Hello, everyone
It's going to be long, sorry. Just to get it out of my chest and maybe get some advice.
I'm 28 years old, female. I have a boyfriend, 28, we've been together/known each other 8 months. He is overall wonderful and 'ticks most of the boxes'. However, I have an issue with our "activity levels" and I feel suffocated and I do not know how to handle it it.. or maybe even get to the point that we should not be together?
I have been very lonely all my life – a few friends here and there, no hobbies, just school-university-job, no relationships (longer than 1 month or so, except a one real relationship 1.5 years when I was still at school at the age of 18).
During the last couple of years I have built a life to myself as good as I could – I have a few stable friends (though most of them live outside my town, several hours of drive away, but we communicate through web as well) and a group of acquaintances I occasionally, regularly communicate/meet. I also have a hobby – belly dancing. Our group trains twice a week plus our trainer organises performances for us, it's rather busy hobby, we communicate through messenger/e-mails also a lot. There are busier months (I.e a lot of extra trainings due to performance), and also not so busy months (no extra-trainings, no performances). I also require alone-time, when not doing anything. I also like to spend some time with my sister and her family occasionally, visit my mom and two friends in my birth/hometown (4-hour drive, on average 3 times a year for several days) and my other friend in another city (3 hour drive, on average twice a year a day or two.).
My boyfriend however, does not have an active social life. He has maybe a couple of friends who he barely communicates (claiming they are always busy etc). He has two older brothers, one of them has children, he has said he would like to spend some more time with them and with the children, but he barely does (claiming they are always busy). He says he likes to spend time with his grandmother, but he rarely does. He is from a countryside outside our town (1-hour drive), he says he likes to be there, but he rarely goes there (claiming it's a hassle to get there or he doesn't feel like it). He has no hobbies. He likes to ride a bike and take photographs, but he rarely does these things. Several years ago, during school, he attended volleyball and national folkloric dance trainings (very popular in our country), but he stopped when he finished school. However, he likes to go to places and not to stay in the apartment all days long, but it seems he only likes to do it with me. I have suggested him to find a hobby, he says he knows he has to yes, but he does not know what kind of hobby (although we once discussed some options which seemed great).
He is very smart, caring, supportive, interesting, helpful, talkative (with me, not su much with others) etc. BUT it bothers me recently so much that I feel like he is suffocating me. I spend as much time with him as possible, I even decreased my dance trainings (I attend the class once a week now and I have gave up most of the performance possibilities), I have extremely decreased my alone-time, I have decreased the meetings-contacts with my friends. However, currently I have a busier time with my hobby, we are arranging a big show, which takes a lot of time and we have to learn many dances and recover old ones, sew some new costumes etc. I would like to contribute to the show much more time, but I can't cause I would feel guilty then, leaving him alone for several evenings a week or even some weekends.
Basically, we on average spend together every weekend (from friday after work til monday morning) and also at least one, usually two evenings-nights in during the work week. So, most of the time actually. But recently I feel I need nore time to myself and my friends. But everytime I tell him I want some alone time (which I barely ask), or mention that I want to meet up with friends, or I have to go to an extra-training, or I have to go a meeting regarding the big show – he is making me feel like it's the end of the world for him, like I have to feel guilty, like he cannot bare being alone. It's actually subtle and polite, but I feel devastated. He says "I'll try to manage", "I guess I'll survive" etc. Or when I tell him "Hey, we meet up friday evening? By the way, I have the entire weekend free", he says "Well, there's plenty of time til friday, I bet something will come up for you". And all my happiness is gone with this little statement. Now I asked a "free weekend" to myself, cause I have to sew a costume and arrange things. He looked the saddest man on earth last night and he was trying to figure out what to do during the "lonely" weekend. I offered several things, he refused all of these. Making me feel like he has no life except me.
I could think that it is not my problem he has nothing to do or he does not want to do anything without me, I just live my own life and enjoy my activities. I have worked hard to build myself this life and to build up my own happiness, I cannot give this all up because of him. However, I cannot enjoy my activities when I know he is sad and desperate. At least, it feels like he is. If he would say "great, go do your own business, let's meet tuesday then" - it would be fine. But I feel a level of drama every time we are apart. I know I want to visit my friends soon, but I'm terrified telling him that I want to go alone because we have our own "girls talk".
Again, overall he is wonderful. But it bothers me that I feel guilty when I do my own things and enjoy doing these things and I do not think it's the end of the world when we are apart a few days or so. I have mentioned him the issue a couple of times, he says there's no need to worry or feel guilty, he understands. But then again come these subtle statements "I'll try to manage/survive, I have no choice, do I" etc. These make me feel guilty. And just knowing that he sits home alone with nothing to do while I'm out and about. I'm also scared to discuss the issue again with him, because I see no solutions and I'm afraid it will end up in break-up. Especially that I have told him how his comments make me feel and I have told him that I need my own space too sometimes etc. He says it's fine, go and do what you need to do, but it bothers me sooooo much that I know that actually he is panicking inside. But I do think he is otherwise wonderful, so.. I do not know what do to.
Thanks