I don't think I'm attracted to my partner anymore.

[Namechangeanon1]

I thought it was a 'phase' after having my daughter. But 10 months on & I'm still totally un attracted to my partner. I love him, his a good man & he loves our daughter but I feel like his my best mate instead of my partner. I completely zone out during sex & just think about how much I'm not enjoying it. Then after he always asks me, how was it? Speaks about how much he enjoys it... & it just makes me cringe. I can't leave him, financially, & for my daughters sake & because I would probably miss him to. But I really miss sexual chemistry, I'm being much flirtier with strangers than ever before, it's becoming a bigger deal than I thought it could be to me. Not sure what I'm expecting from posting but I needed to air it...

I have no advice but I can relate it sucks. Makes you feel old before your time. Maybe someone will come along with helpful advice but I feel once it’s gone it doesn’t come back.

Perhaps you need to find a way to see him out of the context of family life. See him in situations where he is a individual person, not a dad, provider, etc. Can you go out just the two of you, not a date like film or dinner but to a place where you are both adults doing something unrelated to your normal routine. Do you have hobbies? Does your DH do anything out of work and home that he is important in? I find that I don't see my DH as a proper person that much anymore. He is just another obstacle in the daily routine and he is annoying! But when I see him doing things that are nothing to do with dc and housey stuff I am reminded he is a brilliant and clever man who other people really like and admire. I forget that loads but seeing him for who he really is reminds me I love him again!

@atadayathebeach
I have no advice but I can relate it sucks. Makes you feel old before your time. Maybe someone will come along with helpful advice but I feel once it’s gone it doesn’t come back.

How are you dealing with it? It's all consuming to me at the moment, it's with me day & night niggling away at me. Leaving I feel is to dramatic given the reasoning...

I just live a nice life with a man I get along with well. I’ve never had an “uncontrollable”libido. I’ve had two relationships where I loved every inch of their physical bodies and gave me butterflies to kiss them but they weren’t good for me. I’m jealous of women that have it all. I’m a older woman and starting over just because of a lack of attraction just isn’t practical financially or best for me. I’d be terrible on my own. The odds of finding someone at my age aren’t good. I tried twice not doing it again. If I was young I’d start over in a min.

I'm 26, but still feel like I can't leave... for all the same reasons as you really. It sucks doesn't it..

Are you breast feeding? I found that made a difference. Would be good if there was a fix.

26? You are such a young woman with a whole life ahead of you and if the physical attraction has died already, then you are simply going to become increasingly frustrated as time goes on. You'll get to your 40s and feel like you've wasted your life. There is no magic wand here though - you either settle or you leave. Don't have an affair though, as tempted as you might be. People can be damaged for life with affairs.

Yes with a young child what’s best for them comes first. What if you do some thinking and make a plan you think will work for you in the future. If I had one and something to look forward to I wouldn’t be so sad. It wouldn’t necessarily be to leave right away. Maybe a plan to further your ability to be independent. I got more education when my son went to school.

@sunseasand yes I am! Will research that, thank you.

@upperwallop no I never would, I never could. I know that would really deeply effect my OH. Thanks @adayatthebeach that's a really good plan, ill definitely set some short term goals.

Was also going to ask if you were bf.

I had zero libido when I was, just had no interest in sex whatsoever. About a month after I stopped though...! Honestly, I was like a horny teenager trying to make up for a year of pretty much no sex.

Definitely don't write it off until you've finished bf.

Don’t give up yet, after each of my children it took me around a year to feel attracted to my husband again - suspect it’s hormonal. Can you spend any time with just the 2 of you?

If you're still breastfeeding, I definitely wouldn't discount that being the cause. Was a complete and utter libido killer for me until my periods returned 16 months post birth. I think this is pretty common for breastfeeding women - your body doesn't want you getting pregnant when it thinks you have a baby to feed!

Thanks ladies I have never even thought about a connection but have found some pretty solid support for it online! It's actually made me feel a whole lot better & im hoping when I start to wean off BF in a few months I will start to feel it again ❤️ So thank you!

I think some people should read the OP - it’s not loss of libido breast feeding hormones scenario - OP has said...”But I really miss sexual chemistry, I'm being much flirtier with strangers than ever before, it's becoming a bigger deal than I thought it could be to me.”
OP this too is very common, but very few mums speak about it (kinda keep it in their heads and make the best of things - tho some will see the beginning of the end looking back in a few years). So - just be aware that your DP isn’t there to make your life exciting for you and give you butterflies and keep you on edge and spark feelings of excitement and insecurity and jealousy and danger and intrepidation - and if you crave these things then with a ten month old baby you need a reality check. He’s there to support you to bring up a child. It takes one hell of a lot more than the ability to flirt with strangers. There are plenty of bad men out there to ruin your life and drive you crazy with pain and desire and roller coaster romance. And if your partner knew this about you - perhaps you’d have less to feel bored about as he might be rethinking his options too. I certainly would.
So as some have suggested - why not try to reconnect and recapture the spark with DH - rather than write it off and fantasise over the promise of strangers?

X post OP - good luck 😉

Hormones. The only time I was not the least bit interested was when my hormones were going crazy. I could happily have written sex off for life. Thankfully it didn’t last.

Thanks @dadaist honestly I'm shocked myself I never saw this coming. Honestly I'm not expecting miracles but just being able to have sex without being repulsed would be a start. Feel terrible even writing that, but unfortunately that's the truth. Even with a young baby, surely that isn't 'the norm'? I really hope the bf/hormones thing is the case! Maybe because DP is the only one I actually have physical sex with I think he is the problem? But in reality maybe I wouldn't feel it at all with anyone at the moment...

Well it absolutely could be BFing hormones. I just picked up on feeling flirty with strangers meaning it’s not low libido as much as ‘just not with partner’.
Unfortueneatley - a good solid partner that makes you feel secure and is dependable and reassuring ...isn’t all that sexy. I guess that’s what I’m saying and that awareness of how to get the best out of a relationship means finding ways to keep a mutual attraction. We can all shock ourselves all the time - whose to say DP hasn’t been thinking ten month old breast feeding mum just isn’t as sexy as women strangers he sees?’ If it goes on too long it could harm your relationship but it’s very early days with new baby so don’t panic!

Thank so @dadaist I'm very lucky to have him in many ways I know this & could definitely make more effort with the sexual side. I've spent 10 months in sweats & living off very little sleep how could he possibly not find me attractive? we're going on holiday in a few weeks hope that helps!