Avoidant relationship style

[Avoidantmen]

I’ve just been reading a book about relationships and recognised the man I’ve been dating seven months as very strongly avoidant (he fits the criteria 100% and carries out all of the strategies to keep things distant). I fit the anxious type although I’ve always had secure relationships so it hasn’t created me problems until now. Reading about my own anxieties has helped considerably and I’ve taken a step back in terms of my emotional involvement.

I’m wondering if anyone has managed to get an avoidant man to open up and let you become properly involved in his life or am I wasting my time? It’s so frustrating because I can see ‘him’ under all the defence mechanisms yet he won’t let me in consistently.

Its really interesting when you delve into relationship attachment styles. I'm a secure attachment style and dated an avoidant for a year. He was absolutely lovely but kept me at a distance the entire time.

Any moves from me to discuss the future or feelings was very difficult and felt forced.

Sadly despite the fact i adored him, we called it a day. Interestingly we are now friends and he is a great friend, just a crap BF. He's fully aware of his avoidant style as well!

How did you meet?

A person with an anxious style will not be able to "get through to" an avoidant style.

Avoidants need strong secures (if they want to change, that is).

I think you'll create a great deal of pain trying to mould this man into something other than what he is.

Take him as you see him, let him be himself. It's not up to you to take him on as a project. He's not a fixer upper. he's a person and he's allowed to be avoidant