It’s been two years, but I can forget. Am I being unreasonable?

[HiThere1984]

It’s a long story, but basically I can’t really love my husband again after he cheated.
2 years ago, I found out he was taking his mistress to a sort of honey moon long weekend in Sunny Spain, while I was suffering from post natal depression. Later I found out she was a prostitute (although he denies he ever paid for sex) and that the affair was happening for a few years.
Obviously that my world felt apart. Added to his rejection of my post-pregnancy body took me to the worst year of my life.
I did a lot of therapy (and, I know it’s wrong, but had to do it for my ego, had my own share of out of the marriage sex - after 4 years of nothing!!!!)
I can honestly say that I don’t hold any anger on what happened. We did couples therapy as well, where a lot came out and he dramatically changed his behaviour towards me.
The point is - it was all too late.
I don’t love him.
And that kills me. I wish I did. We have two adorable children (3/5) and life would ao easy if I could just accept him back.
I have suggested divorce, which he strongly opposes. I have no sexual attraction towards him, which puts us in a very awkward situation where he wants sex every day and I ran away as much as I can. I feel horribly disgusted after we have sex.
This is not an ideal situation. I know.
I thought I could make this work for the children.
And I think I have to forgive him and start over.
But it seems very far from reality.
He is now unemployed, and that certainly doesn’t help as all his macho ego has been undermined.
I am lost.
I want to leave this marriage. But I feel that leaving just because I don’t love him is not really a reason. Add to the problem that he is in the UK under spouse visa, and if I divorce him, he needs to go back to his country - meaning DC would rarely see him....
any light?

I couldn't think of a better reason OP, and the disgust you feel having to have sex with someone you are not attracted to sounds hellish.

I think you know what you have to do, however hard it will be.

How long till he can get citizenship, you might do a deal with him?
You have grounds for divorce, you don't have to put up with him.

4.5 years. Visa thing is complicated. He was here on a sponsorship visa until he lost his job. Now the clock has just reset! Pure nightmare

If you want to leave this marriage then do so. You only need to give yourself permission.

He most likely opposes divorce because he will be deported if you do divorce him. You do not need his permission to divorce him and his marriage was the last thing on his mind when he was with his mistress.

You should not stay for the sake of the children, they will know how unhappy you are and will pick up on all the vibes. A loveless marriage is no legacy to leave them and it places a terribly heavy burden on them as well.

This individual has only thought of his own self throughout this whole sorry episode that he has himself caused. It will be hard but your children and you deserve a better life.

Not loving someone is an excellent reason to end a marriage

Op. Reread this part of your post please

But I feel that leaving just because I don’t love him is not really a reason

It IS a reason. It is THE reason. Don't waste anymore of your years on him. Please.

Not loving him is plenty of reason to leave him. Don't feel bad for falling out of love with a man who cheated on you. You deserve happiness and your children deserve a happy mother.

Your DH had an affair that lasted for ears, he spent family money taking her on holiday, he neglected your welfare when you were vulnerable and needed him.
You've tried to rescue the marriage, but have been unable to forget his massive betrayal.
That is plenty of reason to end the marriage.
Please don't continue to live with someone you don't and can't love.

Let's put this in perspective.

He cheated on you - as a PP said, spent your family's money on entertaining this woman, while you were in the worst emotional state you could be post birth.

Even after this shit storm, where no one would have blamed you in the slightest for leaving him in the dust and never looking back, you stuck with it for 2 years in and did everything you could in that time to rebuild your relationship for the sake of a stable family unit.

You have done enough, far more than enough I can't fathom how painful and awful it must be to be intimate with someone you have no attraction and respect for. Please don't waste your one precious existence here confining yourself to a relationship with this man. You can do this.

He created this mess, not you. He is not your responsibility.
If you don't love him, get him to leave.
Seek legal advice asap.

We have it hammered into us since we are kids that the only way you and your kids will be happy is by holding to a marriage no matter how bad the marriage is.

Your children won’t be destroyed if you manage the process well. I cannot believe the amount of shit you both have done, both having extra marital affairs “in order keep it together for the children.” WTF?
I wish I could believe you but I think that the “staying for the children” is just a more socially accepted way of saying “I’m staying because I don’t have the balls to change it”

For what is worth, you don’t need his approval to divorce, nobody is forced to stay married in this country, but you can offer to work together so he can get his immigration situation sorted soon so the split doesn’t mean he can’t continue to see his kids regularly.

If he has been in that permit for 5 years, applying for Indefinitive Leave to Remain/citizenship shouldn’t be that difficult, especially when he has so much free time to study for the exam.

I’m sorry for the harsh words, but I am tired of so many married people seeing divorce as a shit pit, when most of us divorced people have more dignified lives than those of the so called poor “martyrs” who stay in awful marriages “for the sake of their children”, as if exposing the kids regularly to the damage of a bad relationship was the best thing you could do for them.

Op, did you write that you had 'out of marital sex' as well?

'I did a lot of therapy (and, I know it’s wrong, but had to do it for my ego, had my own share of out of the marriage sex - after 4 years of nothing!!!!)'

Hardly makes you a paragon of virtue does it?

I think the paragon ship already sailed billyt

This sounds like a hideous excuse for a marriage and no one could blame you for leaving. You only get one life, and your children only get one childhood. Do you really want to spend these years living like you are?

TBH it sounds like he's buying time til he gets a visa. A long affair with a prostitute ( not that who or what she is really matters) whilst you have postnatal depression? That doesn't sound like love either.

Get rid. He's a user.

Not loving him is a perfect reason for divorce. He took another woman away while you had PND! That's unforgivable. I'm not surprised you aren't attracted to him.

Be straight with him. Tell him that his affair/the disrespect has killed your love for him, you aren't sexually attracted to him anymore and you're literally forcing yourself to have sex with him. That neither of you should be in a marriage where you feel this way and you'll be filing for divorce.

I don't imagine anyone would want to stay in a marriage after you say that.