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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husbands drinking

10 replies

Beacon11 · 05/05/2018 03:51

I need help with what im going through. Ive been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. He has been drinking the whole time right from the beginning but i turned a blind eye to it . It is my second marriage, and Ive had other relationships that didnt work out.. I just really want this one to work. When my husband drinks he becomes a different person. He glares at me a lot, swears and says things to me some of which can be very nasty. I have to fight with him not to smoke in our basement as my daughter is an asthmatic and it hurts her. Shes from my first marriage. He usually drinks every day but somedays he drinks more than his normal amount. It can result in peeing his pants and sometimes peeing the bed. When hes sober hes usually fine. Ive become numb to it and my life has very little joy in it as I feel like Im walking on broken glass. Ive begged him to stop but he ignores me and keeps going. Help please?

OP posts:
Rollawolla · 05/05/2018 03:57

Think it's time to leave to be honest. I know it can be daunting. He is an alcoholic who needs help if he refuses to get help then there isnt much you can do.

Rollawolla · 05/05/2018 03:58

Also what example is he setting for your daughter her health and mental wellbeing might be hindered by his actions

NiteWotcha · 05/05/2018 04:01

You need to leave.

There is a 3 point saying for codependents "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it"

You are letting your DD grow up in a very unhealthy atmosphere- leave for her sake as much as yours Flowers

Beacon11 · 05/05/2018 04:31

My feelings are turning to disgust with my husband because I worry about my daughters health and I feel like Im babysitting a grown man. Ive begged him to stop but nothing is getting through to him. People tell me to leave him , to frighten him into change but I know once I leave theres no coming back for me.. Its beginning to sicken me.

OP posts:
Beacon11 · 05/05/2018 04:34

Thank you, theres truth in those words. I like that. I need to be reminded that I didnt cause it and cant cure it. And i certainly cant control it. Its funny how the mind can be tricked into believing otherwise.

OP posts:
Beacon11 · 05/05/2018 04:37

I feel like his mother chasing him around to see if hes smoking in the basement. Hes already broken his ribs from being clumsy and drinking. But my main concern is my daughter, not his ribs. Im completely exhausted.

OP posts:
NiteWotcha · 05/05/2018 04:44

So are you in a position to leave? I mean, financially etc. ?

0dette · 05/05/2018 05:21

Please go to al anon. You will meet others who are in the same situation, it can be very lonely as even if you have friends they don’t really understand . They really helped my sister when she was dealing with a relatives drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2018 06:34

The 3cs of alcoholism;-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on around where the next drink is going to come from. He neither wants your help or support and you can only help your own self ultimately.

Why did you turn a blind eye to his drinking, that is a question you are going to have to ask yourself here. Asking him to stop drinking as you have done is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Codependency and alcoholism often go hand in hand and you need to address your own codependency here?.

Your only real option here going forward is to leave; I realise you want to make your second marriage work but really there is no marriage here at all. He is also a very poor example of a stepfather to your child and he will simply drag you and your DD down with him. That process as well is already happening.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as well as seeking legal advice re divorce.

AnotherRandomMale · 06/05/2018 08:37

If he falls over and pisses himself, he has a big problem with the bottle.

I have been quite a heavy drinker in times of stress and feeling down, the alcohol becomes a crutch, but I would rarely get drunk. 3 cans and fall asleep infront of the TV was my usual style, but often 5 or 6 nights a week, maybe 7 sometimes.

I've cut my drinking down recently, and the first couple of weeks were very difficult to stay away from it, but I'm now only drinking 1-3 times a week and hope to get down to only social occasions out and about and no more than once a week alone, which is how I used to be.

This man sounds like he has a greater problem than I did as mine never persisted for 4+ years or resulted in bed wetting. He needs to take drastic action or there is a risk this will spiral really out of hand. You can't help him directly, he can only help himself.

People can sort out problem drinking, but they have to really want to.

If you want it to work then I think you need to give him an ultimatum, not for immediate action, he will need to reflect on it, and gather mental strength, but I would tell him if he hasn't started to take action to reduce the level and frequency of his drinking within 3 months, then you are going to have to seperate. I would also tell him you will support him im some ways such as going for a walk together in the evening which is free and I find, a good distraction from the "routine" of drinking. If he cannot take that on board and deal with it then his relationship with alcohol is more important than his relationship with you, and then needs to end.

I have a friend who was a much more problematic heavy drinker than me - he would frequently down 8 cans of strong lager every night, drink in the afternoon on every day he wasn't working and so on. He sorted himself out, with exercise and taking up cookery! His marriage had been on the rocks but they now seem very happy. It can be done.

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