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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ghosted by friend

16 replies

ShesAYamEater · 05/05/2018 20:58

a bit of context

i met a woman a good few years older than me a few years ago when i left a relationship and moved to a completely new area. She said she didnt make friends easily and we hit it off straight away. IShe did tell me early on that she could just cut people off without a second thought,) and i did find her bossy and quite domineering, though wise and likeable.

At the time my life was falling to bits and she dispensed lots of advice (as i say she is a wise lady) but she got quite cross when i didnt always follow her instructions. She also began to over step the mark a bit - she labelled me as "vulnerable" and not very resilient and began doing things like making appointments with my gp and then talking for me. She is very pushy. i had lost a pregnancy quite far on and i was lost and lonely and having all sorts of problems. she sort of took me under her wing but also seemed to enjoy the drama though i always had to go to her, she never came to see me. She could also be a little cruel sometimes in her comments.
I am actually resilient and am not in the least bit vulnerable - i have been in some pretty dire situations but at all times ive known what i was doing and some things were of my own choosing though she didnt approve (relationships etc)

then last year i called her on the phone as usual and she said she would ring me back.
im still waiting. she totally ghosted me. i tried to call again and left a text message but i didnt get a reply. we had each other on facebook and after a few months i unfollowed her and put it to the back of my mind. The other day i was on facebook and had a quick look at her page, there were a couple of "meme' things that i found a bit odd and think were maybe aimed at me.

one was morticia adams (from the adams family) and a caption which said "you cant just cut people out of your life" while showing morticia cutting the head off a rose in full flower (as if saying "oh yes i can" and the other is a meme saying "if i cut you out of my life chances are you handed me the scissors:

i know she has form for this but i honestly cant think of anything i did. She is one of those people who like projects and she is now throwing herself into community projects (and winning awards for them as she is very driven) but i cant help wonder what i did that warranted ghosting. im wondering what scissors i handed her other than not always "doing as i was told" by her. i cant decide if she just lost interest when things settled for me or if ive done something. its been a year now without contact so too late to ask. i feel a little sad about it. i do have friends but mostly they live in my old town and i rarely see them. that said, im not someone who needs to go out and do things, im more than happy with my own company. i sometimes socialise with work colleagues. i mainly do things with dp or my adult dd. The rest of the time im a home bird though if you throw me into a social situation im fine and can talk to anyone. im one of those people who strike up conversations in the check out queue so i know im not socially inept!

i thought those memes were a bit nasty really and id not stoop to that even if she had offended me in some way. Its now really got me wondering if i did something?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 05/05/2018 21:02

I doubt very much that you did anything. She has form for this which suggests that it is everything about her and not about those who she has done it to.

SandAndSea · 05/05/2018 21:03

Stop! You're letting her mess with your head. She's not your friend and that's all you need to know. She sounds like a nightmare. Block her now. You're worth far more. Flowers

restingbemusedface · 05/05/2018 21:04

You sound well rid

ShesAYamEater · 05/05/2018 23:48

I don't feel well rid, I miss her a bit really but guess I need to get in with it . She clearly didn't want to continue the friendship.

OP posts:
GeordieGirl233 · 06/05/2018 00:10

I'd have fucked her off within days. You're well rid. She sounds the sort of person who just sucks the life out of you...

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 06/05/2018 00:12

She's controlling, and you wouldn't be controlled enough - that's your 'misdeed'. She found it irritating that you didn't always listen to her advice - be glad that you are not a doormat!

zzzzz · 06/05/2018 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noughtsandcrosses123 · 06/05/2018 02:02

It's not too late to ask, not even after a year, but I doubt you'd get an honest answer out of her. She sounds like a difficult and controlling woman who needs to maintain the illusion of being in control at all times. For her to admit she ghosted you out of spite, revenge for an imagined slight, or whatever, would be to admit to weakness. I would be amazed if she could admit to being the one in the wrong - from everything you've said she doesn't 'do' being wrong.

Always sad to lose somebody though - I can deffo speak to that. Feel free to miss her, but I don't think it was your fault that she ghosted you.

ShesAYamEater · 06/05/2018 14:50

thank you everyone ( noughts) i know youre going thru something much worse right now so thank you for your input too x

it just dawned on me really that i have no one here and im also wary of the fact that one of these days sooner or later im going to bump into her in the village.

it was really odd the way she just vanished. i was invited a big family function and the last i heard from her was a message on fb saying she had my invitation and i said great thanks - then she never sent them, or called, or text, or replied to my whats app message and never spoke to me again.

i actually think she was drawn by the drama that was going on in my life and liked to gossip and be involved, but i think then she just got bored and found new "projects" to work on.

she posted about the big family function on fb and i commented saying have a lovely weekend and she liked it but never replied to that either - though she had clearly replaced me with another friend because they commented saying what a wonderful weekend it had been so far etc etc.
i didnt bother me and my dp had already said he didnt want to go so it was a blessing really that it never materialised, we went away on holiday instead, but i was really involved in her family and had got to know her kids and her mum and husband and she had included me in family things and meals out etc which was really lovely at the time, shed got to know my kids too. (all our kids are adults)
i know she didnt approve of my relationship and my dp wasnt massively keen on her - he sort of saw through her a bit i think - but it still feels a bit weird that she just disappeared the way she did. ah well no point in dwelling now - i might do as suggested and just block her totally because i keep seeing posts about all these good causes she is involved in and how successful they are and these awards she keeps being nominated for etc etc....

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 06/05/2018 16:13

What she posts on her Facebook page is up to her and, as you’re not connected on Facebook anymore and she’d have no reason to believe that you’re looking at her page, I suspect that they aren’t about you at all. If she has form for this sort of thing then they’re probably just things she agrees with rather than having a specific meaning in mind. You’re interpreting it as being about you because you’re still upset about the loss and frankly I doubt she is (not because there’s anything wrong with you but because she chose to end the friendship and she’s practiced at it). If I were you, I wouldn’t look at her page again and I wouldn’t think about it anymore. If you bump into her, smile and nod hello but then carry on walking. It doesn’t sound like you’ve lost out too much.

ShesAYamEater · 06/05/2018 19:42

Im pretty sure she knew I'd look but I've now blocked her and feel better for it. Job done. I don't have to wonder what I did any more.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 06/05/2018 19:51

Op, that's exactly the right approach.

You will never know what you did to warrant being cut off like that. She would never honestly tell you.

She has form for it so her next "project" or bosom buddy will also be binned very soon.

It says a lot about her that she thinks people are disposable like that, without any kind of chat or explanation.

It's happened to me before. No explanation. I was deeply hurt. The friend who ghosted me has since asked me for a cup of tea in a cafe. I've smiled and said sure but I won't do it. I've been told since that she only really likes to have wealthy friends. 😯

You can't be friends with people who are like that. You've dodged a bullet there, you really have. Think yourself lucky!

ShesAYamEater · 06/05/2018 23:16

Yeah now I e just got to watch her chat to David walliiams ion Twitter ☹️
I don't even have Twitter .yhid Roman is everyone's best mate. ( for 5 mins)

OP posts:
ShesAYamEater · 06/05/2018 23:17

this woman is everyone's best friend

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 06/05/2018 23:25

?

Cobblersandhogwash · 06/05/2018 23:27

You think that.

She's not really.

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