Does your ex come to see your children at your house?

[question100]

Difficult divorce coming to an end (after loads of stress, sadness and trauma).

Ex was ordered (by consent) to move out at the end of April. He no longer spends any nights here but does come here to see the kids when I am not around. All his stuff is also still here.

In another couple of months the divorce will be finalised and at that point I will change the locks.

A relative seems to think that ex will still be coming over to see the kids here but I would find that very difficult. Am I wrong?

At the moment the dc do not want to go where ex is living. I am sure he has plans to sort out different accommodation but in the meantime what do I do? What do people do?

I want the dc to see ex often and spend time at his eventual house - they are at secondary school though and so can’t really be scheduled?

The problem is that ex and I are not on speaking terms as there is a lot of hurt. A LOT. Too long to go into.

Also this was ex’s home for many years so it would seem strange not to “allow” him here?

It’s all very traumatic and I am at the stage of wondering if I should have put up with my awful marriage instead.

to everyone going through similar.

And I can’t tell you how painful it was, hearing him be so kind to this person on the phone .

When for years I had wanted him to be that kind to me.

You have have said you don't want him coming to your house after the divorce is finalised but but but but.... (Dcs need to see him, nowhere else to go, dcs wont get out of bed etc etc etc)

If you don't want him to come into your home that is entirely your right and perfectly normal. It seems to me that the divorce being finalised is your last and only chance to set this boundary. If you wait for him to get a new place or for the dcs to choose to go his you will be waiting for ever because the situation works well for everyone except you now. So if this is how you want it to be you need to make it clear now, in advance so everyone has time to plan.

Tell the dcs now that this is how it will be because there's absolutely no point in changing the locks if they just let their dad in when he's on the doorstep.
Tell him now. Email an emotionless non accusatory letter to say that after the divorce is finalised he will no longer have permission to enter your home for access with the dcs. You are telling him in advance so he can make alternative arrangements.

Some people have moved house for less.

Hi there, first of all if its working for you then so be it. But for me 100% no never!! My children were very young when we separated hes a complete ass hole. I had to get a solicitor involved just to have him leave the house after he said he was going to have sex with other people. Yes it was hard for him and practically difficult for him to see the children but thats tough, i needed him to step up to the mark. He desperately wanted to return and have contact inside the house many many times he tried, i never allowed him in. I sound hard faced and really im not but hes financially and emotionally abusive, hes also a lier etc etc. He decided he didn't want to be with me any more, he has to face the consequences of his behaviour. That involves providing somewhere appropriate to live and and have the children,.
Fast forward a year and his behaviour is dreadful very controlling and manipulative which joust proves to me that in my situation it was correct not to allow him back in the house.
Dont believe its your responsibility to facilitate their relationship, its not its his, all you can do is encourage your children

Some people have moved house for less.

Yes I bet they have.

He was here today - I went out to the shop and to have coffee to give all of them some space together (also, he is going away for a week and hadn’t seen them yesterday), but when I got back he was still here.

The hard thing for me is being endlessly confronted with the pain. And endlessly being the person who doesn’t matter - he is here to see the dc..

Anyway I am pretty sure that things will change once everything is finalised. What I need is a good long stint without really seeing him at all - then I might start to slowly recover. Maybe .

If you don't want him to come into your home that is entirely your right and perfectly normal.

This is kind of what I wanted to know ...

I think the hardest part of the whole divorce thing is the feeling of rejection. And the disbelief your brain has to cope with. Somewhere I honestly assume that he will come home one day and all will be fine.

You are completely within your rights OP to insist he sees the dc elsewhere. And your instincts that a long stint without seeing him will help you heal, may well be right.

My ex saw the dc at mine midweek for many months. It was awful. The disbelief, that you described so beautifully, gaining energy every time I came home and found him here. And that miserable realisation that I didn’t matter to him, his obvious ability to be happy in our family home without our relationship.

He was furious when I called a half to it. But it was the key decision in allowing me to ‘move on’ (hate that phrase btw, - adjust maybe). The pain feels much less raw now.

Do what is best for you OP, you need to protect yourself.

And that miserable realisation that I didn’t matter to him

Yes it’s exactly that.

Thank you, by the way, to everyone, for your helpful posts .

You are getting divorced and I assume for good reasons. You both need to make a clean break. He needs to remove all his belongings asap. Both your houses should be your safe place. So I don't see why he should be in your house, would you go to his house ? The children sound old enough to organize their own contact. He should take them out somewhere if he doesn't want to take them to his house. Stop being so nice ! Tighten up your boundaries, otherwise what is the point of getting divorced ?