Finding it hard supporting depressed dp

[puddle]

My dp has been diagnosed with stress/ depression and he is off work at the moment. Although he is at home he is doing very little.

I am feeling totally drained from working/ sorting our life out/ keeping upbeat for the kids and making sure they do not notice what is going on.

I am also feeling increasingly isolated from friends - I don't feel I can tell everyone what is happening which means I am avoiding people - two close friends know but for the rest I feel as though I can't be normal with them because this huge thing is happening but I can't share it.

Is there anyone else who can share the burden with you? Dp's mum, brother, best mate? Because, no matter how much you care about someone, if you're the sole carer for a depressive you will have spells of wanting to kill them.
Somehow, you've got to take care of yourself and make some time for yourself. If your DP is getting treatment, then you can have some hope he will get better soon, but it's very hard, when dealin with a depressed person, not to have spells of being utterly furious with them and wanting to shout "Pull yourself together!" (come on MN and rant like mad when that happens). But do, do, try and get an hour or so to yourself every day, and try to share the caring bit with someone. Also, frankly, you need to be able to confide in someone and have some TLC and comforting given to you, as well.

Thanks Madamez - I have got a few people I can talk to about it but for the most part I am trying to carry on as normal.

There a two strands of stress - the 'trying to keep the ship afloat' stress and the 'shit what happens if he doesn't get better (this has been coming on for a long time - now I know what a bad way he is in I can see that)and can;t go back to work, what will we do yada yada yada'.

I feel bone weary. I don't want to have to deal with this. I want to be looked after.

puddle, I feel for you (((hug)))
I think there should be support groups for relatives of people with depression, bcs it is a gruelling thing to go through.
When I was depressed, I used to tell my kids that 'my feelings are poorly'. I don't know how old your kids are, but we do still use the phrase actually, even though my kids are late teens!
Kids know what's going on, they can feel it, and if you cover it up they sense that something is wrong... and that it must be THEM . Imo it is better to come clean, but keep it as short as possible - don't make a meal of it. They may want to ask questions about it - tell them the truth. They will have noticed on some level that daddy isn't his usual self, and you want that in their conscious, not their subconscous iyswim. So talk about it (if you havne't already?)
At least that will ease the pressure of keeping up the pretense, which may bleed into other areas eg friends, relatives etc. There is so much stigma around mental health, which is a shame when you think that depression is incredibly common. OK you may not want to be frank about something that is dh's choice to be frank or otherwise about; but you DO need support, and keeping everything a secret, like he's got some man-eating disease that will kill from 50 paces, just puts you under so much pressure.
MIND may have something for you - either literature or a support group? I hope so. My dd is depressed at the mo and you have to walk a delicate line - so unbelievably delicate. If I had small kids to sort out too I don't know what I'd do (hpe that doesn't make you feel worse though )
Today dd called me just as I was about to go to a conference that I have planned for some time and was looking forward to. She was clearly in a bad way... but I said I was going to the conference, and was very specific about when I'd be free again. It's important to set time boundaries so the depressed person can feel secure; but at the same time it is vital to take time out for yourself hun. I think you're going to have to get some people on board to help you share the load. It's too much for one person to take on imo. Good luck x x x x

Sorry to hear about your dd mathilda.

You're right that it's not my choice to tell people. DP's family know, but have made it All About Them (esp his mum)

Good thought re: mind, will have a look tomorrow.

I need to go to bed. Am postponing it because I am dreading tomorrow.

Oh puddle

DP was depressed a couple of times a few years ago. It's such hard work. I can't really offer any advice, i just muddled through and tried to be patient and not lose my marbles.

Definately talk to someone- i went to a counsellor to talk about how i felt about it all, and it did me alot of good.

i know everything must be a bit raw for you all at the moment, it must be really difficult for you having to care for everyone. but is there any chance you could all go out for a morning during the week/weekend maybe go swimming/longish walk?
I found that with depression anything involving exercise is hugely beneficial to you & it's nice to do it together as a family too.

Is your dp's depression/stress been going on for a long time?

Are you anywhere near a local branch of Carers ? They will be able to help you in both emotional and practical matters.

Feeling isolated from friends is a feeling common to a lot of us who care for people with illnesses, I don't know whether it's worse for those us caring for someone who 'looks okay' (so you get people constantly saying "he seems alright to me, what's the problem?" gee thanks).

You can always get support on Mumsnet, and can we help out in real life at all, how about a meet-up?

puddle

You may find the website of Depression Alliance helpful to you both.

Their website is detailed below:-

www.depressionalliance.org/index.html

Just wanted to add my own message of support, my DH has suffered from episodes of depression on and off for years, including suicidal periods. It really is hard work being the supporting partner. It can be very tempting to feel you need to be the "strong one", to keep things afloat but it's also important to remember that you can't rescue them from their In depression. Is he getting proper treatment for his depression? How old are your children - are they old enough to understand the idea that Daddy is ill and needs some extra help at the moment, but is seeing a doctor to help him get better? I am just wondering if trying to hide it is only making things harder for you. I also agree that you need some support too - it's good that you have some friends to confide in but perhaps some professional advice would be good too? Good luck to you, it really is hard. Another thing I would add is that it's important to look after yourself i.e good food, some exercise, a little bit of time outside the house and away from your DH even if it's just seeing a friend for coffee or going for a swim.

Hi just also wanted to say that I've been through the same thing and we did come out the other end. My tip is just try and get him involved in the tinest things and then gradually increase these, that way his activity level increases slightly and you can start to do things together, and you do get the odd glimmer of happiness. Getting out of the house was usually the most effective for us, 5 min walk, then 15, then trip to the park etc.
Good luck Xxxxxxxxxxxx

God I'm sitting here in tears you're all so nice.

Kids are 4 and 7. To be honest he holds it together really well when they are around and you wouldn't necessarily know there was anything wrong. The main difference for them is that he is not at work but even that doesn't seem to have registered really - I work from home a lot so I don't think they associate being at home with not being at work IYSWIM.

He is getting treatment - he's on anti-depressants (but the GP has just decided to increase the dose as they don't sem to be working as well as they should - he says he still feels depressed ut he doesn't care that he feels depressed now!).

He's also seeing a counsellor whcih i don't think is really helping - it's very solutions focused and the therapist keeps moving him on from the big issues which I think are at the root of it (family relationships etc) to look at coping mechanisms (for panic and anxiety) - anyway it's free at the moment (accessed through my work)and he's waiting to be referred for counselling via the gp which may be more suited to what he needs.

I think you're right that I need to look after myself - had a couple of glasses of wine on my own last night which made me very maudlin and hadn't eaten very well yesterday either. I feel that I have no energy left for me at the moment. And it's hard not to be brought down by someone else who is in the house all the time immersed in a black cloud...

kelwhite good to hear you came out the other end. I do feel a bit more positive today - what is so wearing is constantly talking about it rather than other things - it feels all-consuming at the moment.

'I feel bone weary. I don't want to have to deal with this. I want to be looked after.'

puddle - i really feel for you and this is exactly how i am feeling right now, in fact i said almost exactly the same thing to dh, and in my own mind over and over, this weekend.
i clicked 'watch' on this thread ages ago as i didn't have time to read it but didn't want to forget it!

how are you feeling now? did you ever get in touch with mind or seek any more support for yourself? how is dp?

Puddle - In the early years of my marriage I had a nervous breakdown and of course that devasted all my family, but was particularly difficult for my husband.

I think the only way he coped was to surround himself with friends , true friends whom he could confide in about how it was affecting him.Friends who would allow him to unburden himself and who would offer diversions and really just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

It was harder for him than anyone else, I was receiving conselling etc, being looked after, he was left to flounder a fair bit.

That was 10 years ago and we have survived, our marriage is stronger, different and changed and inevitably slightly damaged.

Try and not isolate yourself from your friends, you need them, be selfish sometimes, retain your sense of self as much as possible and keep hope,

because there is light at the end of the tunnel

sorry puddle - i know this is not my thread but wanted to say thankyou TnOgu, you post is a great comfort.