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Original poster

DP won't marry me

16 replies

AnnaCabana · 06/05/2018 09:30

DP and I have been together for 4 years.

We are in our 30's. Both of us have been married before and both have DC, mine live with us full time.

We have one child together and I'm pregnant. Both our DC are unplanned.

Our relationship is generally good although we have had a lot of stressful events throughout the duration of our relationship which have been testing.

I have a faith and as we're not married and now expecting my second child with DP don't feel I can be part of my faith community. Something I really need right now. I thought we'd be married by now. He's always said that's his intention.

I brought this up with DP yesterday and he says I'm manipulating him into marriage using my faith Hmm. I slept in the spare room after and now he's saying I've ruined another day and he was expecting me to apologise to him this morning Hmm.

His first reason for not proposing was that he wanted me to have a better relationship with his DD, then he said it was a case of 'once bitten twice shy' and now he wants us to go to counselling to ensure as much as possible it won't end in divorce as he feels our relationship is rocky.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 06/05/2018 09:38

I can understand you want to get married but sounds like you need to listen to his point of view too. If he feels things are rocky, he evidently isn’t in the same place as you re marriage. Suggesting counselling sounds like he is trying to find a solution or help mend what he thinks may be in trouble, that sounds like the actions of someone who cares about you and values the relationship. Ignoring what he is saying isn’t going to make him feel valued or understood, it sounds like you need to communicate better to each other. Maybe counselling would help with that? And lessen the resentment on both sides?

Cambionome · 06/05/2018 09:47

Hmm - sounds to me like he doesn't really want to get married and is just rolling out the excuses. Sorry.

SendintheArdwolves · 06/05/2018 09:55

I suppose I find it hard to understand why, now you're expecting your second child with this man that you feel you can't be part of your faith community?

Were they nice to you when there was only one child out of wedlock but are they now excluding /shaming you? That sounds weird and they don't sound very nice.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants to marry you, op. I'm sorry.

Cricrichan · 06/05/2018 09:55

How are you financially? Whose house do you live in? Are you a sahm?

MarthasGinYard · 06/05/2018 09:58

'I have a faith and as we're not married and now expecting my second child with DP don't feel I can be part of my faith community.'

TBH I'd have thought you might have considered this before falling pregnant again if it's so important to you.

Controversial I know but I think your DP maybe thinks the same.

MarthasGinYard · 06/05/2018 10:00

'His first reason for not proposing was that he wanted me to have a better relationship with his DD, then he said it was a case of 'once bitten twice shy'

He's rolling out the excuses

If he wants to go down the counselling route he needs to instigate this

Not you

DelphiniumBlue · 06/05/2018 10:03

His arguments would have sounded plausible had I not read the bit where you said that he's blaming you for ruining another day and expecting you to apologize ( for saying how you feel?).
He's not planning to marry you . And he's controlling.
Will this faith community support you with pregnancy if you are a single parent?

lifebegins50 · 06/05/2018 10:09

I think his issues with marriage are as valid as your desires for marriage.

I don't know your faith but struggle to accept that they find cohabiting with children an issue.You maybe projecting your feelings.

It's valid for you to want to marry, for very sensible and practical reasons but be open about that.
Counselling seems positive.

kikashi · 06/05/2018 10:16

He is not planning to marry you and he wants to have control. Does he feel resentful of your pregnancies, that they were somehow your fault and is digging his heels in and "not being manipulated into marriage". As an old gimmer I have come across this attitude from men many times.

On the other hand if he is usually loving and supportive perhaps he is genuinely worried about another divorce. Counselling does sound like a decent idea as you do have issues to sort out.

saucepot8 · 06/05/2018 10:27

If having dcs in wedlock is so important for you, maybe not get pg? I don't think using that as a reason to pressure him into marriage isn't healthy at all. It's your religion. There seems to be a really dysfunctional aspect to your relationship. The more you pressure him the less likely it is that he will propose. Why would you want to force someone to prose anyway?

PinkTipz · 06/05/2018 10:27

When you had this conversation before you had children, what did he say then?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2018 10:27

He does not want to marry you and you are really his "she will do for now" woman.

He is full of excuses but you have handed over all your power to him all too willingly.

Mannix · 06/05/2018 10:33

As he has suggested counselling, why not agree to this? It sounds like it would be useful for both of you to talk this through with a third party.

I don't like his comment about 'expecting you to apologise' either. Doesn't he realise how important this is to you?

DamsonOnThisDress · 06/05/2018 10:40

It's hard to say. We don't know enough. Do you keep spoiling days pushing for this or is he being an arse like some here seem to think?

Tbh I understand his reasons for wanting to put it off more than I do your reasons to push for it but then I'm not religious.

The fact you say you really need to be part of this group now suggests all is not well. If there's something wrong focus on that maybe. He's not ready so no point pushing it atm. Besides it's unlikely to fix whatever it is that's wrong (if there is anything. I don't know. I could be reading too much into that comment).

Either way he's not going to give you what you want and pushing him isn't going to change it. It's up to you what you do next. Wait? Leave? Accept?

Could you find a more inclusive religious outlet where you can get support from your faith? I appreciate your particular faith is important but do you really want to be part of a circle that's quite exclusive and unsupportive? Obviously that's just a thought and possibly not something you feel is an option.

ScrubTheDecks · 06/05/2018 11:59

What are your respective financial situations? Do you rent or is one or both of you a property owner?

Stand by your own feelings about yourself. Why should The hypocritical views of faith members affect your DP’s decision making?

Financial security is important though, for you both.

EleanorHooverbelt · 06/05/2018 12:01

then he said it was a case of 'once bitten twice shy

So you have to pay for the fact he chose the wrong partner first time around?

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