So Lonely In My Marriage

[RITAZZ55]

Hi I barely know where to start but need some advice. I have been married for 16 years and have two kids age 8 and 10. I feel like my marriage is over but I dont feel like I can go through with a divorce party because I dont want to devastate the kids And party because I am scared of being alone. I am mid forties and have never actually lived alone. My husband constantky criticises me about everything. Im messy, I’ve not done the shopping, Ive forgotten to get the bloody mayonaise Ive fed the kids something unhealthy, Im a bad mum or his latest is that I spend too much time with my children. I have tried to change over the years to make sure I have the right bloody shopping in etc etc but he always finds something new to criticise. He drinks fairly Otten And can be very moody And difficult. He doesnt hit me or cheat And he earns a decent living but I Find myself living cautiously in case I annoy him because I cant stand the criticisim. Im no angel of course And can be a pain in the butt but I know he doesnt have to tiptoe round me like I do with him. I look forward to when he has to work late or Travel with work so that I can just relax without him. We do have rare good times but they r rare And thats my fault too he tells me. Oh And he drinks because of me he says. I just dont know What to do. If i didnt have kids I would have left years ago. Now I am mid forties with a v low wage two kids And no sellf esteem. I have tried to talk to my mum about it but she told me I didnt know how lucky i was. But I dont feel lucky. I may have on the surface what seems like an ok marriage but its all a lie. He also has no patience for my family so when they come to visit I feel really worried about how he is going to behave. Sounds pathetic but I just dont feel i deserve this. I just want to be happy with my kids. What should I do? Am I complaining over nothing? I am so confused about it all. So sorry for the essay.

No, he's worn you down. It's time for you.

Believe in yourself and start to take back your own life.

To be honest I would rather be alone than with someone like him. It sounds miserable. And joyless.

What a heart breaking post. You are not lucky to be with a man who belittles and undermines you. I don’t know what your financial situation but surely it would be better not to constantly live in fear. Just because someone doesn’t hit you it doesn’t mean they can’t be abusive

I’m so sorry to read this, because I fully understand how exhausting it is to be constantly tiptoeing around someone else’s bad mood and generally shitty energy, all the while being told that it’s you at fault. Know this:

1. You’re not at fault.
2. He is responsible for his own drinking.
3. Lots of people will tell you to LTB, without any understanding of how nuanced a marriage and history and kids and inequality in finances can be.

Be strong, keep posting, you don’t deserve this and you do need support.

Don't be afraid of living alone - you will feel wonderful being able to come home to your own place and cook whatever the hell you fancy and not be treading on eggshells - it is not half as difficult as you imagine it might be. Living with someone like this will wear you down and at the end of your life you will wish you had done something differently. You wouldn't wish your children to have such a marriage - set them an example. You will flourish. Remember life begins at forty!!

RITA

Your marriage is well and truly over and you and he should not be together any longer. Staying for the kids is never a good idea either; it teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie and they will not thank you for doing that to them. Doing that could also very much damage your own relationship with them as adults because they could well accuse you of still putting him before them.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?.
What has prevented you from leaving to date and how can you be helped leaving him?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. I think they would not be at all devastated (and why use that word as well?) if you were to leave him; they would in all likelihood be relieved because they would also see their mother a lot happier than the truly downtrodden soul she is now. You cannot and have not been able to fully protect them from their dad's verbal abuse of you as their mum nor his drinking to excess.

Do not keep on doing your bit here to show your kids that a loveless abusive marriage is their norm too. Your mother has also given you poor counsel and this along with your low self esteem has kept you trapped. Stop listening to their rubbish and make a new life for yourself without either he or your mother in it.

Seek legal advice with a view to starting divorce proceedings. You are not as powerless here as you think you are.

You sound stronger than you give yourself credit for. I’m also in a marriage with a man who is completely joyless and constantly absent, and tomorrow, if I get the courage, I’m gonna ask him to leave me and my daughter. I wish both of us the courage to get a better/happier life for ourselves.

It is wearing to live like this.
Is he stressed?
Could your Mum look after the children while you go on a “date “.

Thankyou all so much for your kind Words And support. I feel really sad that its come to this point.

He has good points too and so I keep wondering if its something we can try to change but if I try to talk to him about the fact he blames And criticises me for everything it ends in argument, We go through good patches And then very bad patches. I do wish it would all just be ok.

In answer to someones question yes he is stressed a lot with work And doesnt handle it well.

I just feel I am never good enough at anything as far as he is concerned And thats very soul destroying. He also changes things around as if they happened differently than they did.

He also makes comments about my hair makeup clothes, small ones but controlling and when I tell him it’s up to me if I want to wear makeup he tells me I’m overreacting and being defensive but I don’t think it’s normal for a man to say to his wife she shouldn’t wear makeup. He micro manages me. But is this normal? I just feel really confused about my reactions. I don’t even know if they are right anymore.

It’s not so easy just to walk out. My kids would be upset to leave him as they love him and I know they would rather we stay together. But I also know they don’t always know what’s best for them.

Sorry I’m rambling. It’s helped me to post here. Thanks for all the advice and best of luck tomorrow ‘it’s adventure time’.

Sorry but it isn't normal. I know, I was married to someone just like this. It is endless being blamed for everything. My favourite saying about my ex was that if there were 10things to be done in a day and I'd accomplished 9 he'd ask about the tenth then act all hard done to as though I'd done nothing! He was emotionally abusive and i wasted way too many years on him. You are worth so much more. You are married so entitled to a fair share of the marital assets. Go and see a SHL and see what you would be entitled to.

Red - yes to the 1 thing not done. I get the "meg where is ds 1 item of clothing, new pens, wtf ever" as if I am the everyones personal inventory holder. And the criticism for what is not done rather than all that I have done. If I didn't do these things we would be living in squalor. Wifework is a pisser.

Do you still love him? If not leave. I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, nothing I did was right. In the end he had an affair, which although a shock was a relief, because I could finally release myself from him. I lost any love & respect for him because of the constant picking & comparing me to other women.
I was 47 when I left. The thinking about it was harder than actually doing it. I have no regrets & have become 'me' again, which is what you lose when someone is constantly picking at you. I wish I'd had the guts to do it sooner. The kids will be Ok, upset at first, but they do adjust.
The question you have to ask yourself is can you stand another 40+ years feeling like you do now? Good luck whatever you decide to do.

He is having an affair.

‘You spend too much time with the children’ - what parent says that? Someone desperately trying to justify their own terrible behaviour.

RITA

re your comment:-

"He has good points too and so I keep wondering if its something we can try to change but if I try to talk to him about the fact he blames And criticises me for everything it ends in argument, We go through good patches And then very bad patches. I do wish it would all just be ok".

He is quite happy as he is, why should he change when he has you still around to boss about, otherwise control and verbally put down as and when he feels like it?. This individual is wound up about everything but never looks at his own self here as a reason for being like this; its always someone else's fault. I have to look at you in all this as well, what are you still getting from this relationship?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?. You cannot and should not be staying with him just because of the kids primarily, that is never a good idea.

HE is not good enough for you actually.

He is not for changing and such men also feel entitled to act like this too. It will be ok only if you extricate yourself from him. What sort of a dad is he really to your kids if he treats you as their mother with such outright control and contempt?. Would you want this for them as adults; no you would not would you. One day your kids will leave home and then it could well be just you and him; what then for you?. Don't waste any more of your life on this individual.

The above is really emotional abuse 101 from him; they all act like this or versions on the same old theme. Blaming the woman is typical of such men, anything or anyone to blame but their own selves. Its never his fault is it?. The good and bad patches you write of as well are really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Children love parents anyway, no matter how abusive they actually are. What you are both showing them is a crap example of a relationship and not one you would want for them as adults either. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. You would be showing them a better example of how relationships work if you were to leave your H, what are they learning from the two of you now?.

You've never been directly advised "to just walk out" but to seek legal advice for your own self. Knowledge after all is power. Do this for you and your kids, they are NOT going to thank you for staying with this man.

Do you think it is worth saving?
If not ,leave .

I completely agree with the pp who said that thinking about leaving is much harder than actually doing it. I made the move 8 months ago at the age of 58 and I feel so much better!

See a solicitor and find out where you stand financially - you will probably be much better off than you thought. Don't stay in this sad sham of a marriage.