're not being greedy - what you want is natural, and I'd feel the same way after four years. But if he doesn't feel the same then you can't make him!

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 07:33

He has what he wants: a secure 'family' life with you where he gets looked after, fed and sex and not real responsibilities (as they're not his children), and a secure 'friends' life where he doesn't have to grow up.

If you want something different, you'll have to lay it out for him and be prepared to walk away.

I don't think you are, though, by the sounds of it.

Good luck with your conversation with him.

Babyblues052 · 08/05/2018 07:35

Doesn't sound like he's taking the piss, sounds like you are both in different pages and it's starting to get to you. I think you should have a discussion with him about moving in/marriage ect.

Bubba1234 · 08/05/2018 07:39

He’s allowed to have a life I.e drinking with mates

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