I don't have a mum

[talllikejerryhall]

I have a weird situation in so far as I have a mum, but I don't actually, in any true sense.

I think that she was badly treated by hers and then after a bad marriage to my dad, was unable to bond with me.

She left my dad and married a really mean guy, who was very unkind to me, and since then split from him.

I've got used to not relying on her, but I had this moment recently, where she didn't acknowledge my son's 13th birthday, where all those feelings come flooding back. The whole not actually having a mum who would simply wish me or my kid a happy birthday.

I feel guilty and self indulgent for feeling bad. Is this normal?

Similar situation here. Mine walked out on me later for inexcusable reasons. She pretends I don’t exist. I didn’t do anything wrong, I’d be the first to say if so did.

It does really hurt, but it is what it is. You’re not being self indulgent and shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s sad and it’s a loss.

But mine pretends she is a mum, and I have to play along. I don't mind playing along when other people are involved, I just literally cannot stand it when she expects me to pretend that she was there, all the time, a great mum, when it's us.

Why do you have to play along? What would happen if you didn’t?
Perhaps you need to change the narrative.

I guess I'd lose her totally. We do this dance around each other where I play the game that she is my mum around the people to whom it matters. If I didn't, I would massively screw her up and I don't feel that would be a good outcome. Her boyfriend is a nice guy and brings out a good side, so I wouldn't want to screw that up.

I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, like I'm being a saddo and weak.

It’s hard isn’t it? My relationship with my mom is an act too. She is pretty good to my children though. She just never liked me and it’s very very hurtful. If my sister invites her to something she won’t even think twice about canceling her plans with me. It’s just always been like that so she doesn’t even question her actions.

Sorry for your situation. You do have a mum technically as many who are NC with theirs. Everyone has / had a mum in the literal sense.
Please look into therapy.

She is very generous with my sister, which is fine, because she left her when she was young (as in left country to be new guy) so she owes her. And I am super happy that my sister is getting the support she deserves.

But I wonder what it would be like to have a mum. Someone who cuddled and loved and worried about me when I was young. And who worried about me now.

I have this situation I joke about with my sister, where I say ' don't give her any important information' because in my experience, she's always weaponised it

Yeah mine wanted me to dance along when it suited her, as if nothing had ever been difficult or was difficult at the time, but then if she couldn’t cope she would have an outburst and disappear. Then I’d say oh whatever, she’d come back as if nothing happened. I wanted her around and we’re different, I’m more straighttalking but I don’t want teenage style arguments. Eventually though her repeated walking out saying or screaming awful things at me became to much too often. Plus she just wasn’t there for me as a mother when I needed her. It was too upsetting to constantly be attacked, abandoned, let down on repeat with all the drama. It’s not what I want, but I couldn’t take her behaving that way any more and honestly I don’t think she cares, she cuts people out if she needs to for whatever is going on with her. She is interested in my brother because he lives closer and had a kid who she could get involved with. So it was about her getting what she wanted and who could give her that, her way. It’s painful because it’s a loss, a rejection, in my case unjust abusive attacks, it’s very difficult. However trying to keep her when she just was not capable or interested and was causing me distress repeatedly was too much. It’s awful and there isn’t really an answer, unlike most other things. I have to just not think about it or it makes me ill. I find it hard to say bad things about my mother and have always been accepting and grateful, but I do feel now that she has been a harmful disgrace. I’d be quite happy for her to read that too.

In therapy they teach you about parenting your inner child. Its futile trying to seek that from her.

I also wouldn’t expose my own children to it all. She wasn’t interested in me before, if she has abandoned me in an agressive way, I’m not having her decide she maybe wants to see my children as suits her. I’d just be waiting for her to kick off again. I also think she had no right, she either accepts me or doesn’t. She made it clear she was abandoning me, if she doesn’t accept me she doesn’t get to change her mind when she has something she then wants. Plus she can be viscious, I’m not having that risk near children. She’s so lucky to have us and she’s thrown it all back. It’s hard, but my forgiveness only lasted so long until it was clear all she would ever do was attack and walk out. She was harming me with that. So I gave in.

I agree - I feel bad for her because I know some serious damage must have been done for her to be so emotionally numb.

I am lucky in so far as my granny loved me and gave me the model of how to be loved and love in return.

I just have the odd moment where I wonder what it would have been like to have a proper mother, someone worrying about me, etc

I mostly don't think about it and have definitely built my life around it, but now and again.

I love my kids - and perhaps over indulge them - and I feel like whatever loss of independence is worth it, ultimately

Mine will never parent me:)

It's shit isn't it?

To realise you will never get that unconditional love from the one person who you hope would give it to you?

But something must have gone very wrong that they can't give it.

From the posts on MN i dont think its that common to have a great non conditional love relation with your parents anyway.. there is always a post about babysitting, staying over and visiting drama etc.
I dont think a perfect mother daughter relation exists but obviously when it starts hurting of them it must be time for a change.