How likely is it that he was so guilty after cheating once that he didn't do it again?

[Mytwistedimagination]

Long story short, dh (then dp) cheated for maybe 2 months after 8 years together. I found out this week, 18 years down the line. He's lied about it on and off during this time. He has (now I had evidence and he couldn't deny it any longer) said that he had felt guilty all that time, knew if he told me we would breakup, and therefore hasn't done anything since. Apart from look at porn (which he knew I didn't like him doing).
How likely is that? I'm still reeling a little, and one part of me is wondering if he's coughing up to this and answering all q so I'll believe it's the only thing and we'll work on getting over this and I'll stop digging. Not that I could find out anything else anyway.
I've found the survivinginfidelity site, can you recommend any others? Thx, and to all who've been through this shit before me.

I guess it’s not about whether he will do it again, but if you can trust him again. Will you be always looking for signs? Living on edge. Can you forgive him completely? Is that the life/relationship you want?

Only up to you if you can forgive him. Some people can, some can't. I wouldnt be able to to be honest.

Even with the many good years in between barb?

Dunno cola. This admission has been a long time coming. I've already done the looking for signs and living on edge for the past two years. Tbh in comparison it's a bit of a relief to know now. I understand why he did it (in a twisted way, though I wouldn't have in the same situation and there was actually no excuse ) and I understand why he didn't want to admit it. But I'll never forgive it.

I’ve always gone into relationships believing (and saying) that cheating on either side would be a red line.

Then my (now ex) Wife cheated on me and I found myself prepared to forgive anything, pretty much, to keep the marriage intact. As it happens she had no interest in that so we split anyway, and in retrospect I imagine it would have been very difficult to forgive her and move on from it. She then did something much worse anyway, and it’s taken me three years to get to the stage where I’m not thinking “fuck you” whenever I see or have to text/email her.

Sorry - not really answering your question there. In terms of could his affair really have been a one off? From experience of people I know (and trust to tell me the truth) then the answer’s yes. Some men and women have one affair under specific circumstances and realise what they stood to lose. Others can’t stop cheating continuously through a relationship.

If you’ve not had suspicions of other affairs since (and it sounds like your “radar” worked the first time) then in all likelihood he pulled himself up on seeing that the grass wasn’t greener.

I would worry about the fact he has managed to keep this from you for a decade. If he lied and kept this hidden for so long, it’s difficult to say what else he could be hiding. For me the trust would be completely gone. I’m not saying I would trust a man that cheated regardless but I would have slightly more respect for one that came clean straight away rather than hiding it for a decade.

Likely I would say

For me it would be the fact that he lied for 11 years about it, while knowing that I knew he was hiding something, as you had your doubts and asked him about it. He deliberately held the truth and didn't give me a chance to find happiness with someone trustworthy. That's what I would be annoyed at.

In all those years he lied and lied until finally his hand was forced

He knew you were suffering under this cloud. He knew he could relieve that suffering at any point by coming clean but decided not to save his own skin.

Whether or not he has cheated again is missing the point really

Crikey, I have an almost identical situation, even the porn stuff, except I found out 11 years later, in my case though I’m told it was a one sided crush on his part that went too far (he wrote stuff that I later found) and there was masses of overtexting at that time too that I saw on the bills. It’s horrible OP, part of you thinks, well it’s a long time ago but part of you thinks if he is ‘capable’ maybe he has it in him. The jury’s out in my case and I’m still with him but the secretive porn has really peed me off too (and he doesn’t know I know exactly how often it is. And it’s far far too frequent for me to feel ok with it.

Wait, why have you been suspicious for 2 years?

yet I recognize you from my previous threads under a different name :). The ones in which I was slowly unraveling things and still being gaslighted. Hope your dh has been living up to his word.

prize yeah. His attitude and communication with us (me and DC) on deployment was not as involved as usual, something he said sounded like a deflection, so I started digging. Cue stuff I wasn't happy to find, but still not direct infidelity. However, it reminded me of the situation 18 years ago (subconscious cues maybe?) and when I started asking about that again he told me something he hadn't mentioned before, which cast a slightly different light on things. Two years later he finally cracked. But only after I contacted ow and had an omission. Which I suppose I should thank her for, but I'm still stuck on knowing she's a disgusting person doing what she did while knowing full well we were together and had been for years. Unfortunately for her, her feminine 'charms' weren't enough (ie almost instant bj and sex), and she didn't get what she wanted in the end.

You weren't a "winner" either, were you ?

You pretty much answered it yourself didn’t you? You didn’t find direct evidence but he’s been at it again.

Nope. Pretty much the loser, I'd say.

OP - it’s not a question that any one can answer. And even if you knew the probability based on a sample of all one time cheaters - it won’t help you.

What’s clear is that there is something off in your relationship. And that you are looking for clues - however - they are unlikely to be in his actions 18years ago.

You as a couple now - your dynamics - your communication - your happiness around each other - this is what matters.
You don’t need to have an excuse of his past affair(s) - to be unhappy wot him.
You can just be unhappy. And tell him - and see what needs changing.

So, he's a soldier?

I dated a soldier once, and he told me that they all cheat when they are abroad. Goodness knows why he told me that! And funnily enough, he cheated on me in the end.

Not helpful.

Can you check his phone etc?

Sorry, love

If the sex was good, then the chances of him suddenly having a guilty conscience are pretty much zero I'd say.

If he had a drunken fumble at a works xmas party and then discovered his fumblee had bad breath/crap hygiene/psychosis then yeah it's entirely possible he'd be scared back into monogamy for a bit.

He's in the Navy. I've now been through everything I possibly can, which of course is limited by the timescale, contacted some ppl (pretty humiliating, but I need to know as much as possible is corroborated), and got away details as I can think out of him. Nice.

It seems possible that he didn't do anything apart from look at porn and some free dating site profiles after deliberately having this 1-2 month long affair. Theoretically, I can understand why he kept it hidden so long, but seeing as he wouldn't own up until I actually had confirmation from the ow, it's still completely possible there's other things I'll never know. And I don't know how that is ever going to feel any different.

Apparently, he felt guilty (at the end) when they (she) were discussing telling me (after all the sex), he still got as far as telling me he was leaving, and let me try to process that for an hour or so before changing his mind. That really hurts, thinking back. If he was so guilty, it obviously wasn't enough to stop him saying he was going.

I thought I recognised your story from SI.

He says this is his only affair? So tell him you'd like him to take a polygraph.

Or you could tell him he has this one opportunity to be honest and tell you if he's cheated apart from the affair you know about. That you can try and work through it if he has, but if you find out anything else you won't get past it and it will definetly be divorce.

Guilt may be after a ONS...he went on for a couple of months.

He obviously thought he got away with it .. that could be enough reason to do it again.

I've done all those things sandy. A number of times over the past two years I told him that I didn't believe he'd told me everything, and gave him the opportunity to come clean. I'd said it hurt less if he told me than if I found out, if I ever found anything else out I'd not keep his secrets etc. So he had every opportunity, wasn't keeping it secret so as not to hurt me, he just thought I'd never find out so didn't want to rock the boat. Or come clean, despite saying how guilty he's felt in the meantime. He only admitted it once he couldn't deny the evidence. How can I believe he wouldn't do exactly the same thing again... Ie as long as I won't find out, he's going to do stuff. How would talking to a counselor even change this opinion? I've hit a wall in the input I think I can contribute, because it always comes back to that mindset he demonstrated. I have no effect on that, but I know he lied to an individual counselor he saw a while back, so what else is there?