Problems with oh.. 3rd time I’ve tried to post..

[Mumao]

I just don’t know how to put down in words what I consider to be massive issues in our relationship...

We have an almost 2yr old and I really feel like OH just doesn’t love, care or cherish me! (I was just reading another thread wher that word came up and thought I want to be cherished!)

We got pregnant a year into our relationship and had only been living together for a few months...

The problems started after the baby was born.. the usual... me feeling like he wasn’t helping me etc, sleep deprevation, I also suffer with pnd and anxiety which has come and gone. I have sought help and cbt therapist really thought most of my issues were stemming my relationship...

Almost 2 years after have dd we are still having major issues and I’m thinking of calling it a day. I’m not even sure I love him anymore, I have so much resentment and anger inside I don’t know if we can move past it.

I’ll try to keep my reasons brief; he doesn’t pay me any affection until it’s a cuddle in bed (usually for sex).

I don’t feel like we are a unit.. after I stopped bfeeding we took it in turns to get up with the baby but he would never get up if it wasn’t his turn.. I hate this I think we are parents, not baby sitters.

I feel like he doesn’t support me in anyway... I’ve had issues at work and had to leave my job he couldn’t take the reins in the housework or looking after dd while I job hunted/updated my cv etc.. I was up until midnight working on my cv and had chucked a load of washing in the bed, instead of sorting it he came down to ask me what I was doing with it. I helped him find the job he is in, Updated his cv and wrote a cover letter, I even posted the damn thing! I help him with his annual appraisals etc et. He works fulll time and I on reduced hours, I have had to put my career on hold and take a pay cut to look after dd. We pay 50/50 even though he earns more than me. I told him I thought this was unfair so he is paying for a week at heaven caravan park.

Shortly after we had dd I found out he was watching a hell of a lot of porn... really degrading stuff which I didn’t like.. I spoke to him about it, he had nothing to say and now I’m pretty sure he just hides it from me...
He will not talk to me. About anything... he stonewalls me for days which drives me nuts.. i really think it is emotional abuse and makes me feel like I’m going mad...I have ended up following him around begging him to talk to me and he doesn’t...

He never wants to go out and do anything with me, never makes an effort with me, won’t ask if I want to watch a movie etc etc...

He’s only said sorry to me once in the 5 years we’ve been together.

I am currently having tests for endometriosis and am in agony sometimes but I’m pretty sure he just thinks I’m being lazy.. I have a pretty bad kidney infection not so long ago and there was no support there either... he doesn’t even ask why I’m going to the dr... he has no idea what is going on with my health.

I basically take on 90 % if the mental load, 70% of the house work/cooking and 50/50 looking after DD when OH is home.

I don’t know what to do... I could go on about other stuff but to don’t want to bore you. The above are major things that have built up
I’ve tried ‘killing him with kindness’, I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried ignoring him, I’ve tried to not let it get to me and get in with my own life... I’ve tried moving out for a while... nothing ever gets resolved!

Any advice? Oh and he’s said no to counselling

I should ad that I’m not sure if this is all jus pettiness that can be sorted out.. has it gone on for too long? Any experience?

OP there's so much anguish in your post. You are in pain. If he withholds affection from you and refuses to speak to you, of course that's emotional abuse. Is this any way to live or set an example for your daughter of what a relationship should look like? He doesn't care about you, your feelings or your needs. You don't know if you love him. This relationship is over. It has run its course. Please be kind to yourself and end it. You cannot be good parents if you are both this unhappy. I really don't think there is anythingto save here.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Be honest with yourself. Can you bear to remain in this relationship for another 2 yrs? 5 yrs? Why should you put yourself through that?

I could have written your post.

Where do you see yourself in a year’s time? Do you think you will be with him?

Is he affectionate with other people? His mum? Sisters?

If he doesn’t want to go to counselling can you and would you go on your own? Ask your GP to refer you, tell the GP about your relationship and that you need some emotional support to help you decide what you want/need to do.

he’s not the most affectionate guy ever but I am getting nothing. It used to be different. He doesn’t even converse with me. I’ll say I’m going to the dr today and he’ll either not reply or just say ok. I just feel so lonely and unloved.

I think my friends are getting tired of me talking about it, I’ve always been an open person but lately I’m not saying much as I think everyone thinks ‘here she goes again’ and they say my oh is like that... but I don’t think they can see how bad it is. I’m felling really isolated.

its emotional abuse. I think he has checked out. he doesn't want to leave and try to put the blame on you if you leave.

It is emotional abuse and really, there isn't a relationship to be saved.

The thing that worries me is that you're not married, you've given up on your career (hopefully that's temporary) and you've put loads of effort (more than he has, it seems) on making his career work out for him, but then you're paying just as much as he is into the joint funds.

Can you see how dangerous this is for you? You are boosting his career. You're downgrading your own. Please, please rethink this.

This sounds par for the course with an addict.

Addicts aren't present. It is agony to be in a relationship with an addict - anguish, as doingreat says. It is agony to read your posts.

Do please get out. You are battering against a door that will never open. Not only are you not being cherished you are being completely ignored body, soul and spirit. It takes two to make a relationship work and he's not interested.

If you can't do it for you, do it for dd. Have some therapy to find out why you are flogging a clearly dead horse

I'm wondering if you are an adult child.

Re
The term “adult child” is used to describe adults who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes and who exhibit identifiable traits that reveal past abuse or neglect.

ACA UK